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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

non-molestation order...anyone know how it works? please help

22 replies

rotool · 01/05/2012 21:50

My ex dp and I are still living under the same roof and he is being dreadful in front of the dc's.
My solicitor mentioned a non-molestation order. Does anyone know how it works.
Children are suffering and I don't know what to do.My solicitor has written to his today asking for him to stop but I don't think this is going to help.She has advised me not to move out of the house until something has been sorted regarding the dc's but I don't know how long that will be as he is dragging his feet regarding mediation.
I just don't know what to do for the best.
Any advice...please

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/05/2012 21:56

Well, for a non-molestation order to work he needs to be removed from the house, so you'd need an occupation order first, which may or may not be feasible. What is the situation with the house, are you renting or is it mortgaged? And, either way, is it in both names, his name or your name?

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:01

The house is in both names and is mortgaged.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 01/05/2012 22:07

When you say 'dreadful', what does that mean exactly?

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:10

being very manipulative, not telling them off for anything, letting them stay up late,sleep in the same bed ( they are 6 and 7.5 ) undermining me, not providing money, although I work part time I don't earn enough to pay for the things we need. He has called me a liar to them,told them I don't care about them etc etc

OP posts:

NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 22:13

You could move out for the best as it does not seem like this is an amicable split by any stretch of the imagination. But then if your solicitor thinks you may have custody problems in the future then surely their advice is better and more informed than any you will find here. Is he your ex husband and you are in the process of a divorce or were you never legally together?

ToddlersRFab · 01/05/2012 22:14

I applied for a non molestation order and an occupancy in February. It was granted within the week. It lasts 6 months.

He had already moved out, but still had a key, and his behaviour was disgraceful, to the point where he brought his OW into the house and would not leave until I rang for the police. The house was in his name, but I still got the occupancy order granted.

I should have taken my solicitors advice and applied for it pre Christmas, however I couldn't believe that he could continue to behave this way and I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, and all he tried to do was push the boundaries.

If your solicitor is advising you to apply for it, then do it. They have seen these situations over and over again, and can second guess most of the time whats going to happen.

Good luck.... I hope this helps. If you need specific info just ask.... it was a bot of a blur at the time, but sooooo pleased I did it.

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:15

when you say legally together do you mean married? No we are not married and I know my solicitor would be able to help but not until tomorrow and I just felt like I needed to know more now. I have to believe her when she says it's best to stay here for the time being I just didn't think it would get this bad.

OP posts:

NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 22:16

Do you really think letting them sleep in the same bed is being 'dreadful' or is it because the children are not listening to you that it is his fault? The reality is if you are splitting up neither of you will be able to force your parenting style on the other when it comes to smal matter.

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:19

ToddlersRFab...thank you. I think I will have to do it, I am so worried what he will say to the DC's. His parents house and his work are at the top of our drive and so he and them will be going up and down... this makes it more complicated as the dc's will see his car go past. Will he still be able to have contact with them?

OP posts:

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:21

No I don't think them sleeping in the same bed is dreadful, we have a kind of rule that they don't get to sleep together on school nights, and I don't want to in force anything on him but the dc's don't know whether they are coming or going
because the rules keep changing.

OP posts:

NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 22:24

I understand you are not married nor paying for the mortgage. Is the house built in his parents garden.

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:26

who said I wasn't paying the mortgage? no the house is not built in his parents garden, it is two farms next to each other, to get to the parents farm he has to drive past the house

OP posts:

Original poster

rotool · 01/05/2012 22:27

what has the mortgage got to do with his behaviour anyway?

OP posts:

NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 22:36

Because if you were not married and the mortgage is his the chance of getting possession of the house is fairly remote. As for behaviour if it it not being abusive and only letting children sleep in the same bed I can't imagine it being taken too seriously. To whom is he not providing money. If you are divorced he may have maintenance payments to you but if you ere never married the only money he will be obliged to pay are whatever child support he is due to pay.

NovackNGood · 01/05/2012 22:36

I all sounds a little bit bleak to be honest but your solicitor will have a better idea for sure.

solidgoldbrass · 01/05/2012 23:26

If the solicitor has advised you to apply for a non-molestation order presumably his behaviour towards you is abusive. If he is being or hs been violent, it may be possible for the courts to order him out of the house as it will be seen as the children's home and the courts' concern will be their right to live in it safe from violence.

flatulette · 01/05/2012 23:46

Have we been invaded by F4J again or something? Children should stay in their own home along with their primary carer where possible. Ignore anyone suggesting otherwise as they don't have the children's interests at heart.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow rotool. Good luck.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 00:01

I very much doubt that your solicitor would have spoken to you about the possibility of obtaining a non-mol if she didn't have good cause to believe that any application for such an Order would be successful.

However, in cases where the victim is living under the same roof as their aggressor, it's common for an occupation order to be sought at the same time as a non-mol.

An occupation order will give you the right to live alone with your dc in the property. He'll have to move out and the non-mol will prohibit him from coming within a specified distance of you and/or making contact with you.

Act on your solicitor's advice and do please let us know how you get on.

Original poster

rotool · 02/05/2012 07:18

Thank you for the advice, I maybe should have explained myself a bit better so 'some people' would understand.
I have been living in an emotional abusive relationship for 10 years and have two children by 'him'.
I recently got taken to hospital by ambulance with suspected meningitis, he told the people I work with, mums at school and anyone else that would listen that I was having a break down.Even when I was having the lumbar puncture he was on the phone to my work saying I was 'on the edge'..I am lucky to still have a job.
As I had been off work for a month I had no money as only get paid for the hours I work. He went away for four days and left me with no money to buy the children food or to put petrol in my car.
He has abused me in bed for years,making me do things I don't want to, not speaking to me for days until I do. He says it's all about effort.
I have only been allowed to have married friends as he doesn't like me having single girlfriends. I have not been allowed to go on any of the mums nights out at school.
The last time I did something he didn't like he put the dog mess in the dog mess bags and put them on my car windscreen.
We had taken the youngest children to choose a puppy, very exited little boys as you can imagine, I did something he didn't like and he phoned the puppy people and told them we couldn't have it. Boys were devastated.
He has told the boys on so many occasions that I don't care about them, I am a liar, I try to 'win' them is I do something for them, like buy a book....it goes on and on and I have had enough. My boys are my life, I am there main carer and work around school hours,cook all there meals,do all the shopping,cleaning, washing,ironing, homework, reading, school trips, etc etc.
Speaking to my solicitor this morning.

OP posts:

Berts · 02/05/2012 08:53

This was posted on another thread and apparently contains all the info on how to get a non-molestation order.

HTH

solidgoldbrass · 02/05/2012 10:57

He sounds totally vile and you probably have a good case for getting your orders, which will mean he is removed from the house and forbidden to return. This really does mean that if he refuses to go, the police will come and physically remove him.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2012 13:04

you need to focus on the concrete nasty stuff like the dog poo - and get photos evidence of it.

"being very manipulative, not telling them off for anything, letting them stay up late, sleep in the same bed ( they are 6 and 7.5 ) undermining me" is not nice but not enough on its own. tho is enough to split for sure.

you have to be careful down the lin not to make a fuss abou differeing parenting styles but more concrete evidence of his undoubted nastiness.

ither he does something nasty enough to warrant callin police to remove him

or you wait for occupation order coupled with non mol order (could take time)
or you look into whther practically you could move out then sort it out egally - but this could take a long time if he drags his heels

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