When does it all stop being so crap?

[ChrissasMissis]

I don't know what to do - I am very confused and down. So far this year:

My Mum got sick and admitted to hospital

We have been trying to move (rented) house since last year, but seem to consistently find that having a child is a deal-breaker
My Mum died

My wedding got cancelled - the wedding money was used to pay for her funeral

Two stones fell out of my engagement ring

I am waiting gallbladder surgery (been waiting for three years)

We have £6,500 worth of debt, largely racked up whilst caring for my Mum

I have to go back to work after a year of maternity leave and am dreading it. I work with some wonderful people that I truly love, but it has also been the source of some immense stress in the past. I have been pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown and ended up on ADs owing to - I wouldn't say bullying - but excessive micromanagement where, for example, every loo break was questioned as possible time-wasting.

My Dad is not coping well with my Mother's death and when I go back to work, I will not be able to give him the time and support I am giving him now. I worry how this will impact on him.

I am massively overweight. I have gone from a trim size 12 to a flabby, pale, unattractive size 18. I know this will get commented on at work. My DP hasn't come near me in months. We have often fought in the past about my weight (apparently a 12 is fat). I feel disgusting and he doesn't see why his behaviour has an impact on this. I cannot and do not want a sexless relationship. But whilst he continues to keep me at arm's length, it's hard to see the point in making any effort with my appearance. I cannot remember the last time I actually shaved my legs. I also worry that if I lose weight, make an effort etc...and he then shows an interest in me, what that says about his view of the relationship. I just feel angry with him all the time. I have started to push him away on purpose, because if I am the one doing the rejecting, then I cannot be the reject.

I am so low, I feel like I eat to punish myself. And to punish DP for caring too much what I look like. I am sad, hollow, a shadow of the person I used to be. I wish I could sleep all the time.

The only joy in my life is my 11 month old DS, who gives me a reason to get up in the mornings.

How do I move forward?

Try Cruse Bereavement Care. It sounds as though you have lots of issues, but that they are all linked to your bereavement either directly or indirectly, Some counselling or bereavement support could help? It's free to see someone.

This is so sad to hear :(

It's hard to comment having not been in your situation, but I can only ask where are your girlfriends in all this? I know that when I've had problems in the past then the first thing I do is turn to them.

Regarding your partner, have you discussed with him how your feeling?

I suggest a holiday, a hobby? Something to focus on an help you love you again?

I almost posted earlier, but it seems so much that it's hard to pick what to address, really.

That must be how you are feeling. :(

I would suggest separating the issues into individual portions and deal with each one as if the others were not there.

Or identify which is the fulcral point. Is it the bereavement, is the state of your mariage, or even yourself that are feeling too low?

As said earlier, speak to the people in RL. Friends, husband, gp even.

oh OP i just want to hug you.
i am so sorry to hear of all your troubles.

Sorry, don't really know what to say but couldn't read and run.

You've had such a shocker. You may find that going back to work is actually a really good move and that it helps you get your head back on track.

Do try speaking to your GP, if you can, about all of the points you mentioned, or even print your op and take it in.

Good luck, things are so rubbish sometimes but you will come through it.

Go to your GP. Tell them what you've written here. You may need ADs again - take them if you do.

Re. the shallowness of your relationship - only you can decide whether it's worth it or not. Your DP may be seeing more than just a larger person - he may see someone who is very down, very hard on themselves, filled with sadness etc. and he may find that unattractive rather than just the weight - that in itself is more of a problem than just the weight issue, I'd say. Is he supporting you at all or not (I mean outside of the sex side of things)?

You've had a really rotten year and you need help - so go and ask for it.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post - much appreciated.

I guess I just got to the end of my tether, and had to write it all down to try and make sense of things. Seeing it written out, it seems like a lot. I suppose I would think was a lot if it was someone else. My Mum was very much of the "just get on with it" school of thought and that has clearly rubbed off on me and consequently, I don't have anywhere to "put" these feelings.

Lueji - You hit the nail on the head really. It's hard to know where to begin. I know I should go the GP, but am worried I would be wasting her time. Not to drip-feed, but several years ago, I lost a previous DP to cancer and when I went to my then-GP for some help/advice, I was told to get on my bike, because it wasn't a medical issue.As a result, I am never sure whether I am time-wasting or not, so tend to assume I am.

YounOne13 - My friends are terrific, but I really struggle with putting these problems on them. My sister is recently pregnant and after an MC last year, I want to keep her as stress-free as I am able. Also, my best friend lives in Canada and she is 38 weeks pregnant, so has her own problems! I just feel like I have more problems/issues than I could reasonably foist on someone else. Unfortunately, this does mean my DP gets it with both barrels, which doesn't help the relationship.

Thumbwitch - I take your point completely. DP is totally supportive of me outside of the sex issues and I know I ought to be more appreciative. I guess when the poo hits the fan, as it has this year, I really crave the closeness and intimacy - and I guess, comfort - that sex can bring. I miss it and it makes me feel unlovely and unloved when it isn't there.

Sounds like you had a shit GP after your previous DP died, so sorry - normally they're a lot more supportive! You are NOT time wasting. You need help.

Glad your DP is supporting you in other ways - you also need help with this area of your life as well. If you can't sit down and discuss it with him by yourselves (try the wooden-spoon technique, where you can only speak when you're holding the spoon/other appropriate object), then you may need some couples counselling to help you communicate with each other.

You don't say when you started the "reject him before he rejects me" trick but if it goes on much longer you won't have much of a relationship left. :(

I think if you can get the depression sorted out with ADs, get your self-care back on track and start to look after yourself again, your DP might start to be more interested in you as well, even if you're not as think as you used to be. You have to stop feeling repulsive yourself because you're projecting it outwards - and then hopefully things will improve.

You also need to stop folding everything in on yourself - open yourself up to the idea that other people do want to help you and will be there to listen to you - imagine if it was the boot on the other foot, you found out later that your friend/sister was in dire straits and felt they couldn't talk to you, how would that make you feel? Now think how you "not wanting to burden them" might make them feel. I understand they have their own stuff going on but some people like to talk about other things than themselves to give themselves a break from their own stuff!