I've made a horrible mistake..... or have I?

[Fiddlestix]

I was in a marriage for 7 years and my husband at the time (now ex) walked out on me to go back to an ex he had before me. I have a 9 yr old dd from a previous relationship. He raised dd as his own but when he left he left without keeping any contact with her. He also left me with a huge amount of debt causing me to have to sell our home, downsize and pay off the debts.

For a while I was on my own and I slowly rebuilt my life for me and dd. I got a new job (hated my old one), met some new people and managed to get myself out of debt. I began to have a casual relationship with a man I worked with in my previous job. He never met dd but would stay round every weekend and come over during the week when dd was in bed (we also went on dates / spoke everyday, wasn't always about sex, sometimes we didn't have sex at all) and I considered him to be my best friend. After a while of this - 6 months, and 6 months of being close friends before this- he decided to go travelling and I called it a day as I was falling for him and he kept telling me he wasn't looking for anything serious whilst hinting that he was. So I blocked him on facebook, actually moved house while he was travelling so he doesn't have my new address and set up a new email account. He was left with just my mobile number.

I went into a deep depression and I realised that I was actually in love with this man like I had never loved anyone else, not even my ex husband or dd's dad (both longer term relationships).

Whilst this man was away, I decided enough was enough and I had to move on so I began going out and meeting new people and I met my now husband.

After a while, my ex returned from travelling and got in touch and tried to ring me. I didn't answer the phone and he texted instead and we exchanged a few texts. He asked how I was and what I had been doing. I explained that I now had a new boyfriend. I didn't hear from him again as I then (within a few days) got a new mobile with a new number. Dh doesn't know that my ex contacted me.

My now dh and I got married this year and I am pregnant (planned), due in a few weeks time. I don't know what's going on in my head or whether it's just hormones but I just don't feel settled.

In some ways I feel like I just want to be on my own again. I appreciate that sounds horrible. I think he knows I'm not happy as he keeps asking me whether I'm happy and seems really worried and of course I say I am. But I'm not, not really.

I feel really claustrophobic being married again. I don't like having to make decisions with someone else and I've completely lost my sex drive. I have had periods of having a high sex drive but only in my shorter term relationships. When I am with someone longer than a year I get to a point where I really couldn't be bothered if I never have sex again, it's just so boring, sorry but that's how I feel. I just have no interest whatsoever.

I have struggled with the logistics of keeping contact between dd and her real father for so many years and I don't want to have another however many years of doing it with another child - ds and dh. It's gone through my head that if I have the baby in another area and register the birth without dh knowing then I could disappear and he'd never be able to find me and I could start my life again. Then I swing the other way and think actually I'll just have the baby, dh can have him and I'll leave with dd as I feel dd is my real family and dh and the baby are separate. But I know that would kill dd as she is very excited to be having a sibling at last.

I really don't know what to do. I've made such a mess of everything. And then part of me thinking you stupid woman, you're just hormonal, everything's fine and you can have a happy family. Just get through this bit.

Part of my problem is that I am still living in the same small village as my ex and I often see him when I am out and about in the shops etc. I've actually stopped going out in my local town at all now for this reason- we never talk to each other, just exchange a look if we walk past each other in the street etc but it's so hard for me to move on like this. I don't know if we could move elsewhere as dd is really settled into her school and with her friends. I couldn't do that to her but at the same time it's like being a prisoner in my own home and I can't go anywhere unless I drive there, away from the local area. When the baby is due I don't feel I can walk to my local shops for this reason.

I just don't know how to make this any better. I know I'm a horrible person. I thought I was doing the right thing but I've just trapped myself. I feel like I have no choice but to put on a brave face and carry on for the next 20 odd years for the sake of the children.

Thank you rasputin. I am sitting here in tears because I just feel so awful about everything and everything you had said in your post is so true. :(

It's a good point about the cutting off contact with the travelling guy... I did it because I recognised that I could have a better future - and dd could have a better future - with my dh than with this guy. My ex was a really bad catch in many ways. Very selfish, inconsiderate, was in with a bad crowd and easily swayed. Of course I was quite naive and thought maybe I could change him - but I came to the realisation that maybe I couldn't. Thing is it's not easy switching your feelings off... So when I met my now dh he was everything my ex wasn't. But along with this comes his own issues, he's very insecure, he's quite a demanding partner (not in a controlling sense but just in that he always wants to be around me all the time, wants to go to bed at the same time as me, wants constant talking etc whereas I enjoy my space and peace and quiet...) I find some of these things really difficult... Esp coming from a very separate previous marriage where husband and I would do our own thing a lot and then my casual relationship.

