Friend with benefits...

[Bewilderedmum]

Long story - ex-dh left over 3 years ago after I found out he was being unfaithful - he has since moved in with the other person. Despite this, and how it felt at the time - things move on, we both worked hard for the sake of the kids, and we get on really well now - he is a really good dad, and supportive - we are mates.

I dipped my toe in the dating scene a while ago - met a nice bloke, but it was too early - we saw each other for a couple of months, and decided we both weren't ready .

Some time later, I met someone else - we saw each other for about a year. He was self employed, could work when he felt like it, mortgage paid off etc, and both kids left home etc.

I had two kids at home, was working and studying, and had the house to sort. After a while, he wanted more out of the relationship, and said that he always felt like he was an after-thought.

In actual fact, I was the afterthought - I sorted out work, and kids, took into consideration what he wanted to do - and ran myself ragged in the process. My needs came last. Not whingeing - we were both in very different positions, and had different expectations.

He wanted to move things up a level -to see more of me, and for me to put more 'effort' into it - I had no extra space or energy to give it - we talked - he ranted, accused me of all sorts of things, being unfaithful (as if! I hadn't time to wipe my nose!) asked how the children would deal with it if we finished, said I was the most damaged person I had ever met, and that I would never meet anyone better than him and all sorts of things - it was all manipulation, and I kinda rolled my eyes and showed him the door.

Some months on - I realise now, that I cannot give time and energy to a 'proper' relationship at this stage in my life. The idea makes me feel claustrophobic tbh - Am just resuming a proper career, instead of a school hours job, after months of study to get back on track - and still don't have time to wipe my arse. Neither do I want to introduce the children to a series of 'boyfriends' who just get fucked off that they can't be the centre of my world.

Aaaanyways - I know it isn't the right time for a 'proper' relationship - BUT - I have this friend 200 miles away - he is a good friend, neither of us are attached, and we are both very busy. I care about him, and am fond of him, as he is me - we have an emotional connection, and get on well.

We go for a weekend away every couple of months or so, when my children are at their dads, we go for long walks, ponder about life, have meals out, and shag each other senseless!!

We are both fine with this, and neither of us wants any more. It gives us something to look forward to - meeting up, the physical stuff, and caring about each other - we keep in touch between times, and are both clear with each other that this is OK. I do care about him, as he does me, but I don't want a relationship as such. And neither does he. It's wrong place and wrong time...

We do each other a lot of good though...

Am I callous/ horrid/damaged/bad?

No, you are not any of those things. You are both adults, you are both single. You could date, you chose not to.

But you can still get hurt. It could get horrid if one of you moves onto someone else or just cuts of communication with the other. But that could also happen if you were 'committed' to each other. These things don't often end well. But you are an adult.

I'm very glad you ditched the manipulative boyfriend BWM. He sounds rubbish.
Erm...I dunno about the FWB. It sounds almost ideal...and who knows, things could knit together when life is less hectic for you both.
However, I do see the potential for hurt here, so I advise you to proceed with caution and with your eyes wide open. x

Thanks guys - much food for thought! There is a potential for hurt definitely - we are both happy with the way things are - but either of us might change at any point -- like you said pancake - that can happen in a committed relationship (and did) but equally, there is the possibility that I or he, might get more attached or find someone else.

Ach - so far, we have been very honest and open with each other about what we want/need, and am tempted to enjoy it for what it is at this moment in time. Part of me thinks I've been through the worst hurt ever, and if I even sense I am getting too attached my self preservation will help me move on - but equally, I do care about him, and don't want to risk hurting him.

I think caution is wise! Am going off to ponder...

Why is life never straightforward? :o

Not any of those things! No!
You are a hard working mum and I take my hat off to you, its tough. I have been there and I know you dont have time to wipe your own butt! I walked round like a zombie half the time. Jeeze good for you that you have attracted some attention for you!!
You have put all your priorities in the right place and if this works for you then have fun! I can understand where the hurt may come in but I feel being a single mum and being so head strong (cos we have to be) you will be able to handle any kind of emotion. You dont know what the future holds. This is your right now and it works for you and fits in with you.
Good luck and have fun I say :)
Now where can I get myself one of those FWB ;)

well done getting out of that relationship. very proud of you.

now for the harder bit :-S
i'll preface this by saying I am by no means a prude.... but I have about as much respect for men/women who engage in long-term FWB situations as they have for themselves.

everyone has needs, but I would be extremely wary of someone, male or female, who had used and been used by someone like that

just my 2 cents.

if you're both happy with the arrangement, good for you :) you shouldn't care what I or anyone else thinks :)

we go for long walks, ponder about life, have meals out, and shag each other senseless!!

Sounds like utopia to me OP. Enjoy

Or even!

Utopia to me too . Enjoy!!!!!

OP,
Make the most of it while it's there. It sounds like you & your FWB are totally honest with each other & respect each other enough, you are both adults so if it works for you & it gives you some support then stick with it.
Blimey, how many people do you hear on MN complaining about boyfriends/partners etc - you have a mutually respective 'relationship' agreeable to you both and a lot of people would die for that.
A FWB has just seen me through a very difficult time which I think would have been a million times worse had I not had that extra something that only a FWB can offer :)

I'd say enjoy it! Your both adults and single and neither wants anymore...so why worry?!? x

You sound more emotionally involved than maybe you care to admit.

I wonder how this might pan out if there wasn't a distance issue- would you want to see more of him- or he you?

Your description makes you sound like lovers- not FWB.

You need to be aware that life doesn't stand still. At some point one of you will want more- or less- either with each other or someone else.

Have you been totally upfront with each other about that? And remember people don't always say what they are really feeling- he may care a lot but not want to tell you, he might not care that much and be just using yo u to fill a gap in his life.

Be careful.

Sounds ace, go for it! I've had 3 FWB's in my life & it's been great each time, though interestingly over time the guy involved always wanted more than FWB arrangement (I think that was more for the sake of ego than actually being in love or anything, though!). One poster mentioned being 'used' in an FWB?-that's a weird comment because FWB's are respectful, fun, friendly, etc-& fit within the boundaries of your lifestyle - go for it!

I wouldn't fancy a FWB relationship, I don't even think we had them 20 years ago, basically if you didn't like someone enough to start out on a relationship with them, you dumped them. I can't think of one person I've ever dated that I would have liked to have kept for sex/meals out but not had a relationship with, ultimately something about them just made me not want to be with them and I would have let it go. It sounds like dating/having sex with men you aren't that fussed about.

I think Henrysmammasums up why I don't like FWB- it works really well for the less keen person, who gets their booty call met. It doesn't work for the more keen people, as they get emotionally involved, then you have to have 'The Talk' and so on. There must be a few instances in which it is totally balanced, but I don' know any.

In this instance, though, you sound like a highly compatible couple who are just a long way away from each other. I'd be surprised if one or the other of you doens't want more over the coming months.

It sounds perfect to me.

I thought I had this sort of set up, but he got all needy and wanted to move in. Hopeless.

Go for it while the going is good.

I'm with Mummy on this one. I haven't dated for many years but when I did, this kind of "relationship" was thought of as someone to go out with until someone better came along- you liked them sure but not that much- OR one person was a bit of a commitment-phobe and not wanting any deeper involvement.

Onahotday your post proves my earlier point: one person always ends up wanting more. So it's never that different from dating.