found mum after 14 years

[robdan]

hi all,

i dont know if this is the right page to start my thread sorry if it isnt i just really needed to get sum stuff out of my head.

well il start from the begining, when i was 3 my parents broke up and me my sister and mum moved in a house with her boyfriend from around this time i was being sexually abused by her boyfriend who was aslo beating all three of us, mum went on to have 3 children with him it was a very difunctional place to be brought up in i was sleep walking and weeing the bed
this went on until i was 11 when my mum packed her bags and left all of us with our dads familys.
my life got better a hell of alot i was still pretty messed up but nan tried her best.
my nan died when i was 16 and i went off the rails started drinking heavily.

when i was 18 i met my current partner it was bit turbalent to say the least but we have survived and are still going strong
i have been sober now for 2 years i have a 6 month old gorgous daughter

when i had my dd i wanted to find my mum to see what happened in her head to leave 5 children
i found her very quickly and she came to mine stayed the weekend with her husband and my sister came up too and it was brilliant
she said alot of things about my dads side of the family and said she was happy that my nan died which was hard to take in she also wasnt happy that my dd middle name is my nans

it all went well then my mums husband tx and sed thanks for letting him stay and my partner wasnt happy with this because of what happened to me in the past with mums boyfriends he sed that mums husband should of thought about it more

my mum and my partner had a big row over this but it all simmered down and me and mum were trying to get to know one another my partner even drove me 150 mile to london to see her it all went well

then this weekend was her husbands birthday and becuse i was at my sisters i completely forgot and didnt wish him a happy birthday my mum has kicked off and said that she dont like my partner and that i should of sed happy birthday to her husband and she has stopped contact with me

i dont know what to make of all this im confused and dazed and dont know weather to contact her or just leave it to her i just see it as her putting men before me again and i feel so hurt

sorry for the long post but have this all swimming in my head at the minute and its driving me crazy

thanks for reading and please if you have advice please say

thanks

No advice just sending you electronic hugs. I'm new to mumsnet so Hopefully I have also sent you flowers.

I would leave you mum. I am a great believer that you earn respect, you are not owed it. And in my opinion your mum has not earned your respect or your consideration.

Don't read too much in what her husband says. You have no idea what story he has been told so may not have had the honest facts.

But your mother knows and she should be bending over backwards thanking your dads family for doing the job she should have been doing and apologizing to you.

That's my opinion anyway. Look after your DH, he sounds lovely. :)

her husband is not the boyfriend who sexually abused you and beat the dc I take it.

So it went ok (apart from your mum speaking badly of your grandmother) till this point:
"it all went well then my mums husband tx and sed thanks for letting him stay and my partner wasnt happy with this because of what happened to me in the past with mums boyfriends he sed that mums husband should of thought about it more"

This is not the man who mistreated you as a dc and he texted to stay thanks,. It seems to me a straight forward thing to do. THen your dp and your mum had a big argument about it - and now she is touchy because she feels you and your dp don't accept her husband.

I think it is a bunch of misunderstandings which could be cleared up with a bit of goodwill. This man (presuming he is a different one) is not responsible for what the other man did. If he is not to text/phone you directly, fair enough given the circumstances but perhaps you can all still get around this one.

I think you're confused because you really wanted to discover that she was a victim, not the bad-guy. You wanted her to be a better mother and a different person than she actually is. You half want to believe her line that past problems were down to her boyfriends, your dad, your dad's family.... but by blaming your late nan, you can see she's talking rubbish. Even though you've probably known this all along it's a hard thing to acknowledge that your own mother is selfish, immature, and blames everyone else rather than take responsibility for the actions that ruined so much of your life to date.

If you want to have any relationship with your mum it has to be on your terms from now on. That either means, leave her right where you found her and concentrate on your own family - sounds easy but blood ties are very strong - or have very limited contact, making it clear that you will not stand for any 'kicking off'. Keep her on a very short leash. Good luck