My relationship with my father. I'd appreciate anybody's thoughts.

[KD0706]

Ok, will try to be brief but as with all family stuff, it's complex and has been going on forever.

I was raised by dad and step mum. Step mum was unpleasant to me, threatened me, slapped me a bit, just generally not that nice. Dad was alcoholic, seemed unaware of everything.
Dad stopped drinking. A few years later he left my step mum, told me it was because he'd found out how she had been treating me. I was 16/17.

A month or so after leaving step mum my dad literally abandoned me in a cafe with a random woman. This woman explained to me that she was dads girlfriend. We never had a good relationship, probably not helped by the random method of introduction. About six months later I left home to go to university. Dad moved in with his girlfriend (now his wife). There was no room for me so I didn't return to his house during university holidays.

This was all about thirteen years ago. I used to feel so close to my dad. I cut off contact from my mum when I was 8 because he said he wanted me to. I put up with my step mums behaviour. I felt I had been loyal to him. But we have drifted apart since I went to uni.

about eight years ago dads wife decided to completely cut contact with me and the only time I spoke to him was if he snuck into the garage to call me on his mobile. We met once a year, he apparently had to sneak off to meet me because she didn't approve.
I don't think he is Being abused or manipulated by his wife. He just does what suits him.

When DD1 was born two years ago dads wife sobbed at me and said sorry for everything, she had been mentally ill and wanted to make it good and have a relationship with me. This lasted about six months.

I saw dad once last year. I had DD2 ten weeks ago. Dad has not seen her but his wife has emailed to say they may have a slot in June so might visit then.

This weekend his wife emailed me to say dad no longer has a mobile phone and they will not be answering their home phone. If I want dad I must phone wife's mobile or email her.

I don't even know what my question is. Just that I feel like not bothering to contact him at all. I'm fed up of his disinterest. I don't want to go through his wife to speak to him. If he can't be bothered to have a relationship with me and his only grandchildren it's his loss. DH thinks I should just ask my dad to see me more often. But I've done that in the past and it's had no effect. And besides what do I do? Email his wife and ask her to pass on a message asking him to care about me.

Sorry this is a bloody essay. Doubt anybody will get through it, but I feel better for writing it down!!!

He sounds like he is not worth bothering with. It's so sad that he encouraged you to cut contact with your mum when you were only 8. Have you never seen her since?

It seems to me as though your dad is weak and passive. He has continually put relationships with women ahead of his relationship with you. It's so easy from the outside looking in to say not to bother with him, I know it's harder to do this in practice. I've been gradually cutting my dad out of my life and I feel so much better for it

ok so you say your dad isn't being abused, he's just choosing the easiest way. i will take that at face value. (i know the type you're talking about i think)

honestly? i would just leave him to it.

you're a mum now, your time and energy are limited and precious. don't waste your loveliness on someone so feckless and uncaring. you have better things to do than run around after someone with an unending store of drama and excuses.

if he wants to talk to you, he can go to a pay phone or write you a letter fgs.

Just wanted you to know someone did read to the end. I no longer see my ex alcoholic father. He didn't give a stuff for any of us and treated us all very badly. I think there comes a stage where you have to accept he doesn't seem willing to change. Does it hurt you more being in contact with him or not?

I got through it with no difficulty:)

In your shoes I think I'd be inclined to just let him slip out of my life, I cant see that it will be any loss to you.
You sure as hell dont owe him a single thing!!
I have no contact with my mother,it doesnt pain me at all life is much smoother without her in it

Thank you for replying to me. And reading that essay !

I do see my mum now. We got back in contact when I was an adult. She is so supportive and involved. And I feel so so bad for what I put her through back then. And I feel so stupid for doing it for my father, who has turned out to be so shit.

I think I've just spent so much time trying to make him happy and proud of me. And it's hard to let that go.

He has zero contact with my brother and I always felt I had to make up for that. But maybe my bro has the right idea

It should be about you and what makes you happy (less miserable). What would you gain if he said he was proud? He doesn't sound like much of a judge to me!

It's great that you are in contact with your mum:) and I'm sure she knows that was all on your dads head, so you havent anything to feel bad about.

Please dont feel stupid, you were young and parents are in a position of power, it's so easy for parents to manipulate children, you just trusted your dad to do his best for you, kids dont have much choice but to do that.

He let you down, he should have provided an appropriate amount of support and care, he didnt.
It's not your fault that he let you down