How do I handle this?

[noeggspleasewerebritish]

My MIL just told me that she was "interfered with" as a child. It "only" happened once and the perpetrator is long dead. I am the first person she has ever told. She didn't tell it as if it was a big deal to her - we were in a swimming pool cafe and my two boys were there - but she has a few issues with depression and anxiety and although there have been other factors triggering this I wonder whether it has affected her more than she would like to admit.

I am wondering how to deal with this information - normally I would "process" it with my dh - and that's what I want to do - but is this appropriate? She didn't ask me not to tell anyone but if she hasn't told any of her four children in nearly 40 years then ought I to respect that and keep quiet? I can't ask for advice from friends as they know her, so if anyone could advise I would be very grateful.

I don't think you should say anything. What if she told you because she trusted you and then discovered you had told others. What you say about not having told others speaks volumes.

I think you need go meet with her again, this time on your own, and ask her what she would like you to do, and how she would like you to support her.

Thank you. I am feeling really out of my depth here, and ususally when that happens I would discuss it wtih my dh. I don't like the idea of not discussing this with him - keep thinking what I would want if the situation was reversed - but I think I do need to speak with her again first. I was just so shocked - it really did come from nowhere and I wouldn't ever have expected her to confide something like that to me.

It is crappy - I really want to talk it through with someone - for her and for me, if I'm honest, but if dh is not an option I just can't go to anyone else. I think the focus on expert support is a great approach. I have felt for a long time that she would benefit from some sort of counselling to help her process other events in her life, so perhaps this just adds further weight to that opinion.

Meet/ring her again and ask if you can tell your DH...or ask her if there is someone else she would like you to explain to on her behalf.

If she says absolutely not then let her know you are always there for her to talk and confide in her too.

It's not 'crappy' I don't think. I would feel honoured that she trusted me enough to confide such a thing.

Poor lady.

What LimitedAppeal says. I can appreciate it is hard for you keeping it from your DH, but try to bear in mind that she has never told her DCs yet has finally opened up to you. She must really trust you. However, it will be hard for you to support her on your own if you can't offload. I suggest you meet again, tell her that you want to support (and maybe take the contact details of one or two groups that might be able to help her) and ask her if you can tell your DH as you feel you need some support too and that he will also be desperate to support his mum. I don't think you can break her confidence to your DH. If it was anyone else I think you probably could, but this is his mum and she may have very strong reasons not to tell him - perhaps the person was family and she wants to keep it from him? - and I think you need her permission to share it with him.

If she still doesn't want you to share and you don't think you can handle it on your own then I think you need to offload your feelings about it to somebody anonymous - a helpline or such like. She trusts you and has never felt she could trust her secret to anyone before and you have to do everything you can to hold her trust.

Same here, scared that she has finally put her trust in me and I'm not up to the job. Thank you for all your advice - will talk to her again and decide how I need to offload after that conversation.

Same here, scared that she has finally put her trust in me and I'm not up to the job. Thank you for all your advice - will talk to her again and decide how I need to offload after that conversation.

You should not tell your DH. I do not understand why some people think that if something is told to them in absolute confidence they think that does not include their DH/W. Your MIL has trusted you and must have a high regard for you. However, I do see that this knowledge is difficult for you to carry. Would go with whoever suggested that you speak to MIL and see what you can do to support her. Also, speaking anonymously to a helpline might help you deal with the situation.

The best thing to do is offload anonymously on here. My MIL has told me very personal things that I would never repeat to my husband, and whilst I often wish I could tell him, as it would give him a greater understanding of her, it would also hurt him deeply to know these things as it involves his late dad, and some things are best left unsaid.

She probably didnt ask you not to tell anyone because she trusted you not to by telling you that you were the first person who she has spoken to about it.

Take it as a huge compliment that she thinks so much about you that she is able to confide in you. :)