Seeking your honest opinions - is this fixable?

[triomama]

DH and I have been married for 10 years. We have three DCs, 7, 5 and 1. For the last six months, DH has been distant, unloving and unaffectionate. He gets angry and frustrated with me easily, and says he feels trapped.

I have always given DH as much free rein as he has needed and wanted, and, tbh, that is a lot. He lives away during the week, coming home at weekends. He does very little around the house, virtually no childcare whatsoever but he works hard during the week to support us financially. I work part time too, and take care of the house and all of the childcare. It has always been that way for us, since our children were born.

Things have been very rough over the last few months and I feel like I am fighting a losing battle to hold things together. I do know that I can't hold things together on my own, and I have asked him repeatedly for reassurance which he doesn't give me.

He tells me that he blames me for having DD2, our third child, when he did not want another child. We discussed having a third child endlessly, as I was desperate and thought we had always planned on having three children. We went backwards and forwards with him agreeing one minute and disagreeing the next and I put pressure on him to agree, which he finally did. Now he tells me that it was not what he wanted, and that he can't get past that.

I have asked him why, if he felt so strongly about it, he didn't make damn sure that it didn't happen and he can't give me an answer. He clearly feels angry, but I am so surprised that he has reacted this way when DD2 is actually now here.

I have suggested counselling - he will not agree. I have suggested time away, alone, and he says he does not want that. He rejects me if I approach him, and has finally now announced that he wants to separate.

That is very much not what I want, and I have urged him to think about what he is doing. He says he does not know. He tells me that he doesn't know whether he loves me and that he doesn't think that this can be fixed. I am running out of ideas - every suggestion that I make is closed on me by him, but the thought of accepting that this is at an end is too overwhelming.

I don't know what else I can do?

He lives away during the week. How sure are you that there's not someone else?

IM very humble O, no i don't think it's fixable. if he wants to go, i think you need to let him.

this is either a case of a) he honestly does not want your DD and will make her life hell in future, b) he's just plain disengaged and doesn't care anymore, or c) there's another woman and DD's birth is being used as a smokescreen/way to blame you for that.

i actually think it is c). to be completely frank. if it were a) or b), then he would probably agree to counselling. but he hasn't.

which tells me he's got someone else waiting in the wings, and he can't see the point of putting in the work with you if he could just move straight on to another comfortable domestic situation where all his needs are met with no effort on his part. a nice smiley OW who's ever so grateful he left his wife and children for her, so she's bending over backwards to make it worth his while.

any way you slice it, it's shit, and he needs to go, and you need to let him do that i think.

He's having an affair and is looking to find some flaw in your behaviour he can blame for what he's doing. You work, look after the kids, keep on top of the housework- the only fault he can pick is that you got your own way over DC3. Even if I'm wrong and he's just genuinely not sure about your relationship, stop trying to persuade him to stay- the harder you try to hold on to him, the harder he will try to get away, so just let him go.

And don't forget to lawyer up.

So am I being naive in not thinking that he has someone else? And how would I know?

I don't think he does, but nothing would surprise me at this point.

It is just so heartbreaking thinking about the prospect of having to tell my kids that he has gone.

My husband works away in the week, so I know it can be difficult to stay connected, but honestly, everything you are saying makes me think he has moved on, or is keen to do so. Sorry. I am the first to step in and encourage people to work on relaitonships, but it has to involve both of you, and he doesn't sound committed to this at all. He has obviously decided his life is elsewhere.

However, what would annoy me in this situation, is that even if he leaves your relationship, he will still have to have a relationship with the children. Or is he planning on disappearing and not being around much at all.

I wouldn't pressure him to stay. You know you can cope on your own, as you do all week (even if you are exhausted, you will do it). I would say 'I need some time to think myself, especially as you are messing me around' and then not let him come back for a couple of weekends, meanwhile getting yourself a good lawyer.

I also don't call 'affair' that easily, but as someone else has said, it's at least a possibility. Can you get some rl support, parents, family, friends to see you through this difficult time?

