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Original poster

Was this 'normal'? (sex related)

21 replies

KisMittz · 01/05/2012 10:31

I am in counselling and going through some very painful things at the moment.
I don't know why I need to ask this, but it is in my head and I think getting it out will help.
I am not name changing, but am a bit fragile at the moment.

It was quite some time ago now, that I was in a 'relationship' with someone who was basically one of the most 'decent' men I had been with.
He was very intense and passionate physically, which was fine, apart from one thing, and I am sorry if this is TMI.

When I was having my period (and wearing Tampons for protection), I would tell him, but he would carry on anyway, effectively forcing it..... you know SadBlush..... so after I would have to retrieve it.

I have been in some bad places in my life and not had the greatest self esteem.
I don't know why I am asking, like I say but it keeps floating to my head and I need to deal with it. I don't like the memory, and I think it was 'weird'.
Nothing anyone says is going to change that, but I suppose if people shrug and say it's normal it will help get things into perspective.
I still don't trust my own judgement on many things.

Thank you Sad

OP posts:
Ambrosius · 01/05/2012 10:38

No, not normal I'm afraid. Being forced into anything sexual is sexual assault. Sorry :( I hope your counsellor is helping you through this (((hugs)))

Shakey1500 · 01/05/2012 10:40

No, it's not normal. Some couples like having sex when on a period but certainly not with a tampon in and certainly not forcing it. Sorry :(

lisad123 · 01/05/2012 10:43

You use the word force, you say clearly you didn't like it, and it's something you have thought about a lot. Even if it is normal for some, clearly it wasn't what you wanted and therefore is not on and is either sexual assault or rape Sad

chipsandmushypeas · 01/05/2012 10:43

Nope, not normal. I'm sure you know that though, deep down. Glad you're not with that pervert anymore, take care

sternface · 01/05/2012 10:48

You would tell him what? That you had your period and didn't want penetrative sex but he overrode your wishes and penetrated you anyway?

That my love is rape.

Or did you say yes I want to have penetrative sex, but just hang on a sec while I remove my tampon...and he penetrated you before you had the chance to?

That is rape too. Consent is in the moment. You have the right to determine when it will happen.

hairylemon · 01/05/2012 10:57

not normal no, did you tell him you didnt want to have sex and he did anyway? If so there is a word for that Angry

coppertop · 01/05/2012 11:00

No, the behaviour was not normal.

Being "very intense and passionate physically" does not excuse the behaviour at all.

Forcing anything into you without your express consent (and "consent" doesn't = not saying no or not fighting someone off) is rape.

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 01/05/2012 11:03

No not normal, I know of relationships where couples have had sex during the woman's period, but not with a tampon in, surely that carries some health risks.

If you made your viwes known and he still carried on then, yes I'm afraid it was rape.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've had such a horrible man in your life

MissKeithLemon · 01/05/2012 11:08

Kismittz, no that is not normal. Sad

Some of us people don't mind sex whilst having their period, especially if said periods are very long cos of my crappy arm implant thingy but the whole tampon in place is probably a health issue. (TSS - if I recall correctly??)

Lueji · 01/05/2012 11:12

If he didn't give you time to take the tampon out and forced it, against your wishes, it was sexual assault. Effectively rape.

No wonder you have to have counselling to deal with it.

FannyFifer · 01/05/2012 11:14

No that is not normal.

DogEared · 01/05/2012 11:15

You poor woman :( No it's not normal.

prh47bridge · 01/05/2012 11:32

Speaking as a man, I don't have a problem with sex during a period but not with a tampon in. That is very strange. And if he knew you did not consent to this it was rape.

Original poster
KisMittz · 01/05/2012 11:34
Sad

''Or did you say yes I want to have penetrative sex, but just hang on a sec while I remove my tampon...and he penetrated you before you had the chance to?''

What sternface said.

My yard stick for 'normality' is a bit skewed due to childhood abuse.
It is sadly one thing amongst far too many others that I am trying to come to terms with and work out who I am.
It is hard.

Thank you.... learning that actually I am not 'not right in the head' for being screwed up about these things is painful but valuable.
I am struggling today.

Counselling is helping but I keep avoiding going where I really need to because there is just too much, and life is challenging enough most of the time.

I feel for 'her'. Sad The girl/woman that I was. And now I don't know who I am.
I might struggle to come back to the thread today , so I am sorry for starting it and then being absent.
People's time and answers are very much appreciated. x

OP posts:
sternface · 01/05/2012 12:02

Then that was rape KisMittz and I am so, so sorry.

Can I suggest Rape Crisis in addition to your counselling?

Sadly women who were abused as children are magnets for rapists. It's not your fault and your mind is healthy. It was trying to get you to realise that you were dreadfully wronged and the insistent memories are urging you to deal with this now.

lazarusb · 01/05/2012 13:11

Any woman, previous abuse or not, would struggle to deal with this. Please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. What he did was cruel and very nasty.

Please contact Rape Crisis. You don't deserve this.

Heyyyho · 01/05/2012 13:16

Agree that is a terribly cruel and abusive thing to do.

I am so sorry it happened to you Sad

ThereGoesTheYear · 01/05/2012 13:24

I'm sorry it happened to you. It's not you that's 'not right in the head' it's the cruel and abusive bastard that even thought to do this to you.

Your yardstick for normality is skewed, but it sounds like you are starting to trust your instincts on this, otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking others' opinions what this guy did to you. I hope that you can find a way to start to talk about 'old stuff' in therapy.

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 13:28

I also hope you can talk with your counsellor about these horrible experiences, of course you are right it is not right, not ever. Do open up about it, they are there to help you.

Berts · 01/05/2012 13:36

Hi KisMittz,

You've just proved that you are far from 'not right in the head'. Your instinct was that this was not right. Your instincts were right.

You just doubted your instincts because that's something you were taught (wrongly) as a child. Something happened to you that you knew was wrong, but you were told that you were wrong instead.

I hope this thread helps you with the process of learning to trust your own instincts and to know that you have good judgement already - you are just learning to listen to it, and that's a good thing.

If you need or want ongoing support or a place to discuss the stuff you're going through, you can join this thread if you want - just jump right in at the end and say hi, you don't have to read it all unless you want.

HTH and much love,

Berts

bearbehavinbadly · 01/05/2012 17:50

sorry to hear you have low self asteem i hope you have a closefriend helping you through it,s not normal the guy you were with had no consideration for your wellbeing at all.

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