I am just so scared of the future. I suddenly feel really old (in my early 30s!) and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to be "me" again. I know what it's like to have a newborn and the demands of a baby and not sleeping etc. I feel like I have been handed a death sentence. Of course I can't tell dh that.

There are lots of good things about dh - he is kind and considerate towards me and dd, he always helps around the house, does his share of everything (a problem I had with my ex husband), he shares every penny he earns with me jointly, he doesn't drink or go out all the time in fact never unless its with work.. Sometimes I wish he would!!

On the downside I do find him very intense.. I feel like if I'm having a quiet time he's always questioning what's wrong - sometimes I'm just quiet! And I miss going to bed on my own and waking up when I want like when dd is at her dads, without dh waking me up even unintentionally when he's leaving for work. I miss being able to eat what I want when I want without having to ask what he wants as well and making compromises - nothing more than a normal relationship really but I find it so exhausting.

I miss my freedom. I miss being able to think "it's dd's half term soon, maybe I can take her away somewhere" without thinking dh won't be able to have time off and I can't go without him... I miss the spontaneous me. Everything has to be planned and premedicated. This is what scares me about the baby too.

Maybe I am just a pregnant hormonal so and so. :(

Maybe you think you picked your DH for the wrong reasons? For who he wasn't rather than for who he was. Rebounding both from your nasty ex and Mr Ideal Traveller by plumping for the next half-decent bloke that came down the pipe and seeing his clinginess as a nice change from abuse or lack of commitment. Did you live together with your DH for long before getting married and having children? To me it all sounds rather rushed and, now that the love of your life is back in touch, you're having second-thoughts. Don't know what to advise except that it's probably nothing to do with hormones.

Thanks Cogito... That's what worries me.. But saying that dh and I did live together before we married (the getting married bit is only very recent) and I'm not in touch with the ex now - that was over 2 years ago (the time me and dh have been together).. So it's not like it's just happened now.. I suppose I just thought I could let it go and get on with things but I can't seem to stop thinking what if all the time.. Even though in reality my ex and I haven't been in touch for years now at all.

You're right, maybe I did pick him for who he wasn't rather than who he was... But part of me wants to think that's enough. I suppose I'm also struggling with the whole "finding a long term partner as attractive as the beginning" thing... I can't seem to ever maintain that and I wonder if that's normal or whether there's something wrong with me. I have no idea.

In some ways I feel like I don't know how to have a "normal" relationship. None of my relationships have ever been normal. And in some ways I feel really stagnant living like this where there is no element of "what happens next" and yet I know others love stability like this. I don't know what I want. I just want it all to go away.

Bless, Fiddlestix, you're in a pickle. I'm pregnant too and I can tell you that some of this is definitely hormones. I love my partner to bits and as soon as pregnant, I question whether every-thing is right!

There's been a lot of drama throughout the last few years though and in a weird way I'm wondering if you get bored when life seems to be more plain sailing. Personally I would advise being clear about your feelings by exploring them and your familial past with a counsellor of some sort.

Also, what's the harm in letting your current husband know how you're feeling. He obviously knows you're very anxious in lots of ways and it may stop the clingy behaviour. Sounds as though he's not particularly grown up if Im honest from what you say and your subconscious may be flagging up a few issues. If you can both evolve together and change to become something you both want, it may work out. Reinvent yourselves!

I think the travelling bloke is just highlighting that the relationship you're in isn't perfect and will leave you vulnerable. Only you can tell if it's worth re-igniting but out of the frying pan and into the fire springs to mind until you're sure of what you want. In the mean time keep him as a friend and try to get back in touch with who you really are.

Feel for you, elements of your story are familiar to me.xx

I second Rasputin, it's really the kids that need stability and to learn about solid love. If he'll be a good father then find out what makes you both tick and happy and go for it!

I disagree - I think it has everything to do with hormones, in that you are probably experiencing a very heightened version of what you would be feeling if you weren't pregnant. I'm 30weeks pg myself so I know what it's like!!

Be very, very careful of wishing away what you have for a fantasy. I don't think you are a horrible person but you sound like you are very fearful of the unknown - being in a relationship and having a baby together is a big deal. Last time you were here it didn't work out with your DD's dad, and that has to be scary. Sometimes self-sabotage can seem like a better option than feeling like you're waiting for it to all go wrong.

I would put traveller guy out of the equation altogether. He isn't who you think he is, he's not even who you want him to be. He's a convenient clothes horse to hang a dream onto right now because you don't actually know him any morel. If you spent time with him reality would bring those dreams crashing down around you and you would feel much, much worse. Try and take a step back. You are entering a period of hard work, both for your relationship with your DH, your DD and getting to know your new DS. The fantasy of 'lost love' is just that - a fantasy. It's a happy distraction from something you are feeling anxious about.