This is a tricky one actually, because I know someone in a similar situation and can categorically say there was no one 'waiting in the wings'. All I can say is that if he doesn't want to help to try and fix this then you need to think about how you can manage on your own, because you deserve better than someone who is hald hearted about the relationship for whatever reason

let him tell the kids he's going. he's the one who wants to leave...

i do think you are very trusting to think there's no-one else. i hate to say this but it's vanishingly rare for a man to leave a comfortable domestic life unless he has another woman lined up to provide the same level of service to which he is accustomed.

maybe a "modern man", someone who's always pulled his own weight domestically, would do so. but not someone like your DH. he has had you wipe his arse for years, why would he start doing it himself all of a sudden?

to be fair though, OP, whether there's an OW or not is neither here nor there. he wants to go. if you manage to coerce him into not going, you will be digging your own grave, life will only become more and more hellish.

let him go, and start building a family life that's free of fear and sadness. you kids (esp DD2) will thank you for that.

I wouldn't tell them for a while after you split up, actually, as he's not there in the week anyway. It would be easy to say he'd only be home for a few hours or similar.

I agree with Fetchez - I think he's up to no good with another woman and is trying to pin the blame on you by saying it's your fault you had your third baby. He may have been ambivalent about the third child because he didn't know what the state of his relationships was like - you forced the issue (not saying you were wrong, here) and he resents it. Obviously he couldn't have been honest about it, ie "Oh don't let's have another child yet; I'm not sure whether I'm staying with you."

Do you share bank accounts? Do you ever visit him midweek?

I think the other posters have all honed in on the importance of your third child. What can you do that will be best for yourself and for your children? You can't force someone to care either about you or your children, even if, unfortunately, they are his kids too. Dunno...sounds a bit odd to me. Like other posters, would wonder if there is something else going on during the other part of his life. And/or I would wonder if there is some form of depression if he really doesn't care much about anything. However, warn caution on depression front cos often in my, not professional and not that informed experience, sometimes the depression and double life/affairs can go together. Overall advice - reiterate - look after yourself and your kids. Best of luck. x

I'm sorry. I don't think it is fixable.

I know it must be so hard to accept, but I think for your own sake and for the sake of your DC, you need to accept it and start sorting out what you need to do.

Your DH sounds like he's being very unfair but at the same time everyone has the right to leave a relationship if they want to. You can't force him to stay. If he says he wants to separate and it's over for him, and everything you say in response is shot down, then you really need to accept that this is actually happening.

As someone who has recently discovered H's affair, I would say it sounds like he has someone else.

I have read, read and read so many similar stories since.

He works away a lot, he is re-writing your marital history so he can justify to himself that things were bad in your marriage, he puts no effort into your marriage and you run around trying to make things work.

I echo the other posters, you need to look after yourself, see a lawyer, find out what you are entitled to, agree to separation and he can find himself somewhere else to live and MAKE him do w/ends with the kids - he doesn't see them w/days so he can be w/end dad.

Take the w/ends for yourself, see friends, get hair done, do all the things you have no time to do for yourself because you are busy looking after the children during the week.

This will mean 1) you get time for yourself 2) his w/ends have to be spent with kids & puts paid to love-in w/ends with OW

It's tough but you have to draw the line and look after yourself and your children. Don't beg or reason with him - you and your children are worth far more.

I agree that it sounds like there has been someone else on the scene for a little while :( It's all so 'typical' of that path.

Agree with Spree - make sure he takes the kids at weekends - this is not a free ride to singledom & freedom for him - whether he likes it or not, he has 3 children he is responsible for, you have them Monday to Friday, he can do his bit at the weekend and holidays - you know how many weeks he has, he can make sure he has the kids then.

I'm sorry you are going through this - it is really shit, proper shit, but the sooner you can get angry rather than upset the better - honest x

i'm sorry, this is all very familiar and i agree with PP's about another person in the equation. even if there wasn't aren't you worth more than this?

best of luck, whatever you decide. remember life's too short either way.

When a man says he's thinking about leaving you, the only thing to do is tell him to go and pack. Tell him that you do not want a partner who isn't utterly sure that he loves you and wants to be with you, so it's time for him to leave.

