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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So what's wrong with me

22 replies

Olderkidsaremine · 30/04/2012 20:32

I've been divorced for about 14 years - was left with 3 little ones, youngest has never lived with their dad! To start with I wasn't bothered about having a man about - I didn't want to get hurt, it seemed to much trouble to try and juggle kids and a man!

So fast forward about to about 5 years ago, someone made it obvious that they liked me - we met at a party - we then went out for 3 months, he said it wasn't working for him and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I found out that 3 days later he asked someone else out and has been seeing them ever since. Very fed up however thought maybe timing wasn't right and that maybe men weren't worth the hassle!

At Christmas I decided that I was fed up by myself that I should make an effort and so joined a few dating websites and agreed for a friend to pass on my phone number to someone who had expressed an interest a couple of months earlier. Its now the end of April, met the man who friend passed on my number to - he decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship, after we slept together! Met another for coffee seemed to get on ok but got the impression that his live in girlfirend wouldn't have been happy - the great thing about hindsight! And now met another apparently 'I'm good company and he enjoyed the evening' but he just wants to be friends!

Now in my head I know that its no big deal but my heart says that there are loads of people out there and how come I can't find one that likes me!!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/04/2012 21:17

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with you, honey.

The problem is that you've hooked tiddlers that are not worth landing and should have been thrown back immediately.

Dive into this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1459582-When-life-throws-you-potatoes-make-chips-Be-disappointed-but-never-defeated-Dating-thread-No-13 and take heart that you're not alone in dredging up dross

littleorno · 30/04/2012 21:33

You must be very strong to bring up 3 kids alone. I agree, nothing wrong with you. You've only tried 4 men since your divorce, there are plenty more to test out!

Original poster

Olderkidsaremine · 30/04/2012 21:56

Thanks both of you, I know that there are plenty more men out there but not many show an interest - maybe I give off the wrong vibes! Friends can't understand it they say I'm lovely.

I read the dating thread and the previous ones and everyone seems to be able to keep going and I don't know if I can be bothered! I seem so strong and all I really want is someone to take charge and like me for me and not because I'm their daughter, mother or sister!

OP posts:

lovesineffable · 30/04/2012 22:10

you are lovely:)
dating sites are full of 'fugtards'*
*fucking-ugly-retards

bearbehavinbadly · 01/05/2012 10:01

nothing wrong with you they sound like tossers anyway, you have a lot to give you raised three children, the right man will come along but mean while enjoy yourself it will happen.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 10:06

I think you will regret saying that lovesineffable. Retards is not a word to be used lightly on Mumsnet when you know damn well that it's an insult directed towards people who have special needs and/or learning difficulties.

OP, most of the men using those dating sites (and I will dare to say most here) are after quick shags and not a proper relationship. The best way to meet a new man is to find one naturally. Easier said than done I know. Focus on revitalising your social life. What are you interested in? Could you join a night class and learn a new language or skill? How about joining a book club? Many of these classes then expand into social gatherings where a few will meet in the pub and so on. By expanding your group of friends you will be constantly introduced to new people and have a much better chance of making friends with a decent man who starts off liking you for who you are.

TimeForMeAndDD · 01/05/2012 10:33

I'm on the dating thread OP and I tend to agree with TheRhubarb. After extensive research I have come to the conclusion that most of the men on dating sites are in fact after sex, no matter how much they pretty it up with a nice message or two. Of course, there are a few men who are after a relationship, so it's case of sorting the 'wheat from the chaff' and being patient, just hanging on in there until you hit upon one that floats your boat. I totally agree with expanding your social life too, something I'm hoping to do once I can leave the house without ending up looking like a drowned rat, not an ideal look for attracting men!

lovesineffable · 01/05/2012 11:40

TheRhubarb surely it is actually the case that you think I ought to regret my 'faux pas'?

Unless you can be reasonably certain that I will have cause to regret it..ie there is now a mumsnet sniper across the street from me?

'I think you will regret that' does sound sorta threatening..doncha think

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 12:06

What rhubarb means is that there is the distinct possiblity that you will get flammed for such a thoughtless comment. TBH it shouldnt matter whether or not it is mumsnet tabboo(it is) to say that, but it IS an insulting thing to say. Of course if you wont regret people thinking you are thoughtless then no, you wont regret it i guess.

