swirling emotions

[ThyWillBeDone]

I am a newbie and apologise that my first post is to ask for advice. I have read so much over the past few weeks about relationships, EA and your advice for all involved, but I still would really appreciate some views about this.

I am early forties, 3 DC (15, 13, 11), I work 3 part time jobs. My DH has to work long hours due to the nature of his job, self employed. Over the past year I have taken time to look more closely at 'my life', the unshared domestic duties - and I mean I do 90%+, the unshared school runs/pick ups/after school club juggles, organising family stuff. It has never bothered me, then about a year ago it started bugging the hell out of me (mid life crisis??) and I thought that as he never arranged anything I would 'arrange' to go and have a very good girls only night out, a meal, good chats, nice wine, got home about 1am and received the 'silent treatment'. Fuck that I thought, why couldn't he just ask if I had had a good time! So, another girls night out came up about a month later and my name was top of that list. That night he refused to say 'goodbye' to me when I left the house and then at 2am (I was so angry I was just being immature and staying out late) he texts to ask if 'I was coming home'!! I was so tempted to say 'no'. Got home and he was still up as he says he can't sleep if I am not at home and then has the nerve to say the next day how tired he was and it was my fault!

Today I really gave him all the thoughts that have been swirling in my head about our relationship and how I felt he wasn't really adding much to it but rather just letting the days drift along, he has a tendency not to meet problems head on and hope/wait for things to calm down. He says I am a controlling person and I wouldn't like it if he sprang a suprise on me so I asked when did he last organise something for the two of us - the so sad thing he couldn't even place a time or event when he had just whisked me off for a meal, drink, cinema and then he said there was never any time with the kids/working/busy schedules to pick a day that suited both of us. He got so upset when I mentioned a separation and told me that the children would be devasted and I would be breaking up a happy home. He went back to work and I was left wondering if I am a heartless bitch who wants 'her cake and eat it' because at the end of the day I was told that 'I had so much, he loves me so much, gives me so much and we have a great time'. I asked about Relate and would he go and he said he didn't want to waste time and money on talking about it to strangers, I'm sure he thinks it is 'hormonal' and I will revert back to 'normal' soon. Could it just be a mid life crisis?? I am such a confident person that I can see both the disadvantages and advantages of a separation which just makes me more confused about the whole situation. Advice very needed - is this a healthy relationship I am breaking up??

when one partner gives the other the silent treatment, then the relationship is not healthy.

it sounds like he wants you to put up and shut up, to do things his way, with no effort on his part. however there's a small chance that he is just showing the weaker side of himself here, and he might be able to pull himself together if given a chance.

be calm. i would treat this as a negotiation - give him something, and then see if he gives something in return. if he does, there's some hope. if he carries on with his sense of entitlement and remains stroppy, then i would say it's time to push on with a separation.

e.g. you could say...
"I can see that my making plans without you has upset you. I can understand why, it's a change from normal and has probably unsettled you. The thing is, i still love you, I just want a bit more out of my social life! Can you start planning things, for yourself alone and for us together? while I continue to go out occasionally with my friends? shall we see where this takes us?"

if he gets stroppy at that, then i think it's time to ignore him and move on really. you can't live with someone who's that unreasonable for the rest of your natural life. you can't be around to wipe his arse forever, with no fun times of your own.

if he shows a bit of interest in that, and seems open-hearted about it, maybe there is some hope and you can build on that.

he does sound childish tbh. but there are people out there who are absolutely terrified of any kind of change, and sometimes need a little time/support before they come around to it. he might be one of these.

the silent treatment stuff is a red flag though. sorry. i hope he stops doing that sharpish because it's complete nonsense and gets him nowhere.

I think this is a lack of communication problem. You've got used to each other, a bit boring, take each other for granted and don't appreciate what each other brings to the relationship. It has bumbled along, no-one complaining, everyone just getting on with it until you had your Road to Damascus moment.

This is fine but you're now on Page 5 of having identified that there are a few problems, getting angry for a year, and deciding on the solution of girls' nights out whereas he is still on Page 1... bumbling along thinking everything is hunky-dory because he's providing for his family and it's all totally normal. Of course the idea of a separation has come as a shock because he has no idea that you're so unhappy. I can also understand the 'controlling' accusation because it seems to be a unilateral move the way you describe it.

Unless you've decided that the whole set-up is completely intolerable I would suggest you don't separate straight away but discuss the fact that there are a few problems and see if you can both find some solutions. Not Relate. Just talk to each other.

Thank you. I will be talking to him later, calmly but honestly. I take on board the 'where I am and where he is' comment and you are right. I will therefore point to the areas I feel are lacking and ask him for his pov. I will stress that I am too old for the silent treatment and I am perfectly entitled to a night out without him or the children without being treated like a child who missed their curfew!

Oikopolis: he doesn't do nights out on his own. That's part of the problem, I try to get him to go out but he's tired/doesn't feel like it so I then get the response that 'I don't go out why do you?'. It seems we need to do some talking don't we.

Thanks once again. Much appreciated getting some clear views. Friends think we have the perfect set up too so I can't talk in RL. Ah, the masks we use in public.