Alone and very scared, have nowhere to turn ....

[HoldTouchEngage]

I thought i'd posted this last night but it turns out i didn't so here is my original post and my update...

I have been with OH for 12 years, we have 2 gorgeous children together and for the most part have been very happy! I love him to death and have no-one other than him and my children.

OH has several health problems and 2 years ago was given 2 yrs to live before being put on the heart transplant list, unless he cut out alcohol and caffeine completely and changed his diet (he's had a heart condition since small!) Anyway this scared him and his drinking spiralled out of control, this ended in me leaving him last year after calling out the police and fleeing to a safe home! Stupidly i accepted my parents offer to move in with them until i found somewhere, but that lasted 3 nights before telling me that myself and my small children were in the way and no longer welcome! They haven't contacted me since! Not surprising seen as though - they never wanted meanyway (i found out at14 that my dad wasnt my real dad and parents kicked me out, continually until at 16 i'd had enough and wellthats another story, i got back in touch when pg at 21 , i'm now 30)..... I lived with OH's eldest daughter for 3 months on her sofa and gradually got back in touch with my ex, he detoxed, saw the kids and we relocated and moved back in together! All was sweet and peachy until his diabetes soared out of control and he developed even more health probs!

Life has been a misery and i've been trying to hold it together, that is until this evening when the abuse really started again ..(it;s been like this for a number of weeks but i just couldnt give in, i felt sooo ashamed!) but i knew i had too as the kids were terrified and he left, i locked the doors and he hammered on them and the windows for 3 hours, he was out of his face, and couldnt stand up! Threatening to hit me, so after speaking to MIL i phoned the police and they've arrested him and carted him away - although only until he is sober again, but they don't want him back here and neither do i! He has nowhere to go, as we know no-one here, but he's an adult. i've given them his meds.

I am so pathetic, for thinking that after detox and a number of months and the help he was recieveing that he would remain that great man, that he's overturned his addiction and was wanting his family.

I've lost all friends due to this, have no family and just cannot imagine what on earth i do now! I'm worried i'll cave in, or that he'll do something stupid, my head is spinning! I've sooo much to think about, it took me ages to find a house, i canot afford this place on my own, i canot move dd out of school she changed school 3 times last year due to waht was happening and has finally settled in and loves it here!

Arrrggggghhhhhhhhh

Apologies for typos, lappy not working and sat on pc in bedroom, kids asleep in my bed xx

Well the arresting officer rang me just after midnight to let me know he'd be in cells all night due to his state and attitiude. He told me they would not realease him without giving me a call first as we'd already distinguished i didn't want him back here. The officer said that they have a team of support worker officers who deal with 'this kind' of case and help me to move onto the next steps, ie moving on from the relationship, sorting the kids out, contact with him, the house all that blurb and just general support! He said they would contact me this morning, between 8 and 10, and then he'd be released after they'd made contact!

So at 6 am i wander downstairs to let out the dog and there's his bacg of meds hung on the backdoor with him smiling through the doors at me! Throwing the V's and middle finger, *** this ha ha etc. So i call the custody suite and non of the information from the previous night has been passed on (basically i wasn't believed the arreting officer had called me and told me this, as he would of clearly passed on any info!) ....is there any wonder that you read all these horror stories about murders, assaults etc....

Anyway snotty female officer says she cannt pass me through to report a crime and as he's not committing a crime (they released him as he lives here, which he does and our privately rented home is in his name) then there is nothing they will do unless he threatens violence and danger to me or the kids, which he won't do now he's sober as he's far to clever and smarmy for that!

I've probably done wrong in throwing him the car keys and his mobile - i don't know where the bank cards are - i thought i had those so appears not.

As a grand gesture of guilt for me he's empited all his drugs, insulin and everything at the back door and left!

I cannot help feel guilty, i love him, he is the father of my kids. He's not a bad man, justhas made bad choices and lost his way. But i know in my heart of hearts that this will only continue and by me always taking him back, saying we'll work through it, that i am just making it easy for him and i am the only one trying...and it's killing us all!

I know how strong i need to be, but with no-one to fall back on i am extremely scared and nervous i have to face this alone with no famiy of my side and no friends! I'm still worried about sending dd to school today, another reason the officer said they'd releas him AFTER the other team phone me or visit etc.

I've emailed his sister, as i have no credit to give her the heads up, MIL will no doubt ring shortly (she's away down south at my other sil's for a few nights) and said last night she'll post me a postal order for some money until i get sorted out! What a mess, £120 to my name, rent due next week, in his name, and contract expires next week to (to be renewed).

I cannot believe i'm in this mess and, not sure how to feel... cannot believe how incapable to police actually are!

So i phoned them again to explin he is insulin dpeendant and hasn't had his injections so is at risk for himself and others whilst driving. I also wanted to check i'd been passed onto the team the aforementioned police officer said i would be. I got a phonecall at 8.30 telling me they would at some point send some officers out to see me as i was quite clearly distressed and in need of support and advice.

MIL has phoned and i couldnt speak as i was crying and walking dd to school, i've embarrasingly informed school and i'm just sat here a wreck!

