When one half wants a baby but the other half doesn't!!

[Pagan]

Is there ever a solution? My friend is the loveliest, most happy, shiney person you would ever meet and she has been married just over a year to a really nice guy. She put a lot out for him, moving a great distance, new job etc. and they got married knowing and agreeing that she wanted kids but they would wait until they'd been married for a year. Now he's saying that he wants to wait until things are perfect between them. The reason things aren't quite so perfect is because she's a bit blue because he's still holding out on her and her body clock is ticking (she's 37) so a vicious circle has developed.

If I had one wish it would be for her to have all her dreams come true because she truly deserves it but is there a way forward for them? It seems to me that he just keeps moving the goalposts and burying his head in the sand. He's a lovely guy and I know he loves her very deeply.

Can you get her to ask him if he envisages being 60 and childless? That's how I knew I was ready for children - I wasn't particularly maternal (I'm still not) but I knew that my future included children (was told I'd never have them when I was 22, so would've been adoption if I really couldn't), so I'd better get on with producing them.

It sounds like he's scared of the changes a child brings because he's set in his ways and enjoys their current lifestyle. That's v common, IMO.

You are so spot on - he is terrified of change!! I'll mention that one to her.

Sounds like my DH.

I threatend to leave. In fact we even got as far as working out the finances. There were other issues as well but the baby one was a huge one.

I decided to give it one more go and he agreed to try for a baby.

DS is now 4.5 and DH is a great Dad and loves DS to bits.

Now trying to get him to agree to number 2 is ongoing!

Pagan I really feel for your friend. I'd love to be a mum but DP has had a vasectory and won't have it reversed (he has a dd). Our situation is different to your friends though in that when we met I genuinely thought I didn't want any children but have since changed my mind. I wonder if he really does just want to wait or if he's decided he doesn't want a baby at all?

To answer your question directly, no I don't think there is a solution as such. If he doesn't want a child and she does then to put it bluntly either one of them has to back down or they have to split. I decided after lots, and I mean lots of soul-searching that I wanted my DP more than I wanted a child. I can only hope that I never regret my decision

I really hope they can talk about this and find a solution

I dated someone for 7 years who kept putting off having a child with me. He was 15 years older and already had a child. Anyway, I realised I wanted children so I dumped him (painful as it was) the best decision I ever made though. Now I have two lovely girls and a lovely hubby.

My story parallels Isyhan. I was married to a man - we were both in our early 20s, and kids weren't even on the agenda. It was just one of those things for the future. When the future came, however, he did not want kids.

We tried counselling, but as the counselor said, 'This is one of those things I will not in good conscience counsel someone to do. Or not.'

We both wanted different things for the future. Counselling clarified what we already knew.

We decided to divorce amicably. It wasn't fair for me to pressure him, and it wasn't fair for him to make that decision for me.

Best thing we ever did! We're both remarried - I married a man who wanted kids and we have two lovely daughters. He married a woman who never wanted kids and they're both sterilised. We're all blissfully happy and still on good terms.

It's worth seeing a counsellor and getting a more solid view of what they both expect for the future.

They are seeing a counsellor thankfully. Thing is that they agreed that kids was part of the deal when they got married but now he's dithering again as I see it, by making up silly excuses for not getting on with it.

Ah I see! I really, really hope they can come to an agreement w/the cousellor's help, especially if they agreed that kids would be part of the deal before they married.