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Original poster

How do you keep feeling sexy, attractive and "alive" when your husband works away for months on end?

27 replies

bluethimble · 29/04/2012 11:00

I'm 49, married with a young daughter. I love both of them very much but have recently had a real internal crisis as I've realized that my life at the moment is not satisfying all my needs. Yep! another bloke showing quite some interest in me sparked this off. I absolutely do not want a physical relationship with anyone other than hubby but I do suddenly feel a bit lost and realize I need to generate more internal happiness for myself. Does this strike a chord with anyone? Any ideas ?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2012 12:05

The relationship I'm currently in involves periods spent apart. I find this gives me lots of space to develop my own life and have a pretty full diary with work, activities and social stuff. He does the same. We talk and text daily so that we can catch up on news and, because we're both quite happy in ourselves, there's none of that exhausting teenage clinginess, or taking-for-granted that 24/7 relationships can often descend into. When we get together it's lovely because 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' etc. :)

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 14:50

You need a husband back, a job (if you haven't ) and or a vibrator. ;)

longlashes · 29/04/2012 15:53

Im 47 dh works away a lot and feel exactly the same. Have two teenage ds who have left school and have their own lives. Although recovering after an operation atm ( so booooorrred!!) i normally have a busy life, job,go to the gym, social life, I also feel restless at times, get attention from men. I don't want anyone but dh, but I know what you mean, it is unsettling. I also feel unfulfilled, thought what else can I do? Thought about writing a childrens book, its something I always wanted to do, and now that I am laid up for a few weeks, maybe I should give it a whirl. Or going horseriding, or am I too old? Although, due to his job, we have absolutely no financial worries, and I love being alone sometimes, I think it is still crap for a marriage when one partner is away, and we have been together nearly thirty years and all that time he has worked away!

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 19:26

I'd say you're living half a life and make him rethink
His job

motherinferior · 29/04/2012 19:29

I can't say living with someone makes me feel madly sexy, attractive, or indeed alive...

Original poster
bluethimble · 29/04/2012 20:46

Thanks for all the posts so far. NewMatic: I have a job that I love, I'm a teacher and am well loved by many of the kids ( I actually now think that this (kids love) has masked or compensated, in some way for what I'm missing. I also have a vibrator but that doesn't give me" emotional " love.

LongLashes: thanks for your message.... you should write your book and try horse riding when you feel up to it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/04/2012 20:53

well, you could try not looking to a man to make you feel those things

that would be a good start

find your Feminist side, and freeze out the attention from this OM if you value yourself

EdithWeston · 29/04/2012 21:19

My advice FWIW is to cut out this OM entirely, and now (removes slippery slope).

Then look at what you want to. How old is your DD? Do you WOH? What are you good at? What do you feel good for having done? (Those two aren't necessarily the same). When your DH is around, what do you do together?

It's terribly easy to get into ruts. The advice of starting a class, a hobby, voluntary work is hackneyed, I know, but it works.

EdithWeston · 29/04/2012 21:23

Sorry delayed x-post. As a teacher, you won't have much spare time in term time. Can you plan things for holidays that will occupy you? Or even make tiny shifts in your day to day routine that will occupy you differently and make your life more vibrant? (Walking places, getting out, even for only 15 minutes at lunchtimes etc?)

And you Amy need to work on communication with your DH? What are his current dreams and ideals? What would he like to be doing when he's home? How can you share this, and plan for it? Does he know what you want to be doing? Does he know what sorts of treats you like best - not the sort you wanted when you first got together, but what you'd like now?

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 22:10

I'm sorry. Voluntary work. ? Why do we always suggest shite like this youd bever get this being suggested to a man!!
Shes married to someone who is never there!!
She's frigging lonely.

I'd either divorce or say something's got to change.

fallenangle · 29/04/2012 22:20

If his working away is leaving you feeling empty then you need to tell him and discuss ways you can be together more. Like him changing jobs. These are years you wont get back. don't make the mistake of being persuaded money = happiness. It doesn't.

fallenangle · 29/04/2012 22:24

New OP seems just to have realised she is lonely. Advising divorce when she hasn't, as far as we know, even talked to her husband about it is not constructive.

lurkingaround · 29/04/2012 22:26

Divorce??!! That seems a bit drastic. OP says she loves DH.

Is it not a matter of OP finding herself again? Finding out what kind of life she can make for herself, that fits around her current life circumstances.

Sorry no great practical suggestions, but like has been said above: step away from the OM.

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 22:27

I washy saying divorce straightaway. Obv.
But if he won't change jobs what the point ? She's just a housekeeper

lurkingaround · 29/04/2012 22:36

What??? Just a housekeeper?? (What's wrong with being a housekeeper?? Lovely term btw) OP has a full-time job, and a DD. I'm going to presume you're being facetious. Or trying to be funny.

