How can I get out of this relationship ?

[Totallymessedup123]

I've been married unhappily for 20 years.
we have. 4 dc 2 quite grown up and 2 younger.
We met when I was 18 .
We have been through a lot together and he loves his dc very much.
he knows I don't want to be married to him an that I am very unhappy.
my life is like this . . .
I go to work and have quite a demanding prof. Job which I mange well part time . I mange the childcare the holidays the shopping the out of school activities the house repairs the bills the debts the money the cars we buy the places we visit. basically I sort everything.
Our friends are my friends.
I like to try new things so all hobbies are initiated by me.
he has no friends what so ever. he goes no where . he sees no one except us and his work collegues. he has a good job but I actually wrote his cv and made the phone calls to get it after a lengthy discussion over what he wanted to do ! I even chose his company car .
if I go shopping he comes with me.
he hands over his salary every month. I do ask for help sorting the bills but anything he has ever taken over he then neglets to pay or embarrass me by not even telling me he hasn't paid or sorted it , so I do it myself .
he makes dinner most nights while I help with homework or read with dc or am working. he makes the sandwiches does the washing an irons clothes for next day. he spends ages in the bathroom fussing over his personal appearance but that's about all . It's like sharing my home with another woman and I know that sounds ungrateful but how nice it must be to be looked after and patted on the bum and kissed !
all my friends think he is amazing. he is very good looking . I do not find him attractive in any way because he never ever made me feel pretty or special. it's only this last 2 years that I've realised that I AM really very pretty myself. Always thought I was rather ugly because that's how he made me feel . he never wants sex . it's 2 years since we last had sex. we have never ever been out as a couple on our own. .well not for about 19 years since dc. we would if i organised it tho. i Know what we have is not normal and his parents are the same but really happy to be just companions . I'm so worried now that we have f@@@@@d up our dc by letting them see our god awful relationship and thinking it's normal or ok. we plodded along for years but the last couple the tension is awful and I don't know that I can carry on. i Ask him most days to talk about separating but he refuses. I beg him but he says I'm like a split personality and all happy one minute and desperate to separate the next. Tell him I have no choice but to act happy around the kids and that every day I would give anything to start again or find a way out. he says I won't cope but I have suddenly realised I do everything grown up anyway and I would cope. Ok I'd have to make my own dinner but there would be no arguments . I'm drinking more and more in the evenings now because I just can't face being wit him. I'm self harming and got so desperate tonight I emptied a load of pills to take. not because I wanted to die but because I wanted him to listen and thought maybe the shock or hospital staff would make him listen . he just told me to do it and do it quietly. he says I'm mad and need help because I self harm . Told him I do it because I'm so unhappy married to him but he thinks I'm just selfish and we should stay together for the dc !
Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage but I can't tell anyone how it really is. i have noone i feel i could tell this to. I'm messing up my dc and I think they would be so much better off with us separate we would be better parents I know . he is a good dad in so far as he genuinely loves them and looks after them well when I'm at work .
Is this bad enough that I pack p and move me and all dc out. we will lose our house because he would never pay the mortgage.
I'm frightened of his reaction if I serve divorce papers on him.
he will never ever sit down and discuss this like an adult I realise that now. t will always be l,e arguing with a child with him with no regard or mutual respect for me or himself or the dc.
Any advice appreciated

Oh dear, this sounds awful for you. Some couples live very happily like this, but the two of you seem fundamentally incompatible. I agree, you probably have (unwittingly) set a poor example for your elder two. It might be constructive to take action, not only for your own sake but to prompt appropriate discussion with them.

What leads you fear his reaction to divorce? What are you expecting - rage, despair, suicide? Tell us more about his response to unwanted upheavals.

I wouldn't ordinarily suggest what I'm about to. You say you have organised, choreographed and provided every aspect of his life since you got together. (That must be so wearing!) How about doing the same for your separation? Can you find, rent and equip a flat for him, set up his direct debits, pack him up and move him? Divorce may become unnecessary, at least in the short term.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I'd misread this:
got so desperate tonight I emptied a load of pills to take ... he just told me to do it and do it quietly.

This has just happened? No wonder you feel so desolate. What a horrible man - and to call you 'mad' for your self-harm, too :(

Don't hurt yourself any more, love. You deserve more happiness, not pain. You deserve to be free to express your feelings, inside and outside your relationships. I'm so sorry.

Ignore my gung-ho post above, and call Womens Aid please. They'll be very busy just now because of the football, but try them tomorrow and/or call a local centre from this page.

Also, if you're feeling hopeless this minute, ring the Samaritans. They're great listeners.

thanks for your reply.
yes I think I would def have to do all that for him.
What do I fear from his reaction? I'm not sure but he won't act like a 46 year old man I'm sure about that. he once said that he really didn't believe me and when he realised I meant it he started crying and said he'd kill himself. he won't think about the dc just himself . he would make sure the entire house knew it was me who had asked for the divorce
and that it's me separating the family and me taking daddy away etc. there will be no quiet adult reaction just a huge tantrum .
he'll prob tell the dc they will never see him again because of me ect. he has no comprehension that we could atually co parent equally he just won't listen.

