Paranoid about EA

[gooseygusset]

I have namechanged, feel a bit weird about this. Married for 6 years to DH, together in total for about 13. He is a very different person from me in alot of ways but we get on well the majority of the time. We have two dd's, my eldest from a previous relationship and our littlie who is 5. In the last year or so I have begun to suspect him of being more than a little controlling in some aspects. But this last few months my suspicions are growing. He has confused me over the date of our anniversary, a day I would not forget. Really twisted me on it. I consulted two friends who confirmed the date. So the day of the anniversary, I was first to say, happy anniversary. He was angry, he wanted me to forget so he could get the cards etc. and be the big one....
It is all small bits. He will withold about whether or not he wants lunch..very narky about the whys and wherefores, rude to be honest. Gets pissy about small things to the point that I don't know whether I am coming or going. Refuses to agree with me on the slightest of details about anything. We went for lunch yesterday. Went into the place, he follows face all tense. "Are they still serving." It was 1.00 oclock, I asked, felt like a prick. He just stands there like a block of ice.
My response now is to challenge him on everything but I don't know why I must. Everything is a push pull contest. he has to know better, will not admit being wrong on any front, puts off decisions till the last minute and I just feel like I am going round the fucking bend. I am starting to hate him

Wow. He does not seem like a nice man.

Know that you know the things you know. You do not have to prove anything to him. I'd take steps towards separating, get legal stuff sorted, before he manages to confuse you, make you anxious and/or depressed. (Look up gaslighting, etc.)

It's emotional abuse when the behaviour of the one person is deliberately designed to bully the other into not being themselves. If you were being emotionally abused you'd be changing your behaviour to keep him sweet, feeling very uncertain about yourself and fearful of his reaction, anxious all the time that he was going to blow up over nothing, feeling that you were being manipulated. What you describe sounds more like you're saddled with a rude & argumentative old man.... bad tempered and contrary rather than abusive per se. 'Familiarity breeds contempt' in a lot of cases.... they stop trying. It could escalate if you accepted it but, as you're fighting back and are wise to his games, it may stay where it is.

Has anything particularly changed in your lives, is there any new stress or worry that you can think of, or has he always been this way and you've simply tolerated it in the past? If there has been a sudden deterioration it could mean that the pissiness is stress-related or he's met someone else. If he's always been like this and you'd like the relationship to improve, you could try the counselling route. However, if you're starting to hate him, this could be the time to bring things to a head, confront him about the behaviour, ask him to leave and tell him not to return until he's sorted himself out.

I have my concerns about an affair but so far can find no clear evidence. He claims his pissiness is down to stress at work, but contrary to this he claims stress is his fuel. His dad is the most abusive cunt I have ever had the bad luck to stand in the presence of. When it gets bad, I remind DH that he is being like his dad. It is my firm beliefe that FIL drove first wife to drink, she died an alcoholic. he took kids off her and then went and got wed 2 years later.
He is grumpy like an old man who wants the world to tip toe round him and jump when he says. He drinks most nights, the same amount but ignores any discussion about perhaps a few AFD nights. I want to do all the "but he is a lovely man" and what have you. All my friends think he is the bees bollocks, he does loads round the house, but he has all the emotional capacity of a breez block.

Look, it's fine to end a relationship that isn't working for you. You don't need his permission or anyone else's to leave him. If he does this sort of stuff to you he's probably going to start doing it to your DD as well: for men like this it's about having power over women, the power to make them look bad, to make them doubt themselves etc.

Alcohol is a well-known depressant. If someone is inclined to be an old grouch, alcohol is not going to improve their personality in the slightest. What you describe, unfortunately, reminds me of my exH. He also had a too-regular, too-heavy drinking problem (rather than being an alcoholic) and he came from a family of alcoholics and 'nasty drunks'. Started out OK when we met but 12 years of hitting the scotch bottle nightly meant he ended up very bitter, argumentative and a PITA to live with - although, as I'd got acclimatised by that stage, I couldn't see how bad it was. He also claimed to enjoy the stress of his work when, in reality, it was only stressful because he wasn't very good at what he did. Ironically, as his behaviour hit new lows, he left me for someone else... just to add insult to injury :)

I don't know what to suggest except to get yourself into self-preservation mode. Build up some funds, check out your legal position and then suggest to your husband that a trial separation would be in order. You may be able to judge the situation more clearly if he's not around.

He says he is stressed at work. Could you find out what may be causing it, from him or subtley elsewhere. It sounds like he is overstressed, though this might not be his only problem.