The abuse is still ruining my life :(

[UtterlyButterly]

I was in a very abusive relationship and he did everything you could possibly think of. I blamed myself and stayed for two years. He broke bones, raped me and hospitalized me.

Having realised that actually this wasn't my fault I finally fled.

I have since met an amazing man but I am terrified I am going to ruin things with my insecurity.

I am always thinking the worst, I am paranoid I am not good enough.
He has been amazing and supportive and as understanding as he can be.

Whilst I am waiting for counseling (one year waiting list and I have been on it longer!!) how can I try and be 'normal' and not look at the bad that could possible happen?

I do not want that man to ruin the one bit of happiness I have found since the ordeal.

If your new man is decent and if he knows anything of your past he will love you enough and have enough patience to give you the time to trust. You can't cure insecurity with pressure. There is no magic wand that can speed the process up and make you 100% confident overnight. The way forward is through being prepared to give a little of yourself a little bit at a time.... and having that love returned rather than exploited.

In the meantime, can I recommend something? Make a little time every day to tell each other what you like about each other. This does a few things. First, it helps counteract two years of extremely negative messages... very important in your situation. Second, it will confirm that you are 'good enough', you're loved and this will build your confidence. Finally, it will help him understand that, even if you're having a bad day and you're thinking the worst, you still value and appreciate him.

Good luck

How frustrating that you are still waiting over a year later.

Have you also looked into the Freedom Programme? You may be able to get onto it more quickly than your referral for individual counselling is going. It's group therapy, and can be very complementary to any individual counselling you eventually access. It's also free.

There are also books you could work through on your own while you wait for counselling, for example It's my life now

Thank you so much for your replies.

I am definatley going to look into the freedom programme, and i love the idea of telling each other things that we like about each other.

I accept that its a process that will take a while. I don't want to rush any healing process I have to go through.

Can anybody recommend any other books for dealing with life afterwards?

The freedom programme sounds like it would definitely help you.

I think in a relationship after abuse you need to take it very slowly and one step at a time. Try to keep the insecurity under control, but don't ignore any gut feelings that something is wrong. Talk about how you're feeling with your partner. Learn about red flags, and signs of a healthy relationship.

I don't know of books specifically but www.baggagereclaim.co.uk is really good, it's a blog and has loads of articles about healthy relationships.

If you have had a recent (or mainly) unhealthy relationships, it can take some extra awareness in forming new relationships. One important thing you can do is is develop a healthy relationship with yourself. After, all its the only life-long relationship you will have.

It may sound glib - but love yourself, care for yourself, as you would a really good friend who you like and respect and want the best for. Would you want that loveable person to be treated unfairly or badly? Would you want to protect her and stand up for her personal rights? Would you take pleasure in and enjoy her company?

Power and Control - Why Charming Men make Dangerous Lovers

WHY DOES HE DO THAT - by Lundy Bancroft

These are 2 excellent books that will really help you see that this was something that someone did TO you, for his own reasons, and not that you deserved it. It will lift all the blame and guilt you are buckling under.

The Freedom Programme is AWESOME, it's free. Contact your local WA about getting on , or just google the Programme and they should be able to give you details about where to find out about how to get on the programme. WA may know of local DV support groups near you. I'm in Hampshire, there are 3 near me, I'm lucky. Don't give up until you find some local RL support. Group support is a really great resource. You don't have to speak to begin with. Just listen. Your time will come.

Basically, until you deal with the issues/memories/events you have, they will remain with you. There was a woman that (apparently) attended the group after 27 years of being OUT. She'd never dealt with the stuff she had gone through.

The good thing is, that the MORE you do to recover, the faster your recovery can move, the stronger you will be.

I find posting on here, helping others, really helps ME see things differently, and helps me understand MY situation better. I attend group as often as work permits, I have done the FP, and I pay for a therapist.

There is a great thread on here the EA Support Thread. Pop along there and read all the links at the top of the thread, post and say hi and ask whatever you need, support? questions? opinions, whatever you need to say.

You are not alone in this now. You are well on your way to getting the REAL YOU back!