But fear is not based on fact. You don't know what is going to happen when this baby comes. You don't know how your DH will react to the baby, or you, or what kind of baby your DS will be. Right now you have a loving and attentive partner, and a (by the sounds of it) pretty nice life. You also have some unresolved anxieties. But feelings aren't facts either. Just because you feel conflicted and like this ex was the one that got away, it's not a fact. Feelings can (and frequently do) change.

Love is something you do - not something you just feel. If I were you I would spend be spending a great deal more energy on doing things that express my love and gratitude for the life I have instead of spending all that energy wishing for a life that doesn't exist. The more you put into your own relationships the more rewarding they will be. I know it's hard, but I am sure you can turn this around and feel good about where you are. It just means you have to look in a different direction - to the future you have, not the past you're romanticising.

I hope that all makes sense and doesn't sound like I'm having a go, you're not a bad person at all, just confused and a bit scared probably. Those feelings won't last forever though, I am certain of it.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry it's taken me a few days to come back to this, been thinking about everything really.

chocoraisin, you're right. I don't even know the traveller guy anymore, no contact for years since that time he came back from travelling. We aren't the same people and I recognise (and wouldn't want to) go back to that. I think the thing I am struggling with is that in that short time I was with him I felt very much "in love". Something I hadn't had before. And I suppose now I know it's possible to feel that way, and I'm trying to feel that way this time but I don't know if I do. Or whether I do but i'm just depressed at the moment with everything. I'm really confused.

Thank you re the other replies. My dh is insecure because his previous long term relationship left him for someone else after several years together (much the same as my own experiences I guess but no children involved, he was at university at the time, several years ago now - he is younger than I am by 7 years). He has taken it worse than me I think. I was already "out of love" with my ex husband by the time he left so I can rationalise it by just thinking we were growing apart. However, for dh he thought everything in his relationship was fine and then he found out she was leaving him and had been cheating on him.

His insecurity comes out through always asking me if I'm happy, if I'm okay, very regular texting all day even though he's at work (he can text from work), maybe this is normal behaviour in a relationship but to me sometimes I just feel I have no time just to "be".

I've learnt to be very self sufficient over the years and I've got to a point where I actually don't "need" anyone. Dh finds this hard to understand as he is quite a needy person by his own admission.

I'm just beginning to feel that I don't have anything in common with dh apart from our family values. I'm not really interested in any of the things he's interested in. I'm getting to the point now where I actually dread him having a day off work as I feel under pressure to try and make conversation with him all day (otherwise he gets all worried something is wrong) and I'm just worn out with it all.

I have no desire to have sex at all and I think dh is realising this and it's putting a strain on things. Until recently I have been having sex because it keeps the peace (he thinks I'm really up for it, he has no idea how I feel about it) but I just can't be bothered anymore. I don't see how this can be rectified. I would be happy never to have sex ever again, whereas for him sex is a very important part of the relationship. I could have sex more than I want and him less than he wants but this is a compromise isn't it. Neither of us is going to be happy with this. This may be a deal breaker in itself.

I find myself wanting to be on my own more and more. I don't really have any desire to be part of a relationship. I find it all just too much in terms of energy, compromise and the need to make someone else happy. I just want to make myself happy. Like tonight for example, I have agreed to go out with dh for dinner to try and "reconnect" but I just can't be bothered, I'm not interested. I would much rather be at home on my own watching whatever I like on tv and going to bed whenever I feel like it without having to worry I've upset someone else or been selfish. I've just had enough.

I know a lot of this is me. I don't have any real life friends by choice and I'm not interested in making any. I'm quite anti social and I don't like making conversation with people - apart from on here as it's easy to chat and log out, there's nothing expected of me in terms of time or input required. I'm good with my dd and I'm sure ds will have a happy childhood being with me or / and dh but I don't have the same desire for companionship that others seem to have, except for this 6 month period when I was quite vulnerable and saw the traveller guy. But that was only for a few nights a week, not the same as having someone around all the time.

I suppose more than anything I just wonder if it's "normal" to be like me, to not be particularly bothered about having other people in your life. I have learnt to be dependent on myself and do everything for myself and dd and I really don't see the point in leaning on anyone else emotionally or practically. I don't get any joy from it.

The things that do make me happy are simple things like decorating the house how I want (again now I have to compromise because everything is a decision made with dh), watching whatever I like on tv whenever I want to, cooking whatever I like without having to consult with anyone else what they fancy too, doing whatever I like and coming back when I want to without anyone else worrying about me (like going to the beach for the whole day on my own).