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 22:38

Her husband doesn't live there. Wtf is she getting from
The relationship ?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2012 23:04

you know all those blokes that are working out in Afghanistan ?

should their wives dump them because they "aren't getting anything out of it" ?

what a strange attitude

NewMatic · 29/04/2012 23:40

thast 6 months every so often
not permanently

fallenangle · 29/04/2012 23:47

New OP SAYS 'months on end' nowhere can I see her say this is permanent.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2012 23:49

where did OP say "permanent" ?

he could be on a tour of duty, on an oil rig, all sorts of employment

although she seems to have done one, so the point could be academic

Original poster
bluethimble · 30/04/2012 19:15

Ok thanks for all of the above. Just to clarify a bit; divorce is unthinkable. Changing his job is something we both want but as it pretty specialist what he does, it's not that easy. I/ we (me and DD) do see him but it is sometimes months apart and then not for very often and then of course I have to share him with DD ( up to a point of course!!). We have discussed this but until we can be together more there isn't much he can do. Many thanks and I await any further posts with interest.

OP posts:
longlashes · 01/05/2012 13:25

In a way I suppose it can be looked on as ' half a life ' if you let it, but over the years I have become very independent and I have 2 different ways of life with disadvantages and advantages of both. I have 2 ds 17 and 18 and have had them a lot of time on my own, but we have coped ok. Dh has thought about changing his job, but although money isn't everything, he wouldn't get half of what he gets around here, we have looked into it. He is also up for promotion soon, and when he does get that, will get a big pay rise and will be able to pick and choose when he works. I also work in a school and have a great relationship with the children, and i work to give myself independence even though I don't need to. We buy properties and rent them out, also looking ahead to when dh has an early retirement!
It is difficult still when he is away but I have never really known any different. I go out at the weekends sometimes when he is away and although I could 'pull' most weekends, I would never throw away what I have. I have got this far and once my ds are a little older, look forward to a bit of travelling abroad wth dh on our own again. We have had some fantastic holidays, before kids, with kids and one day on our own again, can't wait!

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 13:37

I also live separately from my husband in the week, the idea I am just a 'housekeeper' is quite bizarre. We are in a relationship, we manage this not even being in the same room all of the time. We are quite clever like this. We also enjoy our weekends together immensely. As someone else has said, what about living together makes you feel alive and sexy all the time? It's a state of mind, not about how often you see each other (both too much and too little of each other can destroy intimacy).

It is hard on your own sometimes, but I get the impression it has only just really started getting you down. It sounds like there are two ways about this. One is to definitely talk again about him changing his job/location. It sounds like this may be a possibility on the horizon. It also sounds like you would like to see more of him, not less, which is why all mentions of divorce are just inappropriate. Can you talk more/Skype/keep in touch even though the situation is not changing right now? I find we can get into a pattern of not much communication in the intervening time, sometimes stepping that up really helps.

The second is to work out where your dissatisfaction is coming from in the meantime.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself that you have had your head turned by a bit of attention. Definitely stop any further moves in that area though (this is not about him living away necessarily but about fearing invisibility and liking the attention that proves you are not invisible). I think taking up horse-riding sounds brilliant, if not now, when? I don't think these are a substitute for time with your husband, but they are something you can do for yourself which will make you feel alive, I know someone who has just got a horse and she loves it.

CurrySpice · 01/05/2012 16:42

Mumsyblouse, with respect, being apart Monday to Friday is rather different to being apart for weeks or months on end

OP hello! :)

My DP also works away. Four weeks away at a time although it has been up to 10 weeks at a time so I know how you feel.

At first I did a lot of moping but now I am much more matter of fact about it

First of all I try to keep very busy. Plan lots of social things with and without the kids.

I also set myself a challenge each time he goes - to run 100km, to lose a stone, to decorate DD's room...whatever

I also think it's really important to talk to each other a lot. Not just about day-to-day stuff but about us. Sometimes it's quite soppy but it makes us feel connected. We talk about when we met, lovely things we've done, how much we love each other etc - sounds corny I know but it helps us to feel close and intimate even when we are apart. And of course there's telephone sex!

Good luck OP, I really feel for you xx

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 17:27

CurrySpice, I didn't go into detail here, but my husband works away for weeks at a time travelling for work, and when he's in the country is here on weekends. I won't see him now for three weeks. It's the same difficulties of having lots of intense time together, followed by very little. I think it's pretty similar, although the longest I don't see him is about a month at a time as he is usually in Europe.

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