Affairs - why is it always the woman's fault?

[Pinkie29]

Just looking for a general opinion please.

A friend of mine for the last 15yrs is seeing a married guy and has been for about 8 months she says she loves him etc he makes her feel special after a really bad break-up 2 years ago it's the first time I've seen her genuinely happy since.

I doubt he'll ever leave his wife they've been married forever and have 3 grown up children. My reason for posting almost all our friends have stopped speaking to her? Telling her she's being heartless towards his wife how could she do that etc has she no morals ironically 2 of the friends were married and got with their current partners by way of affairs so surely are in no place to judge? I know it's not right but I just think its nothing to do with me, she doesn't know his wife btw.

Whenever a man cheats it's always the other woman that gets the blame I can understand this if it's a friend or relative but if its a work colleague or some random girl they met the wife/gf is always gunning for them they seduced him enticed him put it in a plate etc rather than just accept their beloved has been unfaithful of his own accord and should direct their anger at the husband not the other woman

It is worth remembering that we come from a vaguely Christian country, with the age old story of Eve as the temptress buried in our collective psyche. Whilst, it is not of huge significance, I think there is a long history in our culture of women being seen as "scarlet" or "temptresses".

For many women it is also easier to think that their partner or husband has been (or may be) seduced into having an affair, than that he actually chose to pursue a woman outside of his marriage.

I wouldn't believe a word he says.

He may or may not have frequent sex with his wife, but if it's a problem it needs solving within the couple, not outside it, unless his wife is ok with him looking elsewhere.

Or everything might actually be ok at home, but he is having his own private mid-life crisis. Or he could be the perpetually dissatisfied bloke just wanting a bit more, like he might want a better TV or a more exotic holiday. OW provides a spark of excitement that he could never get after many years of marriage.

He is wrong to do it, whatever his reasons. She is wrong to let him into her life while he is attached elsewhere.

Well she knows she's seeing a cheat (ipso facto) and its not very sisterly. He is cheating on his wife and it's probably not the first or last time if, as you say, he's been married forever. Your friend is deluding herself at some level: 'it's true love', 'he'll leave his wife', etc. I could have no time for either o the self centred babies.

Pinkie I also have a problem with the OW (or OM for that matter) being blamed instead of the married person but agree with you that they are not blameless.

Again, your friend is only hearing the MM's version of events. It could be that his 30 year marriage is absolutely fine and he and his wife are still having regular sex, but he won't tell your friend that will he?

You're right that if you're happy and content in your relationship, you have no need to look elsewhere, but since when did people stop doing things because they had no need of them? Everyone has it in them to accept something extra if it brightens life up a bit and makes it more exciting and enjoyable.

For most people, the happiness in their lives is not defined solely by their intimate relationships. There are times when work is a bit crap, the kids are being difficult, middle-age is causing an ego-crisis; the point being that these things cause unhappiness in people completely independent of their marriages. Which is why it's such a flawed link that an unsatisfactory marriage must be the cause of an affair. In the people I referred to earlier, it was these other non marriage-related factors that were relevant, plus some admitted selfishness at not being able to say 'no' to something extra that they thought would help deal with the gloom about stroppy teenagers and being overlooked for a promotion at work.

I try not to judge my friends' lives too much. I would tell them they were being a idiot for believing this man, and encourage them to stop the affair, but beyond that, it's none of my business. I have friends from waaay back, and most of them over the years have done something slightly eyebrow raising, even if it just be go to dinner with another man, right through to having two boyfriends at the same time. It's settled down now most are married, but I still can't be arsed to judge or lose friends over this stuff, and several did start their relationships by cheating/being cheated on.

If a friend of mine would embark on an affair with a married man, I would think less of her.

It does not mean I blame her solely for the affair. I don't have to "choose" whose fault the affair is, the husband or the mistress.

IMO, both parties are wrong.

I think many married women think that starting an affair with a married man shows that...you'd have no qualms trying to seduce their husband either?...

well, that won't make you popular, boohoo

A woman who is happy to be in a relationship with a man she knows is married is a bitch. The affair isn't her fault but that doesn't change what she is.

As for the affair being a symptom of problems in the marriage, that may be true however the way to solve it is to talk to your wife/husband and sort it out, not to go out and shag someone else without telling your DH/DW there is a problem.

I don't think or hope most people go in to a relationship with a view of playing away. I would like to think that everyone is in a relationship/marriage with the best intentions but sometimes "life" happens. Not everybody who has an affair wants to break up a marriage. There are so many married men and married woman out there who do not want to rock the boat and upset their families and still they are having affairs.

One could argue that if a partner is having an affair he should tell his wife/husband and address the problems in their relationship. Imho, unless there is an intention of breaking up the relationship/marriage what good would it do to come clean. It certainly would not do anything for the atmosphere at home, me thinks.

Perhaps I'm naive but if my DH was to have an affair, I really hope he would never tell me.

When people are in a relationship for many years, one can get stuck in a routine and perhaps not appreciate each other as much as they should/ once did. If that happens I think it is perhaps easy to be tempted by someone who does notice that you had your hair done, wear a nice dress etc...

If I'm honest I'm happy if the gas man who is digging a hole in the road where I work just smiles at me, not that I want to go off and shagg him, but if give me that feeling of "someone noticed me this morning". (sad I know). But if someone, who feels this way spends time together with someone who gives them that lift, perhaps it is easier to cross "that" line.

