Someone SLAP me

[littlelife]

I am finding it hard to be satisfied in bed with DP, he is quite old fashioned and prone to calling anything other than missionary position perverse.

I have been confiding in an old friend about this, it started out subtle and it's now all got a bit over the line, swapping fantasies via text message and tormenting myself because it really appeals to me the idea of being with someone who is just that bit more sexual.

My dp is a good guy, he is attractive we have a good life together, I've been open with him about not being entirely satisfied in bed and I am worried about spending my fertile years with someone who is lazy & un-enthused in bed.

I need to stop this ridiculous texting because a) I will never meet up with this old friend. I just wouldn't so there's nowhere to go from here
b)I would hate to hurt my DP

It's just hard to think I'm the kind of person that would consider ending a perfectly loving relationship because I feel unsatisfied in bed, it's only one aspect right? And it's not the be all and end all, it's just that we haven't had children yet and I'm worried that I will end up with a sexless life especially after babies.

Please wise ladies of MN is it possible to get it back?

If sex is important to you, it's important. No getting away from it. If it's not just that the sex is boring but that your DP lacks passion, affection or isn't tactile more generally, then that can really impact on a relationship negatively. You either give him a chance to read up on the Kama Sutra and find his mojo or you cut your losses, accept you're incompatible and seek the sexual excitement you're getting from your sexy texter elsewhere. Don't just stay with someone because they happen to be sitting in the right chair when the music stops in your fertile years... that definitely would be a mistake.

Thanks Cogito, for your un-judgemental post, as far as I know I am doing something very wrong right now with the texting (because if he found out he would be so hurt) but that's a good point about not just staying with someone because they happen to be sitting in the right chair when the music stops in your fertile years... that definitely would be a mistake.

Thank you I have a lot of thinking to do

I think discussing your dissatisfaction with another person shows that this isn't the relationship for you. If I was your dp I would find it disrespectful and I think symptomatic of a lack of respect that you feel for him.

How long have you been with your dp? How old are you? I think the relationship may have run it's course, incompatibility at this stage (and the lack of communication about it) suggests that you may not be right for each other. He maybe a lovely guy, you maybe a lovely person but you could be wrong for each other.

Yes that's true Smum99, I would hate to think I disrespect him in any way, I need to look at that, I like to think of myself as a kind person but my behaviour is really very unkind, but I feel trapped because even if I really explicitly tell him and show him what I want (which to be honest is just to go back to how we were when we first met) he just responds by doing nothing, it's like he isn't that interested in sex whereas I need it (Not to an extreme degree) but just what I consider, normal human.

We have been together for 3 years, I am quite a bit younger than him.

I'm not at the, 'giving up' stage yet, I want to do something constructive to sort this out.

Because I'd hate to throw all that we have away to enter in to a relationship which 3 years down the line also loses its spark, I suppose I'm just wondering if it's normal for the sexual spark to go.

It's common for the spark to go but it's not necessarily normal. Speaking personally, having been with the same man now for getting on for 13 years I can tell you that we're still finding out new things about each other sexually. And that's a couple of chubby middle-aged slow-pokes....not young people just entering their fertile years. :)

The trouble with repressed or sexually unadventurous types is that suggestions of therapy or outside help will sound like the most embarrassing form of intrusion and you could waste a lot of time if he doesn't see it as a problem or finds it difficult to change. If he's not lighting your candle - or you're not lighting his, consider that - don't stick with each other just to be kind.