In theory, dating sites are a good idea and it seems like a good way to meet people, but sadly there are going to be fuckwits in any walk of life. It is easier to disguise fuckwittery online as the subtleties with not be apparent. Also there are those predatory men (and women i guess) who just use these sites to get an easy lay.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. I am sure you are just lovely

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 12:10

Yes that is what I meant. Lovesineffable, using the term 'retard' is extremely offensive no matter which way you look at it or how it was meant. There cannot be anyone who does not know that it is a derogatory term used against people with learning difficulties and/or disabilities. And I was warning you in case you hadn't quite realised and may want to retract it before it was spotted by posters who wouldn't have bothered to explain why it was offensive to you. Trust me, posters have been torn to shreds by using terms like that, and rightly so.

How are you boring?

Sorry OP to have disrupted your thread somewhat.

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 12:12

Im well thankyou Rhubarb :)

lovesineffable · 01/05/2012 12:18

I do so hate it when people say 'will' when they ought to have said 'ought'
torn to shreds on mumsnet
what an utterly terrifying prospect...

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 12:27

lovesineffable - have you ever herad that saying: "when in a hole........."

lovesineffable · 01/05/2012 12:28

boring you are confusing me with someone who gives a fu(k....

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 12:30

Actually, I don't think i am. You come across as pretty inconsiderate so no confusion there.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 12:35

What's 'wrong' with you OP (just to drag the conversation back to the original question :) ) is that you are normal and possibly a little more together and strong than these men are expecting. The world is full of feeble, ineffectual men looking for weakling women to make themselves feel important. (I love the one checking out the possibilities with a live-in girlfriend waiting at home... 10/10 for brass neck, eh?) Faced with a confident, competant, intelligent woman many have no idea what to do except shout run away!!!! and exit stage left flapping their hand.

Don't lose heart. Good luck

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 12:37

As you can see OP, there are fuckwits in all walks of life and from both genders, so work on yourself first. Boost your own confidence with new skills and new friends. There is nothing more attractive and sexy than someone who is independent and confident.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 01/05/2012 12:45

Find a hobby. Good men hang out in hobby zones. I always meet lovely guys in Gardening Centres. I kid you not. I have also met lovely men in sewing and knitting groups and exhibitions. Join a course in anything and the decent men will be there. Try wall climbing or cycling, loads of gorgeousness floating about there. That's how my cousin met her husband, she joined a wall climbing group. He's lovely.

It stands to reason that at least a quarter of the men on dating sites are losers with no get up and go and want to meet women easily. You'll have to kiss a lot of frogs if you go down that route only.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 13:23

I have a lovely story actually. One of my best friends is a good looking single man who had a bit of a reputation when it came to girls. He would have no qualms in having one-night stands or sleeping with a woman who was attached. He didn't join any dating sites or anything like that, he didn't have to really. He was a genuinely interesting guy but a real commitment phobe. Anyway, he had a fight with another friend over a girl (surprisingly enough) which ended with this guy punching him so hard that his lens shot out of his eye. Unfortunately his other eye had suffered a degenerative disease which had left him almost without sight in it, so this accident resulted in him being more or less blind for around a year.

In that year he re-assessed his priorities. He left his job, lived with his parents for a while and then moved back into his bachelor pad. They were working frantically to save the sight in his remaining bad eye and finally after about 18 months they developed a very thick lens that he has to wear which meant that whilst his vision would never be 20:20 he could at least see.

His period of blindness had changed him. He refused to be negative, refused to be downbeat and would challenge himself constantly. He even went to Turkey with my dh for a week.

He studied teaching English as a foreign language and applied to a Russian University. Once his lens was sorted he flew out there and settled in accommodation provided by the Uni. He met another TEFL teacher, a Russian. However he had plans to spend only 18 months in Russia followed by 18 months in Vietnam. He fell in love and we all wondered what this free spirit would do. He went to Vietnam and asked his girl to go with him. She gave up her teaching job and followed him out there.

They are to be married in Georgia in 2014. He will be 40 years old this year.

So don't give up. Grab life just like he did. Challenge yourself to do things you never thought you would/could do. Because you never know what is just around the corner...

TimeForMeAndDD · 01/05/2012 13:48

Love your post TheRhubarb

Think I might take a trip to the garden centre this weekend too

Original poster

Olderkidsaremine · 01/05/2012 19:00

Hello, I think I have things in a bit more perspective today, well I don't feel quite so unloved!! I want to thank everyone for the replies and there are a few ideas I'm going to take on board and hopefully make some new friends and have some new interests! And maybe the right man will be met along the way!

OP posts:

boringnickname · 01/05/2012 20:28

I think the key is to stop looking, its a bit like the advice to couples ttc, get a dog - works every time :)

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