It's my own fault - but my goodness, this hurts

[bananacrepe]

I am in such a mess.... I did an utterly stupid, awful, horrendous thing and had an affair because I felt my relationship with DH (no kids - we have tried and not got anywhere, which I think had something to do with it) was missing. I don't need anyone telling me how awful I am - I know that. I got to the point where I told OM I would leave DH for him. OM said he had changed his mind.

I told DH because I realised that if we were ever going to have a chance he needed to know, and to know that it wasn't it fault that I had been so distant. For some inexplicable reason I am ridiculously, incredibly lucky that he still wants me, even after everything I have done to him. Problem is, I still love OM (DH knows this - I am being totally honest with him). I don't want to - I want to love DH - I do still, but not in the same way, and I want to get that back. I suggested we have time apart but DH doesn't want it and has asked me to stay. I'm being completely honest with him as I don't want him to ask me to stay under false pretences.

OM has today announced to the world his new relationship - three weeks after telling me he still loved me. I am absolutely gutted. I KNOW it is my own fault that I am in this situation - I am trying not to lead DH on, and I do want to get back to loving him and only him, but at the moment I know (and DH knows) that I still love the man that has proved himself to be twunt of the century, and I have to get over that first. I can't help feeling he is trying to rub my nose in it. He has known her for less than a month, he has a DS (long divorced from DS's mother) and he has already introduced his new GF to his son and is announcing it to everyone (who, incidentally, never had a clue about me existing).

Words fail me about how much I hate him right now (and again, I know it is a lot my fault too) - but god, it hurts.

Ok..well.

1. Take a second to recognise you took a brave step that many don't - you swallowed your pill, held your hands up and were honest with your DH. That is something that takes courage - particularly so if the other is the wronged party. So for this section at least; well done Bananacrepe.

2. I'm sorry to be presumptious but I really don't think you 'love' this other man. You are not a teenager but these are the same feelings - you fell hard and you fell fast - because, at the time you were vulnerable. He is not a decent man and you recognise that - just don't get all fluttery over that bad boy that's treating you mean after he was instrumental in wrecking your marriage. You would have left the decent man you have at home and then been ditched by om for his new bit. Really think about the ramifications of that. Please excuse this phasing, I know more is going on but - can you switch your fanjo off for a second and think hard about the toxic harm this man has done you. He is laughing at you - look how well he pulled your strings.

3. DH wants you to stay. Well that is a good sign but it may be sensible, if not to leave then to take the spare room. You owe it to your husband to really think hard before you accept staying with him out of gratitude when the initial problems are still there. They were not fixed and now you've got some more. Does he know you well enough to know this was a catastrophic meltdown on your part? If you stay you will be his and only his. If not think very, very hard.

4. Marriage/long-term relationships are not glued by just physical attraction lust and love as they age. You need to build the foundations again - communication, friendship, trust, bonding. A lot of our relationship is cemented by attachment - basically you go through a lot together, make memories, become a unit etc and this forms a deeper emotional sympathy that works in synergy with developing affection and love of the other person. By working on these things can you forsee reconnecting enough to make it work - can you be honest with yourself - will this happen again?

5)Work on 4. You really need to stop thinking about children no matter how it feels they will not be the ties that bind. I'm infertile I get some of the dynamics that must have been going on. They are complex. You had a time of weakness - you strayed yes but how hard did DH seek to find you? Did you let him check out too? Did you fall away from each other without realising? Can you find your way back?

6. If you can answer the above in the affirmative can your DH? This will nedd to be forgiven. It won't be forgotten but it cannot be held in reserve by either party- it must be shut away. Part of what seals tht door up will be the layers of trust you build up again.

Otherwise no one call tell you. It's down to your DH. Without more info I can't hazard anymore of a guess. But - I do think it's unfair for you to say you are being honest with DH by saying you still love this other man. He will not be having a relationship with you- zilch, off the table - you get me? At this point what you are doing is keeping one foot out of the door. And that isn't fair to your DH either.

It's done. Belabouring you with any peronal moral views is pointless, you can't unsex. You have to focuss on how to move forward and you seem stuck in limbo. You did a hard thing - don't take the easy way out and regret it.

I know you're right. I want more than anything to forget this twunt of a man and commit completely to DH - I just need to somehow get over him first. He has done this right in the middle of us having to work on a project at work together - much as I'd love to I can't get away from him and have to see him and be professional with him every day. I can't help feeling he has timed his announcement deliberately to hurt me as some sort of revenge for not having left DH sooner for him. I'm barely sleeping; I just want to move away with DH and start again, well away from OM.

I would get shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you both to read.

You need to work on yourself to understand why you had the affair and how you justified to yourself that it was the best course of action in resolving your issues.

Hun, that twunt never loved you and just used you for sex. You say he has known her for a month , I doubt it. He has been doing you and seeing someone else at the same time.

Move on from him and I guess leave on from your current DH too since its clear you dont love him anymore.

I can't help feeling he has timed his announcement deliberately to hurt me as some sort of revenge for not having left DH sooner for him.

You may be right, in fact I think you are right. But it wouldn't have changed his reaction - he would still have dumped you, because he doesn't want you, he just wants someone to want him so much that she would throw away everything to be with him. He needs the ego-boost because of his own insecurity. He is not after a relationship with you, just a lot of ego and willy stroking. Sorry to be harsh, but that is how some people are.

Your DH is being angelic in the circumstances. You need to think long and hard about whether you see a future with your DH, whether you can love him deeply enough to carry the burden and scars from this episode that you will be taking with you into the years ahead. If you can't then you should do the decent thing and let your DH go and find someone who is worthy of his love. However, I suspect if you do, you will be kicking yourself in a couple of years for letting a good one go.

NicnocJr gives some excellent advice.

I think you owe it to your DH to make a decision about your relationship with him.
It is extremely unfair to keep him hanging on as your 'back up partner'.
You would have left him if ex OM had wanted you enough.

Ex OM may have been seeing his new partner all along or.....

his new relationship may have come about because he fell in love with his new girlfriend, and it may have nothing to do with you at all.

She is probably free to engage in an open, public relationship with him, and he may just prefer this to continuing his deception with a married woman, which must have been far more complicated.

I'm not meaning to be cruel, but perhaps your relationship with ex OM was more important to you than it was to him, so he has found it easy to move on once you forced his hand - ie: telling him you are prepared to leave your husband for him?

I think it would be helpful for you to have some counselling to talk through your feelings and how you want to go forward.

If you truly want to make things work with your husband, then perhaps you need to consider that you'll have to cut your ex OM out of your life completely, even if that means changing jobs.

If you want your marriage to survive then maybe your first concern should be for your husband, and in repairing the trust between you, as opposed to dwelling on the details of your ex OM's new relationship, and how sad this makes you feel.

Thanks for your replies - there are some very sensible people on MN I feel much calmer now. I actually saw him with his gf today - she came to pick him up from work - and it didn't hurt. I can't understand how I've gone from feeling so low to it hardly affecting me. I guess it might just have been the pride and self esteem and ego bashing that hurt the most, so the thought of it was worse than the actuality. Also I haven't been able to stop thinking about DH today. I feel a bit like there is light at the end of the tunnel - lord knows I don't deserve it, but I don't want to let it go if it's there.