Advice please from the long-term-togethers

[Inukshuk]

Hello everyone - first post so please be gentle!

Quite a simple question really, I'm just looking for some opinions/experience. I got married just a few months ago to someone I've been with for several years. He's wonderful. For as long as I remember being aware of boys/men at all, I've pretty much always fancied more than one at a time. I never cheated on any boyfriends, or even really found this confusing - generally I guess there would be someone I was really into, and then some other thoughts in the background. Now I'm married, and I realise that I fancy a nice man at work. My default thought about this is that this is similar to whenever I have vaguely-liked other men before, I don't feel I'm in danger of cheating on my husband, and I assume it will pass in time.

But. My sister recently mentioned that, now she's in love, she finds it interesting the way she doesn't find other men attractive any more. But I still do. I don't really have any married friends yet, and my mum died a few years ago. So, what I would be really grateful to hear from any older-and/ir-wisers is - is it okay to fancy someone else when you're married? Have you had thoughts about other people come and go over the course of your marriages? (I'm saying marriages for ease, but I mean long-term exclusive relationships equally).

In short I guess the question is, as I can't ask my mum - is this okay? should I be worried?

Thank you

Of course it's ok if you don't act on it.

Hi,

I do understand your situation. I'm in a long time relationship with my now husband and we have two children. I have felt an attraction to other men at some points in my relationship, though I never acted upon it. I have to say that since I've had my children, I haven't fancied anyone, neither at work nor when going out. I have to admit I don't go out much either these days.

One of the hardest things for me was that after one year of going out with my current husband, then boyfriend, I fell in love with one man that was ten years older than me and with two kids at the time. We went out a few times, only as friends and he was definitely interested in me too, but I was too much of a coward and chickened out. It breaks my heart to this day as I think we would have made a lovely couple and I would have been happier with him than I am now. He was an art lecturer, very artistic and sensitive. The kind of personality type I like the most. But we can never tell when we are young. I thought he had too much baggage at the time.

I never fell in love again but I have fancied guys here and there. I love my husband but after so many years and so much stress and the grinding of everyday life, I'm not sure I'm in love with him that much. I respect him and love him, still find him quite attractive when he keeps his weight in check, and can't see myself at the moment with anybody else, but that guy I rejected at the time, thirteen years ago, is always in my mind. Maybe in my next life, who knows.

Been married for 24 years. Of course I still fancy other men - I may be a bit long the tooth, but I'm still alive! But the difference is that I would never, ever do anything about it or ever let a man other than my DH know that I fancy him. It's only random thoughts, and no-one else has any idea of those

Been with DH for 10 years. Think he's fab, makes me laugh LOADS, fancy him like crazy and love the bloody bones of him. But... doesn't mean I don't look around every now and then. I'm married, not dead! But any nothing ever goes any further than my head! I couldn't be tempted enough to risk losing what I've got.

O hun that is so normal! Ive been with my hubby 12 years and married for 7. We have 3 month old twins and have been through everything together I love him to bits he is my world and knows me better than I know myself blah blah vomitAnd I whitt-whoo loads of men! Its the reason I put slap on when I leave the house tbh. Hell-l it makes trips to the supermarket worthwhile knowing a red hot male may be in the dairy aisle. Though Im not TOO honest with hubby Im pretty sure hes aware I fancy half the players on his rugby team (why does he think I go to matches?) but I wouldnt tell him who. I like to think he thinks a lot of my mates too (they are georgeous after all!). Oh and he knows all about my big crush on Gerard Butler. The point is as PoppyWearer says as long as you dont act on it, or let it get out of hand. You love your husband and thats not the same as fancying someone sexy. If we actually were with these sexy man we would see they have loads of faults (being irresistable one of them!). If it makes a dull and boring work day go faster I say go for it fancy away just dont do anything youd regret.

Omg I said sexy Im 30 not 50 :(

What's wrong with being 50? My relationshipis as old as you!

OP, yes, it's normal. :)

Nothing wrong with being 50! Unless it makes you say things like 'sexy' and 'courting'!

Another vote for "normal" here, IMO the whole thing about a good partnership is that you willingly choose not to act on it.

Hmm, "courting" is a bit old-fashioned even for me. But when did "sexy" go out of fashion?

I must be unusual then, married for 27 years and never been attracted to another man.
In fact I've only seen one man ( in real life) in all that time that I thought was as attractive as him.

Just because you're on a diet it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu!

Im pretty sure Ive heard my dad say it (shudders) so its just put me off a bit. Have just found out that I also say it though so maybe it still is in fashion? Or Im unfashionable. Nope its still ok :)

It's normal :) I think it's quite nice - when I was single, or in relationships where I felt insecure, having a crush on someone was incredibly nerve wracking because I was constantly scared of "messing things up" or "ruining my chance" with them. Now, of course, I'm not interested in a relationship with anybody else so although I might look, think "mmm!" or even wonder what it might be like to be with them, it never goes further than that, and fairly often, it actually fizzles out as I come across their less-attractive traits.

It can be nice to have these thoughts as long as they do not become intrusive, and I would never put myself in a position where I might be tempted to do something, e.g. getting drunk with that person, being in a one-to-one position with them, for example at their house. It's just disrespectful to your own relationship to do that. Admire freely, but from afar :)

Thanks everyone! Well that was a pretty much overwhelmingly consistent response. Phew. Now you've all replied it seems quite obvious, but is amazing what a worry you can make these things into in your head on your own. It's like the oracle in here! Thank you, really thank you x

I dont actually fancy other people apart from my dp, although i do of course find other people attractive, but i dont crush on anyone else.
Some people do though, and it doesnt mean much