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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can you give me a bit of reassurance please, after another unprovoked personal attack!

25 replies

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 10:53

When someone calls you names, it is how they feel about themselves?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 11:05

To your face, it's powerlessness. They have no influence over you so they resort to insults instead. Behind your back, it's an expression of their own insecurity and cowardice.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 11:18

It was this time to my face, well my back as I was walking away. I was getting on with my own thing, and out of the corner of my eye I could see them with a very powerfull stand looking at me trying to intimidate me. I carried on doing what I was doing and walked in the direction I needed to go in. It was then they called me nasty names about my appearance and a cow.

This person seriously is not given a thought from me until they invade my life, I couldn't care less about what they get up to. They seem obsessed with me. I seriously don't get it, nothing for years then loads of really weird stuff directed at me from them, which I know is their stuff, I suppose it is upsetting it is being directed at me. I never had a friendship with this person or a falling out with them, it is so strange.

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MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 11:30

I haven't got anyone to speak to about this in RL. I feel that the police are not doing anything, they visited looked at letters she sent, had words with her, said the last time that they were investigating, and nobody rang back yesterday after I reported this latest thing. I feel quite alone and vounerable feel that the police are not doing anything that I can see. It seems she can keep doing what she wants to me, unprovoked and I am not responding as that was the advice I got from the police.

I would have loved to have given her a piece of my mind after she was so nasty again. I am getting all the pressure of her crap and the police who are doing nothing telling me to say or do nothing back, yet are doing nothing to help me.

I feel a double victim, and I don't want to give away my power to useless police, I want this fucking weirdo to leave me in peace and deal with their own issues without loading it all onto me.

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GinPalace · 01/05/2012 11:33

I don't suppose you are in a neighbourhood watch area are you? If so the group maybe able to offer support if you have no-one else is RL?

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 11:46

There is no neighbourhood watch locally. She has always been a bit of a bully and is a strong personality, which is why no relationship ever evolved, I didn't take to her at all.

She seems to want me to acknowledge her, it started back when I got depressed and stopped waving at her as I used to, I was always a friendly smiley person, she demanded I continue to do as I had one day, demanding to know why I had stopped. I did continue for a bit, it pissed me off and made me feel controlled so I stopped. I just ignored her after that, it was years ago though. The odd letters I ignored, and the other stuff. She used to tell me when I first met her how she hoovered several times a day, and seems to be very controlling and has an extreme need to have things tidy and clean, kind of over the top iykwim.

After the police told her to leave me alone, she started these enormous over the top windmill waves at me, with a huge smile, I just ignored her again, she looked ever more mentally unwell than her letters suggested she was.

I have no interest in this strange person, I get on with my life and they keep wanting to upset me and let me know they exist, I am nothing to them, it is all so odd.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 11:50

Personally I would do two things. First.... understanding that she is the strange one with the problem, not you. Second.... keeping a record of any events when she insults or tries to intimidate you in other ways. The first measure will help you keep walking on by - much as you would any random, bizarrely behaved individual. (The world is full of people that rant at pillar-boxes remember) The second will build into more comprehensive evidence should things escalate and you wish to involve the police. In the meantime, do as the police suggest and resist the temptation to react. She'll get bored with you eventually and move on to someone else.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 11:58

Cognito, I really do hope she gets bored, this has been going on since around Christmas time, she is not bored yet seemingly. She gets excited when she see's me, which is normally when I am diriving or in my house, this was the first time since she attempted to push her way into my home that she has been anywhere near me out in the open and she was very excited, as I said I could see her with her dominant body language and as I walked away she was name calling. She doesn't get to see me much as I don't go out much due to my disability.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 12:03

She sounds like an Olympic class nutter to me. Pushing her way into your home??? Shock Does she have some kind of mental health problem do you think?

tallwivglasses · 01/05/2012 12:13

'Disability' being the key word here. She sees you're vulnerable so knows she can get away with acting in a threatening way towards you. This is 'hate crime' and the police should take it very seriously (there may even be a designated officer).

A friend of mine was threatened for years and the police did very little. It was only when it was pointed out to the police that this was disability hate crime that they pulled their fingers out: my friend had a video interview and the bloke was cautioned - basically if he does it again he'll be in prison.

So - record everything and see your GP and tell them what's going on and how it's affecting your health. If you're in social housing speak to your housing officer...and call the police asking for the officer that deals with disability hate crime. Even speak to your MP - that often gets things moving a little faster than they would have done.

It sounds heavy-handed but it's the only way to deal with these sad fucks. Good luck Smile

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:15

She actually rang the police on me after she did that, I later found out she made a false report about the incident that presented her as a well meaning neighbour and me as someone threatening. Unusually I had someone in the house with me at the time, if I had not then I dread to think what could have happened. Again yesterday I had a someone working in the garden when she saw me outside and I do wonder what would have happened if there was not someone who could have witnessed something, had she physically attacked me.

She pushed her way into the house, well tried as I said that I couldn't talk to her at that point as it was not a good time for me, she was enraged, and went nuts shouting at me. I had had the first odd letter through the door before the door incident and I was pleased to give a reason to not speak to her to be honnest. I check who is at the door now before answering it.

