Need to resolve this issue now.......

[CCsgirl]

I'm engaged and due to get married next year, been with my fiancée several years. We have a great relationship but this one issue is really bothering me and causing arguments. The issue is our financial arrangements ( maybe this should be in money???). He earns substantially more than me although we both work full time. We emigrated last year and since then both our salaries go into one account (the only current account we have) from which all expenses are met. In the past I have been terrible with money and have ended up in debt and I accept that I will never be great with responsible spending. In the UK i was meant to give my OH a set amount every month towards bills but often didnt have all of it due to overspending. The issue now is I have to answer for practically everything I spend. I feel resentment about it and it causes arguments. For example, I wanted to buy some tickets tonight for something I wanted to go to, about 100 quid. I mention it, first question is , " how much are they" my hackles go up, we row. I feel very controlled. I'm thinking of opening my own account tomorrow that we can then transfer a set amount into every month that I can do what I want with, no questions. My mother has always been controlled financially by my father and I don't want to have the same marriage. I do accept though that my OH has genuine reason to be concerned given my financial mismanagement in the recent past.. How do you all manage these arrangements? This has the potential to become a real issue and I want to sort it before we get wed. Thanks for reading

A couple of friends do have separate accounts because she is a bit like you (I don't think she has ever been in debt, though) and he is VERY careful with money.

I think it saves them lots of arguments, but I also think she has got better with money.

If you get in debt and are married, it won't be fair on your future husband.

You HAVE to be able to control your expenditure. "How much are they?" is a question you should be asking yourself. And, more importantly "Can I afford them?".
Actually, I think that would be a normal question between a normal couple.

You are feeling controlled because he is "having" to act like a parent and you seem to want to continue your spending habits. Frankly, I wouldn't marry anyone who couldn't be minimally responsible with money.

If you get money into an account, you are still being given an "allowance". Make sure you can't get in debt with that one. If you train yourself to be better with money, I bet he will back off more. Why don't you join him in the exercise of checking up all the expenditure and budgeting?

At worst, a good reason to keep on top of your finances is that if you happen to split and you don't have your own savings, you will be in a much weaker position.

It's difficult to say whether he's being controlling or not. When you split bills before were you contributing 50/50 or were you paying according to how much you earned? And at the moment do you each have the same amount of spending money or does he have more than you?

Having had to share life with a spendthrift exH I'm rather on your fiancee's side on this one. It's miserable to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust with money. 'How much is it?' is a reasonable question but I know that my exH, like you, treated it as a personal attack and became very resentful. He would also have big arguments about being 'controlled' if I so much as suggested he cut back on his spending. Saw it as an infringement of his liberties rather than taking some responsibility. It was a big part of why we broke up in the end.

How you manage it is that you prove yourself to be financially trustworthy. Agree to put the majority of your salary towards joint costs... via Standing Order so that you can't duck out of it this time. Then manage what's left in a personal account, keeping it in credit. If you do this for long enough he might be able to trust you again.

I accept that I will never be great with responsible spending.

That's a cop out. What you're saying is you feel you can do what you like with money then when it all goes tits up you can throw your hands up and say 'boo hoo, it's not my fault, I'm not great with responsible spending'.

In the UK i was meant to give my OH a set amount every month towards bills but often didnt have all of it due to overspending.

I'm surprised he even agreed to have a joint account with you. I wouldn't marry someone whose attitude towards finances was so far apart from mine.

Instead of abdicating all responsibility for finances you need to be proactive in showing your DP that you are interested, that you know how much is coming in and going out of your account and that you're not spending frivolously.

I think unfortunately if your DP knows about the debt and overspending then I think he's just trying to protect himself. He would be just as liable as you if you got yourself into debt again. As a compromise, get another account just for you and take some of your money every month. You can do this without his permission. Then you will have some of your own to spend. But if you spend all that, then do expect the third degree if you ask for more from the joint account.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. In response to some of the things raised: I am in no way attempting to abdicate my financial responsibility to my OH. We saw emigrating as a fresh start, I alone have cleared my debt over the last year and I am a lot more financially aware than I was. As an example, if I'm going to spend more than 50 quid we will discuss it and I appreciate having that check in place. He never said I should but I feel I want to. I know what I earn, what he earns and what our outgoings are. We are in a really good position financially and I will not do anything to jeopardise that especially given that I know how awful it is to have debt and the issues that causes in a relationship. I suppose I don't feel I'm being allowed to prove myself or move on. I earn a decent salary and don't feel I should have to justify spending money we can easily afford on a relatively cheap ticket for something I really want to go to? I think the answer is to have a bit of cash transferred into a joint account every month for things like tickets for stuff I fancy doing that he wont want to come to. I actually would like to save some cash too to prove to myself I can do it

Previously we split bills 50/50 but our UK salaries were more equal, now it all goes into the one pot and we spend from that. Tonight's row erupted as this week he spent twice what this tickets cost on something without consultation. When I was immediately asked howmuch the ticket i wanted was I couldn't help but think it was a bit unfair?

Open your own current account for your salary to go into. From there, set up a direct debit into the joint account for the money towards the joint bills that you have agreed. Also set up a savings account and set up a direct debit for whatever amount you see fit to go into there each month - that money to be used for contributions towards joint spending such as holidays, days out etc. Get the money to leave your account as soon as you are paid.
Then the money that is left in your current account is your own to buy what you want out of, and if you overspend on that then it is your own tough cheese.
Takes the pressure off both you and your husband like that.

Oops fiance, sorry

Selks that sounds like a good idea, at the moment we have a direct debit from our current account to the savings account every month. I offered to have my salary paid straight into the joint account as I felt it was the responsible thing to do and showed how willing I am to work on my past shortcomings. I think I would rather have a small direct debit for spending money from the joint account back into an account in my name

From your last posts, then it seems sensible.
Have you mentioned your plan to him?
Is he against it in any way?

If you have shown to be responsible, he needs to back off a bit.
Talk about it with him when you have both calmed down?

For example, agree on from which amount you should BOTH discuss purchases from the joint account.

PS - What I mentioned earlier about having saved money on our own name still stands. Even with the best intentions, it may all be for the best. Who knows if he'll be the one going into debt at some point, even?