About 15 years ago I had a very different opinion about these things, I seem to have changed my mind over the years.

I'm not saying that it is right or wrong and I'm certainly not in a position to pass moral judgement on others.

PS - Sorry for hijacking the OP

"There are so many married men and married woman out there who do not want to rock the boat and upset their families and still they are having affairs."

It's not that they don't want to rock the boat but that they want the "best" of both worlds. Which makes them selfish twats.

Yes it's that they don't want to rock their boat and deal with the consequences to them personally. This view that keeping an affair secret is an act of altruism rather than self-interest is disingenuous.

Is it really that selfish, to have a careful affair, rather than leave your spouse/partner & children? I know it is not ideal - but if that keeps a marriage going & children with their parents, is it better than just leaving because you don't want to be with your spouse/partner anymore?

Breaking up causes pain & devastation - I'm always curious when people say it is better to do break up than have an affair - when maybe in lots of cases affairs prevent that happening?

No set views on this - just curious.

Agree with SoupDragon - she is a bitch.

Unless your friends who ditched her are great mates with him, then I think they are entirely reasonable.

I'd ditch her too.

"if that keeps a marriage going & children with their parents, is it better than just leaving because you don't want to be with your spouse/partner anymore?"

A marriage doesn't have any value in and of itself, the thing that makes it worth maintaining is that it is happy.

If one person is being lied to and treated like a fool and having their choice about whether to stay in a marriage with someone who lies to them and risks conceiving a child with someone else or passing on an STD, then it is not a happy marriage. It is a lie.

I think it is the cruellest sort of self-justification to fuck someone over like that and pretend you are being kind to them.

Married men couldn't Cheat if single women were not prepared to sleep with them

Of know one will sleep with you unless you are divorced the only choice you would have is to stay faithful or divorce

It's shocking the amount of women who actively pressure married men

I have experienced this myself were my sister has gone after a married man with a zeal seconed to only athletes

That's what why op yur friend is at fault

Both are wrong

Also your mate and this bloke are stealing time from his kids he lies to them about we're he is instead of spending time with them he is out shagging her

In many cases the person having an affair doesn't want to leave his partner and children. He just wants something 'extra'. So it's not that the affair 'keeps his marriage going'; it would still keep going whether he was having an affair or not. I think it's true that some people use affairs to prop up a marriage that they should have left years ago and is causing damage to their children. The affair is a distraction from dealing with the issues and putting their children's rights to live in a happy home first, but that's also quite a selfish motivation. Ultimately, if you're the only one who is making a choice in the matter, it's very selfish behaviour.

"Is it really that selfish, to have a careful affair, rather than leave your spouse/partner & children? "

Well, that depends on whether the other partner is happy to be cheated on. If they are under the impression it is a monogamous relationship and misbehaving accordingly, it's a pretty shitty thing to do to them isn't it?

Think about your partner. Would you honestly be happy for him/her to be sleeping about provided you didn't find out?

SoupDragon, i know the answer to your last question, as my ex-H had an affair.

I'm just curious about the whole affair / marriage break up thing. I see on MN over & over again that if the marriage isn't working & appears to be dead, then the marriage should break up. One door should be closed before another is opened - is an often quoted phrase.

And yet, I wonder if it is better to be left because your partner no longer loves you enough to remain with you - or because they've fallen in love with someone else? Dunno, just thinking which is less ghastly to live with afterwards.

Think about your partner. Would you honestly be happy for him/her to be sleeping about provided you didn't find out?

If you don't know about it then how can you be happy/unhappy about it.

If I did know about it and my relationship broke up as a result or we would decide to put it behind us and carry on with the relationship, would I be happy about it? I don't think so.

But Jinx, imagine if it came out years and years later? Even after the death of your DH, should he die before you?

How would you feel then, knowing that the past 10, 20, 30 years of your life were based on a false premise and your DH was actually a consummate liar and cheat rather than the man you thought him to be?

Surely you'd rather discover that kind of bombshell sooner rather than later?

I don't know pebble, if he stayed married for 30 plus years, I think I'd have to credit the man with sticking around. IMO, it is easier to bugger off, than stay married and have the kind of affair your spouse doesn't find out about.

As someone who has recently discovered my H's affair, I cannot describe the devastation that the person closest to you, whom you would have trusted with your life would choose to betray and behave so deceitfully towards you and your family.

I blame my H but I also see the OW as culpable as she knew he was / is married.

I have read so many similar stories since and I always come to this conclusion, if there was something wrong with the marriage, then why did only one person stray? I could take some blame for problems in my marriage but H has to take 100% responsibility for his decision to have an affair.

An affair destroys not just the marriage, it destroys trust, hope, self-esteem and it breaks up families and hurts the children in them for what at the end of the day is a very selfish act by 2 self-absorbed and self-centred people.

But again 'sticking around' implies that this is a burden and that there's nothing in it for the man. 'Sticking around' usually means keeping his assets intact, seeing his children every day, being serviced domestically, invariably having sex and companionship with his wife and retaining the image of the 'nice happily married man' amongst his peers.

It's not 'easier' to bugger off. That could mean losing all of the above. People stay in their marriages because it suits them no matter what they tell you to the contrary.

Spree It is devastating and awful what's happened and i sympathise but it was your dh who took the vows not the ow maybe she didn't care that he was married? This is what I don't understand unless the ow is related or a friend they have no loyalty to the wife and to begin with may not have known he was married?

jinx1906 I've always been of that opinion what I don't know can't hurt me either