Background: My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 6. We have a DS who is 3.5 yr old who has Autism. Our DS does have language, but only speaks to people he has bonded with.
I'm from another country and moved to the UK after we married. Since I've moved here, my husbands family have not been the most welcoming. We've been left out of family events for years and when we go to dinner at his parents house I am left out of conversations.
Husbands sister and oldest cousin both feel like I've caused a rift between H and his Mother. Both treat me like a chore/obligation and really make a show of how precious their time is when I'm present. I don't know if Mil currently feels the same way, but Fil did for a while until his side of the family took a chance at building a relationship with us. We get on okay and they do find me reasonable.
I do try to engage with Mils family and call to see how they are, I thought things were getting better lately as they've been extending dinner invitations--on days they know we cannot make (we're moving house and I have exams for a Masters course that I'm doing).
Because I am in the middle of exams, and the house is being packed up, I asked my Sil two weeks ago to come babysit my DS. She often complains that he doesn't speak to her and I've repeatedly explained that because they haven't bonded, he won't speak to her until she is a more consistent part of his life. To be honest though, she's never made much of an effort and I do chase after her. I only do this because she complains to everyone about DS's lack of enthusiasm around her...and she babysits all the other kids in the family that are around his age. Some of them once a week. It hurts my husband to see her not make the effort with his own son.
So today, while DS was running around Sil looks up at me and says: "I've been busy all week, I'm really tired...this isn't fun for me and there isn't much I can do with him, he's uncommunicative." The tone she said it with though, was just full of disgust, even DS made a face at hearing her words. Since DS was in the room, I told her it was just that he needed more time with her and if she wasn't feeling well, I was happy to take over.
...But I felt like the biggest chore, I felt like there is no place for me in this family and there is certainly no place for my DS. Husband has acknowledged seeing the way I am treated within his family, and he see's how hard I try for everyone's sake, but he refuses to do anything about it.
If we were in my country, no one in my family would dare treat him like an obligation, even if they felt it. My sister lives with us to help with DS while she is studying here; she has never ever felt like we are an obligation and she has cared for and loved my DS as if he was her own. She loves my husband as well...and has never treated him with any contempt.
Whilst speaking of my feelings about this to my husband, he ran out of the room screaming because he thinks I want him to cut off ties with his family. That is not what I want, I just want to be treated fairly. I don't think it's fair for family to speak badly about me, or make fun of my sons disability without knowing us--and I also don't think it's nice of them to keep alienating us. They left us out of events even before DS was born...slowly though, while I make an effort towards the extended family, I think some of them may be changing their mind about me.
I just don't know what to do about a Sil who hates me and disregards my DS because of his Autism, or a husband who cannot communicate with me.