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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i being ridiculous about this ring...

22 replies

Fooso · 30/04/2012 12:26

background: I've been with my DP for nearly 3 years. I have a son and when his ex became ill (due to alcohol abuse) his 2 daughters moved in with us about a year ago. We all get on well - We live in my house and he pays half of everything. We've both been married before and divorced. I know that he is reluctant to get married and he will if I really want to. I have been saying that a ring would still be nice - a sign of commitment etc. Anyway we went shopping on sat and we went into a jewellers and he bought me a diamond ring! I was really chuffed. On Sunday we had a christening and I was so happy I told a few people, friends, that he had and then had to quickly follow up with "we are not getting married though!" he was quite ashen at one point as people were assuming that we were. A few glasses of wine later when we got home we ended up rowing as i was saying "well why doesn't it mean anything?, you should want to marry me!" He said "I bought you the ring cos I wanted to - i dont see why marriage is being discussed". I know I should be grateful but I wish he hadn't got it now - I was embarrassed that I had to point out it wasn't more than a gift. The thing is I don't know if want to get married I guess its more why doesnt he! He married his awful ex. Would you be bothered? should I just accept what it is - a diamond ring - and be grateful? Am I being a neurotic, hormonal woman (I think I may have hit the menopause btw..)

OP posts:

Teeb · 30/04/2012 12:28

I can understand why he doesn't want to get married really. Once bitten twice shy. He now knows that marriage vows are meaningless, because he has said them once before and they didn't last.

AprilLilacs · 30/04/2012 12:29

But it was more than a gift - it was a sign of commitment, you said you wanted a ring in that capacity? Or did he say it was 'just a gift'?

It sounds a bit like you said okay, we won't get married but I'd like a ring as a sign of commitment, he got you a ring and now you're saying it should be the precursor to getting married. Which is U.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2012 12:32

But why did he chose a diamond ring, ie a ring that would be easily confused with an engagement ring! And how embarrassing for you!

MissFaversham · 30/04/2012 12:35

I have just been through the same sort of situation, me wanting to get engaged after being together 3 years as a "commitment". DP not having any of it as just recently got divorced. It did upset me a bit at first but I can sort of see why.

The way I see it now is we're not planning to have kids (I'm probably roughly the same age as you) so what's the rush.

If you're both happy just put it all to one side for a while bide your time

Original poster

Fooso · 30/04/2012 12:39

Thanks for replying. Deep down I know I am being unreasonable. I think i was fine until everyone started commenting - I shouldnt have mentioned it to anyone I guess - but it was such a nice thing for him to do (and he's very careful with his money usually and jokingly asked for a glass of water in the shop though it wasn't that expensive). I think it's that all his friends, that I'm now friends with, are married (have been for years) and we're the only couple not - maybe I got caught up in that and forgot about what it was bought for - which has he said "shows we're together"...

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 30/04/2012 12:47

Anyway, think yourself lucky Fooso, mine won't even get a ring yet

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2012 12:52

Why buy you such a ring if he does not ultimately want to marry you?.

What is your future if one day you split?. Being unmarried does not involve divorcing but he should realise that cohabitation splits can be very messy indeed as well as painful emotionally. Being unmarried too puts you in a very poor legal position. In law you are regarded as two separate individuals who are no relation to each other.

What does your son and his daughters say about this ring, did they assume that marriage was going to happen?.

TooEasilyTempted · 30/04/2012 13:03

Did he choose the ring or did you?

ErikNorseman · 30/04/2012 13:06

Well a ring isn't really a sign of commitment or togetherness unless it's an engagement or wedding ring. He should have bought you some earrings if he wanted to be unambiguous. A diamond ring is a loaded symbol and even more so if it's a 'sign of commitment'
Enjoy the ring and if anyone assumes it's an engagement ring just laugh it off. I assume you weren't wearing it on your wedding finger?
Storm in a teacup but I can see how you were both embarrassed by it. If he doesn't want to get engaged/married now that's his right.

Hassled · 30/04/2012 13:12

I think you're in a state solely because of the embarrassment of Sunday. the reality is:

He bought you a nice ring
You're happy together
You don't even know if you really want to get married.

So step back a little bit and just focus on that stuff. If you hadn't happened to be around a bunch of people the day after the ring purchase you'd be happy as Larry now.

Birdsgottafly · 30/04/2012 13:34

What he has given you is a promise ring, this custom is older than giving wedding/engagement rings.

You need to rationalise this out and discuss it with him.

You don't have to justify your status to anyone, it is how you are together that matters. It couldn't have been easy when his ex hit rock bottom. You are all as much of a unit as any married couple.

There are points that need clarifying but i beleive the saying 'if it aint broke don't fix it'.

