I need a game plan re my dad

[buggyRunner]

Hi,
I am currently living in my childhood home with my dp and 2 dd's (2.9 and 9 mths). My dad lives next door but 1- large ish houses so not on my door step.

My dad and I haven't spoken in 2 years. Not fallen out but he's an alcoholic and I try to contact him phone/ email but he rarely responds. I always send cards telling him an update and I love him etc.

I get nothing in return. I used to get the odd pissed phone call but that's stopped. He has never met dc's and missed every birthday since he moved out when I was 15.

He got married and didn't tell me to
Someone 1/2 his age from the Ukraine and when I used to try to visit on Xmas she
wouldn't let me in.

My dais now in australia would meet him once a year and she says he's not in good health.

So I thought I'd take the opportunity (were only here a few weeks) to pop in to see him (I always feel guilty incase he regrests things.

So how should I approach it?

Also I feel stronger to do this as I work in a rehab place so know he's an alcoholic but not that bad iyswim.

Also as a kid I think one of the reasons he distanced himself is I was severely annorexic and he couldn't cope etc. He is a proud ex army guy.

Well done for gettin through the essay !!

God so many sp's! just want a game plan. Dp wants nothing to do with him so can't ask him to come hold my hand

this is going to sound blunt and i apologise for that... but why are you trying to force your way into his life?
he seems not to be very interested in you or your family (no offence meant), so why pursue him?

I just feel guilty incase he doesn't feel as if he can contact me. I'm worried he will die and I'll regret things. I was a Daddys girl until I was 13- I can't believe he just doesn't care
God what if he just doesn't care

oh that must be hard. i think in your shoes i would use your close proximity as a last shot at contacting him. if I was rebuffed again or ignored then i would just stop trying, stop updating etc and just let him get on with his life. i know that might be hard to accept but he just might want to be left alone.

I feel really sad for you buggy (do you really run with your buggy btw? I am a very keen runner too!) anyway, I have no direct experience of this situation but I would say that you seem to have made alot of effort to contact him. I bet he does care but maybe it's just that his life is so chaotic he can't cope with anything else. I'm not excusing him at all, it is very hard to imagine cutting off one of your DCs in the way he has done. Can you email/write to him. If so maybe do that and just say what you have said, that the door is always open and that you would like to see him, like him to see your kids. But then leave it at that. I hate to think of you being disappointed over and over again. I'm sure others will have much more wise advice but I just wanted to respond. Sorry you are going through this.

OP obviously it's up to you, but for me personally, when another adult has ignored me for years on end and is not even letting me into their home, i would really just respect their decision and leave them alone.

i think it will do you more harm than good to cling to the fantasy that your father will do right by you. essentially you're constantly setting up scenarios where you hope he'll "play along" and finally be loving towards you again, but is that really going to happen?

if he wanted to see you i think he would make that clear. in this case it seems he has made it v v clear that he would prefer not to see you... so why put yourself through the pain of yet more rejection iyswim?

i think your DP is quite right in not wanting anything to do with him tbh.

fwiw my own alcoholic father gave up on me too at about the same age (mid/late teens, when he and my mum split up and i started to have problems), for ages he would only ring my once a year on my birthday and it always ruined the day for me. it was so obvious he was only doing it because he wanted to be able to say "well i phone you on your birthday!" iyswim. i always felt so worthless and small on my birthday.

so one year i emailed him to say how hurt i was that he was so uninterested in me. i was hoping it would make him see that i really needed him to be a father to me.

but he just emailed back saying "well i'm sorry you feel that way" and then never contacted me again...
it happens.

just because he's your dad doesn't mean he's a good person, or someone you should have in your life.

I would suggest you go knock on his door and say 'hi dad, how are you' and take it from there - and don't mention problems from the past unless he chooses to raise them.

If you're currently staying so close to him, is there any chance that you'll see him going in and out so that you won't have to stand on his doorstep wondering what his response will be?