my dad won't be civil to my DP, or anyone else for that matter.

[mellowmee]

My dad has never been easy, mum thinks it is autistic spectrum, me I think it is emotional abuse. He doesn't like himself, thinks he is a failure and wallows in self pity and has done for as long as I can remember and i am in my thirties.

He doesn't like other people and picks them apart and is blatently rude to there face. He is getting worse with age. He is not intouch with his family and doesn't really have any friends as he always finds a reason not to like people. People really like him at first as he is very charismatic. The problem is that he makes it hard for anyone to come and stay at the fmaily house. My mum has lots of fmaily and friends but when they come to stay he will literally sit at the dinner table and refuse to speak to them etc etc. It is horrid and my mum should have left him years ago. They are now retired nad can't afford to split up though she wishes she could.

He has now decided that he doesn't like my DP, the father of his grandson. There is nothing to dislike about my DP really, he is not perfect, but he is great in many ways. We are supposed to be going to stay with them soon but my dad has made it blatently clear that DP is not welcome and i know he will just be rude the whole time if he comes. He has said that he might even go away whilst we visit. I am furious. My DP has not done anything in particular to get this treatment, it is just that my dad finds small things that he doesn not like. With my DP he doesn't like his table manners for example, which aren't perfect but are not all that bad either.

What do I do with this? My dad cannot be spoken to rationally, he flies off the handle and can never see that he is in the wrong. TBH I don't particularly care about my relationship with my dad, he has worn me down far too much over the years, but I love my mum so dearly and she is so desperate for us in her family as living with him she is so lonely. If they didn't live together then I would just not bother going to see my dad. We live far away so day visits are not possible.

Feeling so so angry and churned up.

no way would I go to stay with anyone who was that rude to my DH.

Can your mum come and visit you?

I'd go along (mostly to see your mum) arrange to stay at a hotel rather than be trapped in their home and, at the first hint of rudeness, confront the man together as a couple. A united stand can often make bullies stand down. If he flies off the handle, leave immediately.

bring mum to visit

don't give the old bastard any fuel for his nastiness. he sounds dreadful.

go, but stay in a hotel, and if your dad blanks your DP take your mum out for dinner one night and let him get on with it on his own? Unless that would have repercussions for your mum? what a horrible situation OP :( I don't really know what I'd do, other than confront him.

I could have written your post - everything you say is how it is with my family. End result is I haven't seen or spoken to my dad for over ten years. I see my mum once in a blue moon (every few years). She has only seen my ds twice and my dad has never seen him at all, and doesn't show any interest. He makes it difficult for my mum to come and see us, and we can't go there. I have made sure my mum knows that if she ever makes the choice to leave him she will always have somewhere to come, but can't do anything else to change the situation. I don't think there is anything you can do other than keep the channels of communication open for your mum's sake, but be clear his behaviour is unacceptable and you do not have to put up with it. If you can find somewhere other than their home to see your mum that may be the best thing for now - having it out with him only ever seemed to make things escalate and make things more difficult for my mum. It's taken me years to realise that the problem is with him and it wasn't my fault, so it's really good that it sounds like you have that bit figured out already.

Jesus, these mums need to be introduced to mumsnet!

I can kind of understand staying together for the children but when the children have flown the nest - why?

Buy your mum some books recommended on this topic. What would happen if you stood up to your dad in the way your mum should have done years ago? What wasted lives - so sad.

Turn it back on him, mum comes to you, but he isn't welcome and if he tries then you will be very rude to him.

He's acting like a spoilt teenager, so treat him like one - tough love

Tall - I don't know about the op, but in my mum's case I think he's done such a job of work on her over the years that she honestly can't see a life without him. She did try to throw him out once when he'd done yet another unspeakable thing to her, but after a few days of him using delaying tactics by sorting his stuff out her willpower fizzled out. I don't need telling how mental it is that she's stayed with him, but don't seem to be able to get her to see it, and by bloody god have I tried. It's like he's made her choose between her kids and him, and I think we lost. Sorry for the hijack mellow.

Sorry RedMolly - my post was a general wail of despair - if you were refering to me, I wasn't trying to tell you how mental it is, it's just so sad . Think I need to stay off this topic for a while.

Tall - I wasn't cross at your post so very sorry if it came across that way - was just trying to explain. I totally agree that it is very sad. Please don't feel you need to stay away on my account.

No RedMolly, sorry - I meant 'relationships' in general. Didn't take my own advice though. Been getting upset again just now.

mellowme - hope you're okay btw x

Why not go with your dads way of thinking......he can go away for the duration of your visit. No need for hotels, your mum can enjoy her family in the comfort of her own home and no horrible situations to deal with.

Best thing about this is that it was your dads idea!

Good luck, hope one way or another you all get to have a lovely time.