While it's possible that this will make him suddenly decide he does want to stay, let him know that he has to convince you of his commitment by treating you well. Crying and begging is never, ever going to do you any good at all. If he wants to leave, he will leave, if he's a bit ambivalent then he will settle back down and watch you scurry around frenziedly doing everything you can to please him - and he will know that should your domestic and sexual service be anything less than utterly perfect and compliant all he has to do is hint at the possiblity of him leaving you to send you into another Ideal Wifey frenzy. Don't do it to yourself. Make him go. Best of luck.

There's almost certainly someone else. The evidence will be on his phone or his laptop. I'd sneak a look if I were you because even though I agree with SGB that the best thing to do with an ambivalent man is to boot him out, at least if you find out about an affair you can reject all these witterings about your third child which are again a smokescreen for his own shitty adultery. He's trying to blame you and some women just can't seem to help accepting it and finding fault with themselves. Once you come to terms with the fact that a man can stoop so low as to blame the birth of a loved child for his inability to keep it in his pants, you'll have the necessary anger to bid him a permanent farewell.

or his secret second phone sternface

Ah yes, that too....good point.

Yup. He's got someone else. It screams of it.

Works away all week and desperately trying to place the blame on you. This has affair red flags all over the place. He has definitely got someone else and the situation is not fixable. The fact that he is blaming you for your third child shows how insensitive he is. You are better off getting rid of that bastard.

Just because he works away and there's problems does NOT mean there's someone else. FWIW I think he's telling you the truth - an extra child that he didn't want and he feels trapped.
I don't think it's fixable and I would advise you to accept it, make the best you can of it and try to part on amicable terms before you start to resent each other. I wish my ex and I had been given that advice at the time our marriage was breaking down.

I agree that there might not be another woman. It could just be that he works away, comes home to a quiet house where he can do whatever he wants, and then on the weekends goes home and suddenly has to take account of other people, their feelings and wants, and he just can't hack it. He likes his quiet weekday life and can't handle family life. It's awful, but some people don't like the 'messiness' of family life, some people are selfish and just want to be able to do what they want all the time.

I actually think a lot of people, if they weren't really keen on family life, and had a constant reminder during the week of how great they could have it if they left, would pursue separation.

I think SGB is spot on, you're not going to convince him to stay and so you should get him to pack his bags.

Yes, but he can't get out of messy family life now, can he? He's a dad to three children, and I would be making it very very clear that walking out of the relationship does not mean walking away from being a father, practically, emotionally, or financially. He will still have to come on weekends to take them out, all three of them Tough shit if he didn't want a third, he should have used contraception to prevent it (the OP says he was changing his mind a lot and she thought he'd decided yes). That's what I do as I don't want another child right now.

I have no sympathy for him really, he's let you do you all the hard work of bringing up the children, given mixed messages about a third child, and then is trying to do a runner. I wouldn't let him do a runner out of his children's lives quite that easily, although I would let him go in relationship terms.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to the OP, there was of course another woman waiting in the wings.
He wanted the tranquility of his weekday life during the weekends, but of course it didn't go to plan as he had to have the children every other weekend!

The 3rd child is a smokescreen, he just wants out!

My guess is he already wanted out when you wanted a 3rd child and that's why he didn't want another child.

You cannot hold someone who wants to leave.

It's not something he said in the heat of the moment and regrets the next minute.

He is clearly on the way out and no amount of chasing will help you.

If anything, you will just lower yourself to keep him on his terms. Not good.

Much better to cut your loses and move on.

Thank you for all your replies. I think I am slowly accepting that this is really happening. And I understand that when someone says they want to leave, the best thing to do is to let them - but that it just so hard when my kids are involved and I know that it is not right for them.

But I know I will cope on my own - in all honesty I have felt like a single mother for a very long time. It will probably just be the transition that is hardest.

And I now think that it's the time to say that if he wants to leave, he has to leave - and not come home this weekend, moping around and not being loving or nice to me, which has been the case for weeks.

I really apppreciate your honest responses. x