how would you have responded to this?

[keepcalmandpokeeyes]

MIL is visiting and while having food over at our house with me and DH and one of her other sons she said 'I've brought up my sons well, too well, they are too nice to their women'.

My response was to just say nothing - as did everyone else.

I feel pissed off by it though.

"I don't think anyone can be too nice to their partner, do you?"

Of course what she means is that she thinks her sons are letting their female partners walk all over them. Did she catch him doing something 'un-manly' like ironing or washing up perhaps? My DM says something similar about my DB and the way ... 'the minute he walks through the door she just dumps that baby on him'. The fact that my DB is totally besotted with his son and is just being a good Dad has nothing to do with it, of course?

Try to see her as 'quaint, old-fashioned and barmy' rather than being pissed off.

i generally find 'Ah well' covers everything or what about a disinterested 'That's nice dear' that I saw on that putdowns tread recently.

"would you prefer they were sexist wife-batterers who had no part in their children's upbringing?" < sweet smile >

better still, ignore the silly woman

I don't think she's barmy. I am trying so hard not to feel negative about her but it has pissed me off because I know she knows more than I thought she did about problems DH and I were having - including that we were thinking of going to counselling.

It's made me wonder exactly what she's been told. I am also quite shocked that she was so rude.

Unless you're prepared to ask her directly what she meant and what she knows you could drive yourself potty trying to second-guess her. If 'visiting' means that she lives far enough away not to be in your lives on a too-regular basis then ignore her. Many mothers automatically think their sons are 'too good' for any woman, regardless of marital problems, tendencies to do ironing or anything else.

"What exactly do you mean by TOO NICELY, MIL, dear?"

MIL once tried similar. Once.

However tempting it is, it is really much better to NOT engage in any sort of conversation with your MIL about that sort of subject; the best response would be to make a slightly quizzical facial expression (to no one in particular) and then go on to discuss something completely different. I know that is easier said than done. How does your DH react to her comment?

I'm with Ragwort on the quizzical facial expression and then change the subject. Think of the expression you would give to a toddler or young child that had just said something very random and inappropriate that you weren't prepared to even talk about with them!

Although I do think it's incredibly rude of her to have said it, clearly she was getting a dig of some kind. Another tack would be to pull her up on it in a genuinely perplexed way 'Oh in what way are they too nice?' then question her answer, and her question to that and so on until she digs herself a nice little hole

you are right, I will ignore. I did raise my eyebrows and look at DH but he just kept on reading his facebook on his phone while BIL laughed. DH probably didn't even hear it to be honest, which is frustrating but normal. She is far enough away for it not to matter but we will be spending a longer period of time with her later in the year. Perhaps I will use some of the suggested techniques then

I see my MIL at least three times a week.

I had to take action

I'm waiting for the (next) time MIL says something like this as I'm dying to use the MN response I read recently "did that sound as rude in your head as it did coming out of your mouth?"

I don't understand the advice to ignore fuckwittery. You wouldn't ignore it in anyone else, so why should parents and in-laws be the exception? Ignoring it can often be received as tacit approval at worst and reveals a dislike of confrontation at best.

I challenge parents and ILs all the time when they come out with crap, but I do it by asking lots of questions i.e. 'Can you explain that a bit more?' and paraphrasing..... 'So you're saying that men shouldn't be nice to their partners?'

I then listen to them backtracking and revising their earlier bullshit statements and we end up agreeing that yes, we shouldn't have different expectations of men and women and yes, immigration has been good for Britain and yes of course no woman 'asks' to be raped.

Don't ignore. Deal with it, but be clever about it. It's perfectly possible to confront someone on their attitudes and behaviour without there being bad feeling afterwards.

Sternface

Do we have the same Daily Fail repeater MIL?

Over the years we have had,

Lone Parents
Immigration
Sexual Assault
Unemployment
The Economy

Every time she backtracks furiously. You'd think she would know her audience by now...

No MIL is wonderful. The FIL she divorced on the other hand.......

Fortunately H and I do a good double-act, or if you're feeling uncharitable, pincer-movement might describe it more accurately...