Husband indifferent and lies to avoid conflict

[Iactuallydothinkso]

I posted here a while back about my marriage and got lots of advice. We went to counselling and I was hopeful we would get back on track. I have made changes and I could see dh was too.

Now I seem to be back stuck in a rut of his indifference and his vague non committal answers. I spoke to him before about how I wanted more affection, I want him to actually touch me, hugs, kisses that kind of thing, a friendly word, gesture, a smile etc and I also said I would like to hear him tell me that he loves me. He never says it unless I do first. I went through a phase of telling him every day that I loved him but after a few days I just got a "oh" and that was it. Quite disheartening.

He again mostly sits in a different room during the day if we are not working and in the evening when he comes home. He never initiates anything at all, doesn't surprise me with anything or even make conversation. I am tired of doing all the planning for us to do anything at all and I am tired of this nothing.

He has left to work away for a week. We had a bit of a row on his last night here and before he left with me saying that he won't contact me while he is away. We have had this issue before. He never rings, never picks up his phone to call me back, is never in the hotel when I call so basically it's no contact.

If he wanted to call me he could. We both know this.

I said he wouldn't call me when he was away, we would continue down this road and when he gets back, nothing will have changed except I want it to. I don't want to live such a lonely life. I can predict he will not call. He left saying he would, of course he will call! Well,he hasn't. Just like I predicted.

This may seem small but it's an indication of his lying to avoid conflict. I can't stand it. He lies a lot about little things and tells me and his family what we want to hear and clearly has no intention of actually doing it and then will find a way of blaming it on something else.

I can't stand it anymore. Does anybody have any suggestions as to how I move this forward? I don't think I can accept it. I'm not really ready yet to end my marriage but the thought of us drifting back is not going to happen as far as I am concerned.

I think you sit him down when he gets back from being away and ask him to leave, quite honestly. It's not ending your marriage, especially, but it will give you some thinking space. You've gone the counselling route and it's obvious that he has no intention of changing.

Is there a way you can link to your other posts?

Sounds like something or someone is pulling him away from your relationship, but if he lies you won't know that.

Do you have children?

Has he always been like this? Some people are simply uninterested in affection and romance, though whether or not they are prepared to make some effort towards meeting a partner's need for these things varies according to how selfish they are. Some men marry in order to appear 'normal' ie for whatever reason they have no real interest in a couple-relationship with a woman but feel that having a Nice Wife is an important part of their public image. Some men, of course, marry because they want efficient domestic service and/or to have children but not to have to do the work of looking after them.
I wonder if this might be what's going on because you say he tells you what you want to hear yet doesn't actually change his behaviour: this is the sort of man who doesn't really consider women to be people, and certainly doesn't think that your needs and wishes matter as much as his; he will say the right things and just enough of them to shut you up and ensure that his meals are cooked and his house kept clean.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1401242-Is-it-really-over

I hope this links to my last post.

Thank you for you replies.

I don't mean to be harsh, but it really reads like you're flogging a dead horse.

You've tried and tried and tried, but he isn't interested. If he wanted be be close with you, talk with you, spend time with you - he would. He prefers to live alongside you, but not with you.

You can't make him be who you want him to be, if that's not something he's prepared to do. I'm so sorry. I think he is being loud and oh so clear on this. He's emotionally checked out.

You can only decide what you are willing to accept - or not.

Maybe you are right Hectate. To do something else for me would cause considerable upheaval. I'm not saying it can't be done, just that it would be a nightmare because clearly, I would have to be in charge of that too.

Your other posts tend to back up what my instincts were when I read your first.

Something or someone has pulled him away. Maybe lots of things. Now you need to pull away.

I agree he has checked out of the relationship.

You really are flogging a dead horse here.

He has withdrawn, as you recognise.

He is never in his hotel room when you call?

Hmm, doesnt that sound like an affair to you?

Watching with interest as this is close to home for me too.

Whether it's an affair or depression he has no intention at all of considering you or meeting your needs, so cut your losses and get rid. To carry on trying to make him 'love' you will wear you out to no purpose. And by the sound of it, separating yourself from him financially will be good for you.