Delicate question about physical disability and intimate things....

[weegiemum]

Hi there, I thought about namechanging but couldn't be bothered.

I've recently become quite seriously disabled. I've lost all my sensation due to something called peripheral neuropathy, I can feel nothing in my hands and lower arms, face below my nose, and from my hips down.

This means I can't feel in my hands when I touch dh (or anyone), I can't feel with my face and my lips are numb, so I can't feel when I kiss, dh or the children. The tip of my tongue is numb for an inch which also affects kissing dh! I have no feeling in my pelvic area, with all the complications you can imagine for that - toileting is occasionally hard but it's more than that, I can't feel it when dh is intimate with me. I can't tell when he is inside me. I can't tell when he touches me. I can't orgasm as I can't feel anything.

Dh is devastated by this. I understand why - he's a totally devoted fabulous husband of 17 years and our sex life has always been good! He can still make love to me but he's feeling really guilty that hen gets something out of it but I don't.

The reality is that with my illness, I'm probably not going to get the sensation back much. I have monthly IV testaments which make it better but not enough better, iyswim!

I don't really know what I'm asking. I might be looking for sympathy! Not sure! How does anyone deal with losing the ability to have sex/feel anything?

I have no worries about dh thinking about this, he loves me, there's never been a moment he thought otherwise. He's a star, I'm very lucky. But he worries about me and what's happened. He's been crying about it. He's a GP and moans he's not seen anyone as ill and disabled as me in the 4 months since I was admitted.

How can I help him to deal with our sex life, cos he's weeping that I can't do it!!

Hey, weegie
I'm disabled, MS, numb hands, but sexuality unaffected so far. I can imagine how tough this is. The MSsociety ha produced various info that might be useful, also outsiders.org.uk (sadly over-involved with sex industry, but still useful for info)
Hope this helps

Thanks Julia for the info, I'll have a look. It's hard cos it's come on so fast! And I haven't lost my libido, just my ability to feel things.

How awful for you and your husband, weegiemum. I hadn't heard of this at all. Do the doctors know what caused it? I'm sorry I can't help with any advice - I've no experience of anything like this.

I can't offer any advice on the main issue here, either, though I really wish I could. One thought I had - it doesn't address the other stuff, but could you get your DH to give you a head massage or brush/stroke your hair (assuming you like that), either as an exchange of intimacy in itself or as a prelude/afterlude to sex? So you both know he is doing something that you do feel, even if ideally it would be something different.

Could you get referred to a sex counsellor/therapist? They must deal with situations like this.

Any other suggestions. He's been working away since Monday and home tonight well after kids have eaten but in time to see them before bed, they're so excited!! (he has to do this every 5th week).

I'd like to make an effort tonight but I'm so out of practice. Nice meal, glass of wine, kids in bed, chance to talk. He's so considerate of my feelings about all this I don't know how to move it on. We've simple tastes, never done anything terribly exciting in bed - pure vanilla I think it gets called. But until now there's never been a time except post childbirth when I've not been keen, but recently not being able to feel him has made me cry and obviously that puts him off a bit.

I want everything to go back to normal so we could resume our simple but satisfying sex life. That's not ever going to happen though! It's very sad.

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weegiemum so very sorry to hear this. Do you have a good memory and imagination for sensation? Can you remember the physical feeling of past times while you are being intimate with DH in the present?

Do you often do things like blowjobs or handjobs? Because obviously those have the same issue of not getting exactly the same back. The pleasure for the woman is psychological, of giving pleasure to someone else (or maybe of having the power to have such a profound impact on someone else).

Would it help to explore this sort of alternative more, so that you're not just doing the same-old-but-broken? You might have to get creative if your hands don't have enough feeling, but it might also help redefine sex between you. And this meaning could perhaps be carried back into vaginal sex, if that's something you'd still like to do.

No getting away from the fact that the situation sucks though. So sorry this has happened.

We have often enjoyed oral, and I'm happy to go on with that even though I have limited sensation in my lips, tongue and mouth. I like doing that, I'll just have to figure out a position ( I can no longer balance on my knees)!! Hand jobs are harder as I can't tell if I'm holding hard enough or too hard (my grip tends to be too firm cos unworried I'll drop things),

I do want to continue with vaginal sex as he loves it so much! But I can feel nothing but his weight on me (which I like) and I can't go on top cos I have no balance and I'm frightened of falling!

I try so hard but the last time we tried we both ended up In tears. I wondered about trying a vibrator (I think dh might like that!!) it might give me more intense stimulation which could make it "happen" but I don't know where to start

I wish I could remember my last orgasm at the start of December! I'd have seared it into my memory if I had known it would be my last!!

I know this is extremely taboo and I will probably be flamed and I am so sorry if it offends you but it is just an idea... Would you be able to feel any sort of anal pleasure? Yet again I am sorry if it offends but I know some people do like it and if the person enjoys it it can be more intense than vaginak sex.

Yet again, I am so sorry if this is offensive.

Could you suggest spending some time exploring to find as many spots as you can that you do get feelings from tonight/next time if this is too late? Trying different types of touches and kisses to see what works and what still gives you pleasure?

Do you talk to each other much during sex? Would doing more of it help any? Or be worth trying anyway. Even as simple as you telling DH what touches work and how they make you feel or him telling you how things you can't feel are for him?

Sorry if they're rubbish suggestions or really obvious things you do anyway. It sounds like such a difficult situation to be in.

It is difficult!

Not at all offended by the anal suggestions but I'm pretty much numb back and front to the waist, and often have to rush to the loo as I don't realise till the last minute that I need!

We do talk, we always did but this situation has made us do so more. But if there's nothing to feel, there's nothing to feel - and some of my nerves are so demyelinated that they are dead.

We did manage last night. It was nice for me and seemed great for him

It's just so sad. How do we have a sex life for the next 40 years like this!!

I wonder if physically stimulating the area, e.g. with a rabbit type toy, which hits all "spots" at once, might trigger an orgasm which is more of a full-body experience.

What about nipple stimulation? Some women can orgasm from that alone - I never have, but can see how it might work if you built up and built up with teasing/not quite touching to start.

I'm really sorry to hear this has happened, BTW, it must be absolutely devestating.

What about some reading material? I haven read My Secret Garden, which I can recommend (book about women's fantasies). Forty Shades of Grey seems to be talked about a lot, but I haven't read it.