I don't think he's a good dad, btw. Good fathers give a shit about their children's mother's welfare.

garlic thanks again. no I was really just being stupid and looking for a reaction . stupid stupid I know x

We've cross-posted. You're cutting him too much slack for being 'childish' when, in fact, he's something of a monster. I do feel you need expert advice. Womens Aid will be able to put his attitude in perspective for you - they won't tell you what do do! But they will help when you ask them to.

NO, sweet, you're not stupid! Being driven by despair isn't stupid ... it's terribly sad. Extreme emotion can prompt unwise actions, yes. From now on, you'll more wisely seek advice instead of turning yourself inwards. Won't you :)

You are not mad for self harming.
It's actually very common.
But please you must not let your children know of it - it can and does lead to involvement from social services .
I'm only telling you this because you need to be aware of it - it's the last thing you need .
Please do speak to a female GP, and call Women's Aid .
You are right - this relationship is very unhealthy for your mental state.
You have done well to recognise this and to want to do something about it .

You poor thing. You ask whether it is bad enough to pack up your things and move yourself and your dc out...well it certainly sounds like it. I think if hr isn't going to discuss anything with you then, as garlic says, you are just going to have to arrange all details of the separation yourself. Could you change the mortgage payments to come out of your account to make sure they get paid and get a monthly standing order to come out of his account to cover his financial commitments. He has obligations so doesn't just get to be too disorganised to assist you financially if/when you separate. You just may need to assist him in setting it up.

Please don't take an overdose or self harm to shock him into actio (or for any other reason). It is the kind of thing that could be used against you if things turn nasty.

Until you feel safe please also throw any paracetamol or opiate painkillers down the loo.

no I'm very safe please don't worry. Really I am. have the most amazing dd snuggled up in crook of my arm and would never actually do that or even contemplate doing it for attention like tonight. I need to help myself and quickly for sake of dc. need to worry less about him and remember he is 46 and actually he needs to stand up on his own 2 feet to
Divide a home to co parent is dc

Provide I meant

When you've organised his move lock, stock, and barrel don't forget his personal grooming products, the van's loaded and ready to go, and he breaks down in tears and threatens to kill himself, you'll know exactly what to say as you hand him 200 paracetamol and an 8' length of sturdy rope, won't you?

Please get yourself to your GP asap, honey. Ask for ads to take the edge of your understandable depression and despair at the thought of more years wasted in a loveless marriage, and ask to be referred for counselling.

A better life is yours for the taking - grab it while you can.

I stopped reading after 'you wrote his cv'. Then I scanned other odd words which made me more depressed (on your behalf, I hasten to add)

You are a cool person - I can tell! You don't need to be dragged down like this. Life's too short...

I hope you're managing to get some sleep. I can't add to the excellent advice here, but wanted to add my support and encouragement.

Thanks everyone. Went to sleep eventually about 3 30 . DH slept on sofa ( very odd as dd room is empty she is at Uni. ).

Pathetic bit of point-making, then. "Rejected husbands sleep on sofas" [rolleyes]

I reckon you should change your username, Totally You're not the one who is messed up!

Begged him to go again last night and he said if i make him he will turn the children against me . Hes come home tonight and acting once again like everything is rosy. He quite happily plods on like this has and will for years fully aware that i am desperately unhappy.Am seething tonight.

Emotional blackmail. That's twattery of the highest order. Does he really think he has the power to turn your children against you? Please.

Channel that seething, girl.

How old are your older two? They may well understand him better than you think. It may be worth talking to them on your own.

Stop with the begging. TELL him that your marriage is over and do as said above, sort everything out for him, arrange the lot, from arranging the moving company to packing his toiletries.

See a solicitor as soon as possible. Give him a moving out date, and refuse to listen to his emotional blackmail.

He is a shit bag, you DO deserve happiness as well. You have to make it happen though. You can do this, life will be a million times better and easier without him.

Make sure you are prepared first though, get legal advice ASAP.

What good will legal advice do ? seriioulsy in the eyes of the law he has as much right to live here as me so all I can do I think is start divorce proceedings . same conversation tonight . said I'm treating him like a dog asking him to sleep on the settee and I did feel guilty until I reminded myself he has no regard for m feelings what so ever .

Treat him like a dog. Ask him to sleep on the porch floor.

FGS, what a pile of crap Get legal advice, love - and get it from a solicitor with experience & knowledge of domestic abuse. You can find one by ringing one of your local groups from the Women's Aid website. If there is abuse, you can make him leave and stay away.

From what you've posted, I suspect you can get him away just by arranging it ... but I'd recommend talking to an expert first. If nothing else, it will help you get a true picture of your situation. You don't want to be assessing it purely on the basis of what he says, do you?!