Feel like crying again!

[barmybird]

I'm back again! needing yet more support and wise words. I'll be brief, my husband and I seperated at the end of last year after he had an affair. We did try again but he went back to his mistress.

We now live in seperate houses. dd who is 3 is based with me but spends time with xh. He continues to tell me every so often that he still wants me and will never give up. His mistress appears to come and go.

He has had dd this weekend whilst I had some time out after a particularly stressful time at work. When I dropped her off on Fri he told me he had fallen out with his mistress and still wanted me.

I have collected dd today and she tells me that the mistress has been around for much of the weekend, she got my dd dressed today and was in bed with daddy!

Yet again I am reduced to tears. I think probably because he has been lying to me again but more importantly because his mistress is becoming part of my dd life when my xh is clearly not sure about their relationship in the long term. I'm so worried for my daughter and don't know how to make this easier for her. I have managed to talk to her as normal about her weekend but now she is in bed I just want to cry

Barmybird - so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Wish I knew what to say to comfort you.
As far as I can see from what you have said at the start of this thread, I think your xp is leading you on. He says he will never give up? Sounds like he gave up when he went off with his mistress. Even if he does fall out with her and comes back to you would you truely trust him ever again? I sure wouldn't.
I hope you find happiness. xx

...although it's extremely difficult you have to try and be strong for your dd. Little ones pick up on our feelings more than we realise.

I don't trust him at all and no I wouldn't want him back. I tend to take these declarations with a pinch of salt. Its the fact that him keep saying this makes me suspect that his relationship with the mistress s not going to last the course. And I just wish he wouldn't involve our dd in this until he is sure.

He sounds like a complete arse to me sorry. He isn't being fair to you or your dd by messing you around like this.

If he really wanted you back then what is his misstress doing in his bed this morning?

He is using you and playing on your vulnerability. Please be strong and don't give in to him for your own sanity and self esteem.

He sounds exactly like my exp to be honest. He played me and his new 'gf' of against each other for 15 months, sleeping me me 'wanting' me back one minute then as soon as he left my bed he was hopping back into hers. Every rough patch they had he gave me a load of bollocks about how much he still loved me. Sick making really. I finally saw through him and fell in love with someone else.

Be strong. You and your dd deserve so much better than him

But do I challenge him about this? my dd is upset tonight and struggling to settle, he of course is oblivious to this . I feel like he does as he pleases and I deal with the fall out. I just want to ring him and say as a consequence of allowing your mistress to dress our dd and see the 2 of you in bed dd is now distressed! I recognise that dd is going to see the mistress (I must stop calling her that as she is now the girlfriend) and I do talk to her about the mistress as in I include her name in conversations when talking about daddy, just so that dd knows it is ok to see her and talk about her. But I just think xh should show some sensitivity to dd's feelings.

I must admit I didn't let my exp new girlfriend see our kids for about 6 months until I was sure that he was serious about her and that I was over him completely. I gave in because I'd met someone else.. he'd met my kids and I didn't think it was fair on exp.

It used to tear me up inside though to think about them all together at first playing happy families and I got even more when she got mistaken for thier mum in town. The fact she was barely 18 and my son was 5 didn't come into it..

Well I suppose you could mention it to him that your dd was a bit upset but I would do it when your calm and collected when your dd is out of earshot too.

It is inevitable that your dd is going to see the girlfriend but I do agree that your ex should be a little more sensitive. I know its going to be hard but if you can try and meain neutral about the gf in front of your dd then it will make it easier for your dd. She can probably pick up on your tension about her and probably make her unsettled.
I made the mistake in the early days of being really negative about exp gf infront of my two and it did affect my ds badly as he (can't for the life of me think why) actually quite likes her and my dd aged 3 does too. No matter what I think of her (and she is an immature homewrecking little bitch!) I wouldn't want my kids to feel like they have to hate her because I can't stand her.

I do know what your going through and it must be really hard for you x

I can't seem to stop him doing whatever he wants! hence my concerns over dd

hi BB
sorry to hear you're distressed - thought about you enjoying your weekend and was pleased for you

your DD is gorgeous and sooo loves mummy

it will be distressing for DD but I dont know what to suggest

my husband (as you know) can bearly force himself over here as it disrupts his weekend so much....I have refused to let him introduce our children to HER until at least 6 mths and he hastnt argued - lucky me

ring me if you fancy a chat
xx

unfortunately from what Ive read, all children play up when come back from other parent so doesnt necessarily mean shes distressed seeing daddy with gf

however, my DS told me he wouldnt like daddy to get new gf as "he wont love me anymore"

DS just needs reassurance which unfortunately wont get from daddy as he is immature himself

I am just so cross with him!! I think I am going to ring him and make my comments very general i.e. dd is upset what can we do differently next time? I feel I have to say something so he knows its not all plain sailing for dd.

MM will give you a ring after I've spoken to him.