Hold - you poor thing, that is awful!!!! It is completely understandable that you wanted to try again, especially with no support around you. Are the ILs being supportive of you individually, or of you as a couple?

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time today, I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I don't have any great advice as such, just that you do need to continue and meet with the support team, I'm sure you know this, for you and your children who deserve a bit of stability. I hope it goes ok. But we are listening, and do post more if it helps. Please don't feel bad about this mess, but unfortunately sometimes addictions are just bigger than the people that have them, you need to step away from him at this point as its something way beyond your control. Good luck.

Poor you!

Would the landlord doca new contract in just your name?

• do a

And could your DH be sent to live at mil/sil for a bit?

OK. You have done the right thing kicking him out. Now you need to get all the help you can and stay strong in order to be able to keep him out.

• His health is his own concern. If he wants to make a grand gesture of leaving the insulin he needs on your doorstep, let him. He is an adult and can find his own way to a GP's surgery or hospital. You are not responsible for him taking his meds; no need to make any calls to the police or anyone else about it.

• You say he took the bank cards. Can you report them stolen and block them, so that he doesn't empty the accounts or send you into overdraft?

• Access all the help you can:

make sure the helpful police officer from last night follows up with you.

Call Women's Aid 0808 200 247 to talk to someone who understands and can give you practical advice.
See your GP if you feel you want counselling, or meds to treat anxiety and depression.

Contact the Freedom Programme to be with other women in your situation and learn how you got in this situation in the first place, and how to avoid it in the future.

You can do it. Stay strong.

Would housing benefit not pay the rent? I think on a practical level you need to start benefit claims in your name only and apply for housing and council tax benefit. You didn't say much about what happened last night that ended up with you locking him out - I'm wondering if you've got grounds for an occupation order (which will keep him out of the house) and a non-molestation order (which will keep him away from you). Please call NCDV on 0844 8044 999 for advice.

Thankyou all so much for your replies!

I ahve been on the phone to MIL and SIL this morning and they're being very supportive! I'm afraid OH is controlling adn the only account is in his name -i have the card though and the police have told him to contact a solicitor to sort out property, contact money etc!

They have phoned him from here when they have done another visit andinstructed him to leave the area and offered to meet him with medication, clothes and money - but he made excises! SIL is offering to take him in at her end, and he's just saying he has run out of fuel in the middle of nowhere!

Along with their support and the advice of the police i will contact a family solicitor and get a non-molestation order in police, to cut contact completely and he can take his side through his won solicitor. That way we can arrange contact for the kids and everything else formally from the outset!

I'm a wreck, i cannot believe i am doing this, he is all i have in the world and i swear my heart is going to explode! I LOVE HIM but not what he has become and this is third time with police involvement, last time i fled with the aid of womens aid - i cannot allow another chance to happen! It's hurting so bad, and i feel such a failure for my children, but i know ot's the right thing, no matter how alone i will be!

Whether he gets to SIL's is up to him and then now, he is a grown man and i cannot be held responsible for his illnesses and can no longer continue to break down because of him and his illness and addictions. It's one thing typing this but another going through with it!

I need to contact income support, housing benefit, housing, try and get a banck account -who else?

And where on earth do i start with dd (she's 8) ds has just turned 3 and just keeps asking for daddy! (oh has been out of work a few months due to his illnesses and being unable to work, and he already claims HB although the landlords are not aware!) Oh it's such a mess, i cannot afford this place, HB does not cover it or anywhere near - and last year it took me 4 months to find a house that accepted dss and i had to move to a completely different are and not divulge that i was a benefit bum (which i have never been and it's killing me, i've always had a great career!)

I know this is the start of life but it so feels like the end! ...............

Just thanks all so so so so much! xxxx

You need to prioritise.... Make a list as well

Income
Housing

Those should be first things to sort out

Tbh, leaving all his meds behind when he is an insulin-dependant diabetic, is like someone seriously depressed marching off into the night with 4 packs of paracetamol, they would have a hypo fairly soon, and then go into a coma. In that state he is a serious danger to himself - so can't understand why the police acted the way that they did.

As a first step, if you go to the bank and open your own account, you can then have child benefit, tax credits etc paid into that, and you will have sole control over that.

Hope that you are managing to eat something, and look after yourself.

Take care.

The police have offered to meet him, or take his meds to the police station so he can collect them! He has told them he has collected his meds from the pharmacy as had a prescription on order - but i'm sure it is only for equipment etc.....He is answering their calls so i know they have been checking on him!

I've called the banks and have an appointment on Weds morning, i have also contacted a solicitor who is phoning me back asap in regard to getting an injunction asap - although i am unable to get to their office today due to lack of funds......

Eating, not done that realy since yesterday lunch, except a cereal bar that i forced myself to eat (and i love food) i just am not even thinking about eating!

His family is being very supportive though, although they are miles away! It's nothit me yet, what i'm about to do is cut out the only constant thing i've ever known in my life, and it's had very long persiods of good along with the bad!

You're being so brave and wonderful, well done for making all those calls. Can't be easy. I think you should go to CAB about housing, if the landlord won't renew the tenancy then you will be homeless and the council will have an obligation to house you and the children. I know it's all a bit desperate and scary but it can end up with you living in cheaper, more secure housing.

How are things today OP?