dh and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12 and have 2 dc (6 & 8).
Yesterday I had a revelatory moment, that I should have had years ago, that he has been emotionally abusing me for a long, long time, probably since we met. He is very clever and incredibly manipulative- an absolute jekyll and hyde. Most of the time he is fine as long as everything goes his way but heaven forbid that someone else makes a mistake or disrupts his plans (no matter how minor). He can blow up at the slightest provocation and recently I feel it has been getting worse. He then usually does something like cook me a lovely meal or take me out for dinner or buy me some clothes to make up for it. I don't want any of those things- I want respect.
Over the last week he has exploded and subjected me to massive tirades over several trivial things. He has over-reacted to the children in a spectacular fashion grabbing them and being really rough while shouting at them- very frightening.
On thursday he discovered that we had not been included in a night out with three other couples that we are friendly with. He was very cross about this and ranted on about it. I tried to placate him by saying not everyone has to be included in every social event and other platitudes but in the end he concluded that it was my fault for having poor social skills and then expanded on my failings in social situations and described me as a useless friend. I felt absolutely terrible after this and couldn't sleep all night.
The irony is that yesterday I was invited out with the female halves of these couples. It got me thinking about his behaviour the last few times we have socialised with these couples. He has started an intense debate with a head teacher about education where dh was rudely over-riding everything the head was saying. Another time he proceeded to make derogatory comments about one husband after he had left. Also, one friend made a jokingly rude comment to dh and he responded with real venom and was really insulting in return. Maybe, just maybe, it's him with the poor social skills.
He has been claiming he is stressed because his brother and sis-in-law, who had a still born baby last year, are due to have another baby on Friday and he is worried about them. On sunday he had a big explosion over my mum and dad coming for lunch, the kids and I went and spent the day with my parents instead.
When we talked about it yesterday he said it was because I hadn't talked to him about his worries and I wasn't looking after him enough. I had left him alone when what he needed was company. When I tried to explain that no matter what the worries, it wasn't fair to take it out on me or the kids he just said I didn't understand him and wasn't listening to what he was saying, I mustn't tell him off or shout at him or tell him he's bad- I must be kind to him. What a load of shit.
I feel now that I will wait until next week and the new baby is here, so that he can't use it as an excuse, and then I have to issue him with an ultimatum. He must treat me and the children with loving respect or he must leave.
I am sure we will need professional help if we are to stand any chance of saving our marriage but will it work? Can the leopard change his spots?