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Relationships

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Original poster

Can I force my STBX to see his DCs?

19 replies

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 21:03

Am currently going through a messy separation with my DH. He is blocking my every move all the way, not because he loves me and 3 DCs, just because he is losing all control over us.
I want the DCs to see as much of their dad as possible after the dust has settled, but DH is making this awkward.
I suggested he have them to stay with him friday evening till sunday morning. He is not happy about this as, as he states, "cuts into his free time". The only other thing I can think is that he has them to stay over a couple of nights in the week. Again, he complains that it all depends on his social arrangements. also, I think having them stay with him during a school week would be disruptive for them, but can't think what else to suggest.
I really don't want to have to put my foot down with him over this, but I do think he should try to sacrifice his "free time" in order to see his own children.
What have others done in this situation?

OP posts:

chocoraisin · 28/04/2012 21:07

Its very hard to say - how old are your DC's and how far away does he live? I don't think you can force him, no. I'm recently separated with v. young DS and at the mo his dad has him on a saturday (all day) and friday (just the afternoon). He doesn't stay overnight at all. I guess it would be helpful to ask him when/how he would like to see the DC's and take it from there? Have you thought about mediation to help you both work things out in a positive environment? You have my sympathy. It's a really shit thing to be going through :( I hope you and your lovely DC are doing ok with all the upheaval.

Original poster

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 21:12

We practically live round the corner from each other, as I wanted the DCs to be as close as possible.
DCs are 10, 5 and 4.
Mediation is something to consider in the future, but atm, things are pretty raw between us. He just can't understand why I wanted to split......his "free time" being one of the major reasons.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 21:13

Yes he should, but it would be wrong of you to force him. He has to see his children because he WANTS to see his children. There cant be much worse for a child than being forced to spend time with a parent who clearly does not want to be with them.

ToothbrushThief · 28/04/2012 21:18

What squeaky said and tbh you cannot force someone to see their children. Would you just drop the kids outside and run? He has to agree.

Accepting he doesn't prioritise being a father is tough.

Original poster

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 21:20

Yes, deep down I know I can't actually force him to see the DCs. But I can't seem to get him to see how shitty towards them he is being.
We'd all love to have free time, but when you become a parent, I believe deeply that you have to sacrifice your time to your children. I'd love to lie on the sofa every evening watching TV, but I know my DCs have to come before that.
So why can't DH see this too?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 21:46

Lost my last post as the site went down when I pressed send...

Tries again..

I would disagree that you have to sacrifice everything and your own lives when you have children, and really believe that is why so many marriages and relationships fail.

Kids do not need 100% parental attention, they thrive from growing up in the company of others, it helps their independenceto grow when they interact with other responsible adults, even in their own homes.

Couples need to have time to themselves, their own free time, and their own interests, separately and together. Adults need to have other adult company without the presence of children all the time.

It is a mistake to put your kids before your marriage, because one day your kids will grow up, they will leave home, and then you find you are living with a stranger who you no longer have a real relationship with other than a co-parent.

MarySA · 28/04/2012 21:54

Could you not reach some sort of compromise. Like he has them every other weekend and then during the week when he doesn't have them at the weekend.

Original poster

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 22:24

I' m not saying parents should completely sacrifice their own lives for the sake of their DCs, but I do think you need to actually participate in family life. You can't get married, have children, then just carry on like a singleton, which is what my DH did.
I left him basically, because I recognised that me and the DCs came a very long way down his list of priorities. That cannot be right when you choose to have a family....nobody forced him into it.
One of the reasons I kept hanging on to the relationship was because, as he was so decidely disengaged from family life whilst we were all living together, the chances of him suddenley turning into the Dad of the year if I left was slim. And this is proving to be the case, as he still thinks it's okay to put a game of golf above seeing his DCs.

That is my quandary. Do I let him hang himself, when the DCs are old enough to realise that their father would rather watch TV and play golf, or do I force the issue, even though it has ultimately led to me leaving him?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 22:33

I agree with you that the other end of the scale is completely unaccetable, but if he didnt show any interest in the kids when you were all living together, he is unlikely to show any more now sadly.

I really would not force a relationship. It will be his problem in years to come when his kids realise that he was such a shit dad. But no dad in their lives is better than some bloke who doesnt want them there and who will just shove them in front of a tv while he gets on with his life because "he has to do it"...

squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 22:33

unaccePtable... fgs, I sound like supernanny now!

Original poster

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 22:53

at supernanny

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 28/04/2012 23:07

No, you can't force him to see the kids. What you can do, and should do, is document all your negotiations ie discuss it all via email, print and keep copies. Offer reasonable access times at least twice a week and record that you have made this offer. Keep it all on file. Because selfish pricks like him often have a massive 'change of heart' further down the line, usually when they are trying to impress a woman they have started to date, and suddenly they want to see their DC all the time and cast you as the evil bitch who wouldn't let them be a daddy, and may even launch court action - but if you have it all on record that he fucked off and wouldn't make any effort to see his DC, any court action will fail.

It's rough on DC, of course, but you have to keep reminding them that some people are just rubbish at being parents, and that it's not DCs fault, DC are wonderful and lovable and everyone else in their lives loves them, it's just bad luck that their father is not able to do so.

Original poster

bjf1 · 28/04/2012 23:23

Thanks SGB, good advice about keeping records. DH is EXACTLY the type to want to "impress" future partners. After all, he did exactly the same thing with me when we first met.

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 29/04/2012 08:36

Oh what good advice SGB :)

neuroticmumof3 · 29/04/2012 11:53

I'm having a similar problem with my exP at the moment, he can't be arsed to see DD much and it's heartbreaking. You're not alone!

Original poster

bjf1 · 29/04/2012 15:31

neurotic, I really can't get my head round this.
They don't see them all week then can't even make time for them at the weekend.
Do they think their DCs will not notice or be hurt by this?
Wankers.

OP posts:

Mother2many · 30/04/2012 07:14

The judge told me when I offered above and beyond lots of visitation.. "I can't make him be a father"....

Original poster

bjf1 · 30/04/2012 13:36

Mother2many, that is really shit.
I think the state should force them to be fathers to their DCs, or make them have the snip so they can't go off and repeat the pattern all over again with another poor unsuspecting woman.
Bit OTT but WTH, give them the choice and see how fast they can get round to pick the DCs up then.

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 30/04/2012 18:00

Whilst I agree with the sentiment, I don't think the state can force a person to be a good parent.

My suggestion is offer sensible arrangements. But whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of allowing 'flexible' arrangements. Certainly not at the beginning.

What having a 'flexible' arrangement means usually is that he gets the cherry pick his days and you have to pick up any times he cannot be arsed or gets a better offer.

So stick to your offer of weekends or midweeks. But the routine would be fixed. If he doesn't like it then don't play ball unless he comes up with a fixed alternative. If he doesn't like it then tell him to go away until he does. One of two things will then happen.

He will threaten to go to solicitors & even take you to court. Fantastic. He'll need to define access times as he'll be laughed out of court for wanting access whenever he feels like it.
He'll walk away blaming you for not allowing him to see the kids. If he takes this option then he was always going to do it anyway. He just needed you to be the bad guy. In which case you may as well do it now rather than let him constantly let the kids down.

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