How to do the "right" thing about contact.

[joruth]

A couple of months ago I had a thread (or 2) which involved trying to sort my head out regarding my abusive (emotional, verbal, sexual, occasionally physical) husband and his relationship with our children.

To summarise we have 4 DCs, he was directly abusive (verbal/emotional) to the oldest 2 (now 10 and 9) which started age 7 in both cases, and indirectly to the youngest (now 7 and 5) and showing an escalation of abuse towards me throughout our 12 year marriage.

Following unreasonable behaviour to dog (!!) I eventually kicked him out in October 2011.

over the next couple of months his abuse to the children escalated despite my efforts to arrange safe and regular contact. This culminated in a big blow-up on our DC3's birthday. Following which he was arrested and I have not seen him, nor have I allowed direct contact with DCs since. They skype weekly (whether they want to or not) and are allowed to phone him whenever they want to (apart from the youngest this is pretty much never).

Since they have stopped seeing him the oldest 2 have flourished, their school reports are remarkable, their personal relationships have blossomed and even people who know nothing about our circs are commenting on the difference . DC3 is subtly happier and more relaxed. DC4 (age 5) is the only one who really really misses her DF but even she is doing ok.

Now he is working very little, is staying either with his parents (on the floor) and various friends, he is not engaging with the separation process at all and is telling DCs he will be back for good soon and that he is doing" everything he can to make things right". In fact he appears to be doing very little of anything at all.

My instincts tell me to keep this man as far away from our DCs as possible. Since he left I have found out much more about him, it turns out he was and is an accomplished liar as well as an abuser. (he has an ex wife who fled in the night to WA hostel due to abuse...all news to me!).

will the DCs hate me in the future if he "fades away"from their lives, will the courts punish me if I keep the status quo and see me as obstructive to contact??

What would you do?
Thanks

I have done exactly the same (only a DS).

But I have also filed in court for parental regulation, asking for supervised contact. Mainly so that he gets very little power over DS and to prevent nasty situations.

Just make sure you keep records so that you have evidence if he ever complains.

Ah and I think the DCs will thank you, even if they temporarily may turn against you when they are teenagers.
If he continues to be abusive they will soon be on your "side".

No. I think you should continue to keep him away from them as much as you can. You have good reason, even if it did go to court - the separation has had a positive effect on the children, the older ones are not interested in making contact with him unless they have to, he has been directly abusive to the children in the past, he does not appear to be making any effort to "make things right" despite his promises, and you do not trust him, because he has a track record of lying.

It sounds like the older ones see through him, and the younger ones will, when they are old enough to understand, because the older ones will say things even if you don't.

If it does end up going to court I would bet that it would be recommended he saw them at a contact centre anyway, at least at first. The older two are old enough that they would get a say, I think, and DC3 will be soon as well. I think it is 12 that they can refuse contact completely.

thanks.

.... every now and again I see some article about contact and I get scared someone is going to come and give him every other weekend or something daft. It's good to know it seems reasonable to someone other than me!

Has your question come about because you intend to file for divorce or has he asked for direct contact with the dc?

In any event, I would advise you to get your dcs' progress before and after his departure documented and to this end, if you haven't already done so, I would suggest you make their school(s) aware of your/their changed circumstances.

Although they may seem to have come on in leaps and bounds, having been subjected to to verbal/emotional abuse, and having witnessed their father's behaviour to you, may have left them with feelings of 'not being good enough' or others issues of self-esteem and self-worth which may cause them conflict in the future, especially around puberty and the sometimes tumultous teenage years.

IMO it will be in their best interests, and also aid your case should he seek to vary the contact he currently has with the dc, if you seek a referral from their school(s) or GP to a child or educational psychologist.

You've mentioned an ex-wife. Did you not know that he'd been married before? Does he have dc from that marriage? Again, I would suggest that you gather and substantiate as much information as you can about that relationship as it may also aid your case if he seeks to see more of the dc than he already enjoys.

From what you've said, it would seem probable that he won't get off his idle arse bother but, nevertheless, it would be sensible to get as many arrows in your quiver as possible on a 'just in case' basis.

Many congratulations on getting this abusive twunt out of your lives - I have no doubt that your dc are not the only ones that have benefitted from his absence and I hope that the dog has suffered no ill-effects from his/her ordeal(s) at the hands of this hateful man.

That's not going to happen, honey. No-one's going to descend from the sky and decree that he must have more contact/overnight stays etc.

If he wants to vary the current arrangement he'll have to apply to a Court of Law and, although I suspect there's a very good chance that he'll simply resign himself to the status quo, it's advisable for you to quietly build a case for any face-to-face contact he has with the dc to be supervised in a contact centre.

izzy...you have helped me so much via other people's threads too: thanks.

Schools are aware and are documenting well (and pointedly).
Have been trying to access ed psych but tricky funding issues are blocking at present. Local WA has put something in for oldest 2 via PSE classes. but this does not assess them directly.

Ex wife was said to be someone different, much shorter marriage than actually the case, no DCs (this last is true)..can't quite believe I was duped so easily.

I am sure there will be lots of issues in the future for DCs but am enjoying the peace and calm whilst it lasts.

The question is prompted by the fact that i am unlikely to be able to maintain payments on our home in the long term and i suspect that the minute I prod him with a divorce petition/financial agreement or any other thing he will start to use the DCs as bargaining chips as he knows they are the best way to torture me.

I am a new woman (most days)...and life is good (if rainy)