But I appreciate all this makes me sound absolutely horrible in the sense that dh hasn't actually "done" anything wrong. I just feel like my life doesn't fit me anymore. I suppose what I will have to do is wait until after I've had the baby and see how things feel then. Maybe some of it will lift, I really don't know.

I do think some of this is hormones, in that it does heighten your feelings, I found I was both depressed and anxious before the birth of my first, I would try not to make any rash decisions at this point. You do sound a bit down, actually, everything is catastrophic, will never change (e.g. your desire for sex). You can have pre-natal depression as well as post-natal, might be worth talking with your midwife.

I think you have had good advice about the first travelling guy, put him out of your mind as he's really your escape fantasy.

I wanted to say a bit more though, about feeling suffocated. I can very much relate to this, I have always found relationships a bit intense, and I understand that desire to wake up on your own, just make decisions on your own. However, again, I do wonder if you are idealising just how great it was on your own, as clearly during this single time you did meet someone else and have a baby with them. I felt similarly conflicted, on the one hand wanting to be 'free' but at the same time wanting that intimacy a relationship can bring. The solution for me is to have lots and lots of free time and not being shy about asking for it. In my case, my husband works away some of the time and this gives me plenty of my own space, I wonder if you need to be a bit more direct with your partner about this too? I also think once the baby is born, you can get him to take the children out to give you some space, it won't be little babies for ever.

You WILL be you again, not in those first few months perhaps, but you are still in there.

I really might talk with the midwife about how you are feeling, although I totally accept that you may have genuine issues about this relationship, I do think some of the extremeness of it, and the very black and white thinking is driven by hormones. Hope it works out for you.

We could all hanker over past loves and what may or may not have been.

You have a dd who has been through two break ups so far. I think it would be irresponsible and damaging to her to give up on this relationship.

Unless you feel - and honestly only you can answer this, no-one else however much you garner opinion - deep down inside that your dh is wrong for you and you cannot be happy you need to stop thinking the grass is greener and wake up to the fact no-one is running through meadows all the time.

See the positives and make peace with your decision.

When children are involved I vehemently disagree with people who say 'life is too short' to settle for anything less than 'true love' and wall to wall happiness.

I think the pregnancy must be making all of this much harder - it's totally normal to feel wobbly about stuff when you're both stuffed full of hormones and on the brink of a big life change. Please try to remember that while you're working through these feelings.

Would it make you feel better if you could arrange some alone time for yourself on a regular basis? I mean, I am happily married but on the few occasions H is away, I certainly enjoy cooking what I fancy and having control of the remote. Sometimes he'll be here and I will clear off into another room, saying I could do with some time alone with my own thoughts. If I wanted to spend the day at the beach on my own, and didn't know exactly when I'd be back, I'd tell him so and ask him to sort himself out for supper so that I could just wend my way back whenever. Similarly, I've gone on weekends away without him before, and when D is a bit older I expect I'll take her off for some mother-daughter time - my mum and I did that quite a lot when I was growing up. Needing a bit of space is perfectly reasonable, really, and I've found that when the pressure to always be together is taken off, I enjoy being with H much more! I think you should express this to him, not saying "I don't want to be with you" but more "I feel like I sometimes need time to myself, going off for the day or just taking myself out to lunch - I hope you understand that it's just my need for alone time".

If you feel claustrophobic, it can make you want to run away from the relationship altogether. But you might be able to make your own space without having to do that. Have you talked to your DH about this at all? I'd take your time and find the right words, so as not to hurt him, but alone time really is a reasonable need and I think you might feel better if you express it. Sure, in a relationship you do things together, but it doesn't have to be everything all the time.

There's nothing wrong with being a free spirit, plenty of people are- I definitely
am but am with some-one who is secure enough in themselves to encourage me to just be who I want to. Ideally if you're free-spirted and a bit of a loner you'll marry some-one who loves you for being you and doesn't try to change you.

I think your partner's insecurity fuels his sex drive which probably pours water all over yours.

Relate- for communication else you're going to find this problem coming back to haunt you with every new relationship if you step away from this one.

I had a love for 6 years whom I'd have gone to the moon for and was the only man Ive ever really felt in love with totally( moved around a lot and played very hard to get) Recently after being pregnant with my second child with my now different and very lovely man I realised I loved the dream and in reality he couldn't give me what I have now- a stable home for my children and a really GOOD man.

Its amazing how very small changes in your relationship can help that "in love" feeling come back.