Original poster

Fooso · 30/04/2012 15:48

thank you all for your views its really helped. Tooeasilytempted, I picked it and was planning on wearing it on my left hand/third finger as I'm a leftie and I don't wear jewellry on my right hand. I didn't think it would be a problem - but I think it will to other people. I think I may change that now though and wear it on my right..

OP posts:

garlicnutter · 30/04/2012 17:24

Make your own mind up on which hand to wear it, Fooso. I wear rings willy-nilly and nobody says anything. Also, I was well shocked after I got engaged, that the diamond ring on my 'wedding' finger seemed to attract more chancers! It was amusing to see Carrie in Homeland tell a guy she picked up that she wore a wedding ring for that very reason (She wanted casual flings that were guaranteed to stay casual.)

Look at this. My fiance got my engagement ring under duress. To him, it was an aggravating term of my commitment. What I really wanted, of course, was what you got - a visible & freely given token of love.

He must have been quite upset after your outburst. You did give him conflicting messages: most likely due to your friends' thoughtless comments. Some bits of your post make it sounds as though you are, in fact, desperate to get him married. That could be just a reaction to your friends - but, if not, it might be wise to look at how much respect you have for his feelings?

lisaro · 30/04/2012 17:37

Honestly? It sounds like you tried to get engaged by 'stealth'. You know YABU. He's not proposed - you're not engaged, BUT you asked for a ring as a sign of commitment - you picked what sounded like an engagement ring, will wear it on the significant finger, then start telling people after a few drinks. It sounds like you've conned him into something that he had no idea of. I know this will seem harsh to some people but this it how it looks. You'll scare him off, Fooso, back off.

TooEasilyTempted · 30/04/2012 17:48

So even though he's told you he doesn't want to get married you've chosen a diamond engagement ring lookalike, wore it on your engagement finger, made a point of telling people about the ring and showing people the ring at the christening and you wonder why they assumed it was an engagement ring and you're embarrassed that you've had to explain that it's not

I'm afraid I can totally see where your DP is coming from and why he was upset.

I think you should definitely consider wearing it on a different finger if you want to avoid any future misunderstandings.

bearbehavinbadly · 30/04/2012 17:58

if your not geting married i,d wear the ring on a different finger people will make this mistake again and again.

Beaverfeaver · 30/04/2012 19:11

My H2B bought me a commitment half eternity sapphire/diamond ring about 6 years ago.

As much as I would have loved to have been engaged I wasn't and wouldn't have dreamt of wearing it on my left hand, mainly to not cause embarrassment to him or me.

We have now been engaged almost 2 years and I have a ring for both hands which is loveley.

Can't wait to get another when we wed.

I just lurve sparkly stuff !

SimoneD · 30/04/2012 19:20

Mmmm, have to agree with TooEasilytempted. Makes you look a bit like a bunny boiler if he's told you he doesnt want to get married, you choose a diamond ring then wear it on your engagement finger. Then proceed to show all his friends.
Im not surprised he freaked out a bit

piellabakewell · 30/04/2012 19:22

I wear a Russian wedding ring on my wedding finger. DP wanted to get me a diamond-set eternity ring but I had a silver ring in a similar design to this one and so I chose this instead (intertwined bands of white gold, rose gold and yellow gold). Maybe it helps that I know exactly what the ring means and our future plans are absolutely clear...we have agreed never to get married (been there, done that) and plan to buy a house together next year. We do not live together at present.

To me, the ring means 'I love you, you mean the world to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you". I know that this is exactly what it means, for that is what DP says to me, all the time.

DP had a ring that his mother gave him for his 40th, he now wears it on his wedding finger.

Try to accept your ring in the spirit in which it was given...he loves you and wants to show you :)

Original poster

Fooso · 01/05/2012 10:45

just want to clarify - I wasn't wearing the ring - and I told one friend at the christening that he'd bought me a ring. I can assure I would not try to get engaged by "stealth". I chose the design of the ring cos I liked it not because I wanted to pretend to be engaged. Thanks Piellabakewell I will wear it on whichever finger it fits and remember why he bought it for me

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 01/05/2012 11:08

I agree with lisaro, though if you say that's not what was meant, fair enough I guess. Basically you ask him to buy a ring (wouldn't it have been more meaningful if he'd done that on his own initiative?), then you place it on your engagement ring finger, then, totally unsurprisingly, people think you're engaged...

I don't understand your actions at all tbh but now that you have the ring, just wear it on the other hand....

Helltotheno · 01/05/2012 11:13

Oh I see now that you just told people about the ring. So the ring he bought you wasn't an engagement ring but you told people, who being people, assumed it was, otherwise why would you be telling them about a random piece of jewelry he bought you?

Anyway looking at your situation above, I'd say keep things the way they are and don't bother about marriage. You own the house, don't change the status quo.

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