She comes across as a personality strong person when I spoke to her previously, you wouldn't mess with, they are not the brightest people academically the kids are older than mine and it was obvious they were not academic from comments made at school and by her years back, they are street smart, physical people, the parents have low academic jobs, and obviously I have no clue about their personal health records.

I remember seeing her in the supermarket years back and she seemed to have to justify what she was buying, I wasn't interested in what was in her trolly at all, I smiled and moved on. The kids when they were younger used to come up to you in the stree and tell you about how well they were doing as a family financially, and stuff like that, again I couldn't have cared less, I smiled and got on with things.

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MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:16

I pointed it out to the police that I thought it was due to my disability and from day one I said I feel vounerable.

Do you think I should contact my MP about this?

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GinPalace · 01/05/2012 12:25

Not your MP maybe but certainly your local councillor.

You should complain about the lack of support from the police. The fact that no-one has contacted you about the latest incident despite knowing you are having ongoing problems is not acceptable. Additionally if the woman is in social housing the social housing landlord can take steps to move her if she is being a bad neighbour - perhaps worth addressing too through council if necessary.

The police should take it seriously:

harrassment

I don't know what your disability is but it is relevant if it makes you more vulnerable so you should certainly highlight it to the police if it makes them take it more seriously.

assistance here

It sounds awful and I hope the problem goes away soon. :(

Good luck

GinPalace · 01/05/2012 12:27

Incidentally - a quick look at the second link I put there ^^ reveals that what she is doing is against the law. So you are not being silly in wanting it dealt with and you are entitled to protection.

GinPalace · 01/05/2012 12:28

Ha!! It also shows I am talking through my arse as it say you can talk to your MP not just your councillor! Oops. Blush

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 12:29

So - reading between the lines - she's the matriarch of the local ASBO family, thinks she owns the place, and they have a track record of being aggressive and unpleasant?.... Police, councillors, social services (probably know them).

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:32

We all own our property.

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MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:35

They are a bit asbo when I think of it, when the kids were in secondary uniforms they used to rid up and down the street in one of those mini scooters with petrol and mini motorbikes. No one said anything, maybe she feels a bit like she doesn't belong in the stree to think of it, as everyone else is professional and their kids don't behave like that, it never really occured to me before. I have quite a high tollerance of crap.

I have emailed the MP, which looks like the wrong thing to do, hey ho, it is done now.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 12:38

She may be acting out of insecurity but, more likely IME, she is aware that they are the 'problem family' in a nice neighbourhood and is on the defensive, putting on a front the size of Blackpool to deter people from saying anything. Another idea... have you ever polled your neighbours to see if they've had any problems with her or her family?

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:39

Thinking back the first thing they said to us when we moved in, the very same day they knocked on the door to introduce themselves, and it seemed they wanted to know if we would have a problem with their kids playing football in the street.

Thinking back to the supermarket thing, it was loads of chocolate clubs and ribbon type bards she was buying and she was justifying that she needed so many as the family eat them loads. What she said to me yesterday, the first insult was about me being fat.

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MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 12:43

I don't have anything to do with people on the street, I don't even know a lot of them, people don't go in and out of each others houses much, most people work long hours, drive to and from work, park on their drives, so there is not any natural closeness, people tend to mind their own business. For example there was a canabis farm in a rented house and no one knew until the police were called by the home owner. The houses are build in such a way as they are all set apart at angles, mostly with drives, garages and bushes between, and high back fences, so there is no natural way of bumping into one another iyswim.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 12:59

OK... well the football thing was a pre-emptive question. If she's used to having people knocking on the door complaining, getting your permission was a way to head that one off before it happened. Feeling the need to justify trolley contents is because of a feeling of inferiority... thinking people are judging your behaviour. Lashing out with 'fat' (and I'm guessing she's not willowy thin) is because that's how she thinks you see her.

Tell me... are you well-spoken? Do you dress nicely? Have good manners? Drive a newish car? Any other outward signs of affluence, intelligence or (old fashioned phrase alert) 'good breeding'? I used to know someone that would get irrationally cross about anyone in the above categories, always claiming that others were being 'snooty' or looking down on her. In fact I don't think they even noticed her let alone judge. It was all her imagination.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 13:11

I am well spoken. I used to dress well, I have gotten very fat, due to various issues one being overeating, and now don't dress well as nothing fits me. I am disabled, my car is old now, we did have two flashy new cars when we moved in. I have a broken marriage, and I am a lone parent. Hardly anything to be jealous of. The only thing I can think of it that she must be annoyed that I am living in the house for free in her eyes, maybe she thinks I own all of it or something?

She must eat a lot as she is very active and she is overweight.

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GinPalace · 01/05/2012 14:26

Have you looked at the links - do you think they maybe helpful? :)

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 15:14

Thanks yes, it is the same , it makes me feel powerless and a victim allowing her carry on.

The kp secretary called, she asked if it was ok to send my details to the local police commander, so something should stop her now.

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MyNeighbourIsStrange · 01/05/2012 15:15

*mp on my mobile.

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