Do you think this would be okay?

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I really need to sever everything with ExP because he is using the court order to try and threaten/control me He is also trying to 'recruit' ds to use it to threaten me too, although ds isn't playing ball atm.

ExP phones ds three times a week on the landline. He is also trying to get me to send clothes with ds (ExP steals them) and he wants me to share the travelling as well. I haven't spoken to ExP for over 6 years due to the animosity. He criticises us to ds which distresses ds, but there's nothing I can do.

ExP has narcissistic traits and is a control freak. He is manipulative and a bully. He used to take me to court a lot, but ran out of money He pays virtually no child support (£5). I want to sever all links to me. I don't want to be responsible for contact at all as ds is old enough to arrange contact by himself now.

I am thinking that I will change the phone number and get him to phone ds on his mobile instead. I will also make ds responsible for ensuring that any clothes sent with him, return, or ds will have to replace them. He is 14 this year and I just 'want out' of this. I've had years of crap and I don't see how anybody can use a court order in this way - esp. as ds is a teen and the order 'expires' in two and a bit years anyway.

AIBU even though this isn't in AIBU?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I do think you will need to discuss it with your DS though and ensure that he is happy with the proposed set up.

Look at this way. DS is 14 - so only a couple more years.

don't make DS responsible for replacing his clothes - my DS takes one set of spare clothes for the weekend - and puts the dirties straight in to his bag to bring back to me. Can he do that?

Nothing wrong though with getting XP to phone DS on his mobile. At least that way you dn't have to speak to him.

He doesn't go for weekends because of the distance. I can't afford to send enough clothes for the school holidays. I don't mind if he brings them back dirty.

We get ds to answer the phone when his father is due to call. We never pick the phone up, but dh is getting annoyed with his attitude and threats and he doesn't see why we should put up with it.

I have to go out now, be back soon.

Your poor son has to put up with it. Your Dh is an adult and needs to deal with it. for the next couple of years at least. I wouldn't put responsibility for clothes on to your son.

I have to, otherwise he won't bring them back. I can't afford to lose £30 worth of clothes every 6-7 weeks

Does your son want to see him?

Tbh, I wouldn't allow DS to go if he didn't bring his clothes back.
Or send him without as you are doing.

What on earth is he doing with the clothes you have sent?

Yes, he wants to see him.

He has kept clothes in the past, so I stopped sending them a few years ago. This has driven him mad over the years and he bitches about it constantly. The fact that he hasn't given me child support doesn't seem to come in to it. Like a typical narcissist, he believes he's entitled to it all

Your poor DS and poor you. It's fine to refuse any further contact between your XP and yourself, but don't make DS pay for clothes his father steals, that's unfair on DS. He's only 14 and if this man is a spiteful bully it's going to be hard for a 14 year old to stand up to him properly.
If your XP is ringing the landline and being abusive, let him rant to your answerphone and pass the rants on to the police, you don't have to put up with them.

Oh, ExP isn't ranting over the phone to ds, it's more drunken ramblings or snide manipulation. The manipulation is worse though. Fancy asking a teenager if he wants his father to take his mother to court. What a fucker.

I would be trying to help DS cope with these visits, and if it means buying new clothes so be it. Its not for long now and it sounds like your son has enough to cope with. I would talk to him about it a lot and support him and explain that his father is unreasonable and manipulative but that its not you sons fault and you will help him deal with it. You could go around the charity shops for the odd bargain and that might help. Summer is coming so lots of t-shirts. You can do this, you can rise above it all and not get dragged down in the petty stuff, however much it is winding you up and making life difficult.

I would also be trying to arrange some sessions with someone for your son to cope with a manipulative drunken father who he will have to deal with increasingly on his own as he gets older. Now is the time to do it.

Can you record these telephone calls? You do know that if your Ex took you to court they would listen far more to what your DS wants now he is 14.
Does your son have anyone he can talk to independent of the family? Could he talk t o a counsellor at school?

ds has nobody to take to about it. I try to keep him out of it, but when his father does stuff like this and uses him, he does get embroiled and I know that's not good for him. Thankfully he only sees him every few weeks and his time with us is normal and happy and he doesn't seem miserable or anything.

I bought two pairs of jeans for £8 each and two tee shirts for a fiver each yesterday. I'll label them with his name and see if they come back. Keeping clothes is his petty way of attacking me and ensuring that I 'pay' for persuing him for child support. He's unbelievably nasty and petty.

I don't know who to approach to get ds some support. I'm honestly hoping that he doesn't want to go there as much as he gets older. He knows his father is a bully who gets his own way and perhaps ds will get sick of it. I don't know. I know it's his father, but sometimes there's only so much you can take.

At 14 I think you can back off from contact, but don't make DS responsible for his dad's actions. You shouldn't make him replace the clothes.
Have a trip to Primark and send him in cheap stuff!
And I am pretty sure that at 14 any contact order application will take the childs opinion into account so your ex might shoot himself in the arse if he takes you back to court.

Thanks

ds just sees him when it's convenient for ExP really. He has asked not to go a couple of times and ExP was laying on the emotional blackmail, but there was nothing he could do in the end.

You can get bundles of really cheap black t-shirts on ebay, buy in bulk and stock up. Primark etc as someone above suggested, and look out in the sales so you are thinking ahead. Dont lower your self to his petty level. How would he react if you tell your son to leave the clothes there for next time? He might stop bothering then.

Could you talk to the school (as someone above suggested) and your GP about this? Some tactics to cope might make all the difference long term for him. Thank goodness he has you and your DH to provide normality.

I'm loathed to give in because then he'll believe that bullying people is an effective thing to do and it will just make him more puffed up about himself than he already is. I need to stand up to him for my own dignity really, but I understand that ds comes first in all this. I don't want to lower myself, it's just hard sucking it up.

I also believe that he should pay for some clothes for his son because I'm shelling out for everything else. ds has two hobbies which don't come cheap and I save up all year for his birthday/christmas presents. I take good care of him and for his father to complain about a few damn clothes is just so petty and mean minded. He's not buying him things that are big enough and that's not my fault. He should take responsibility for ds when he's there, not rely on me to provide everything. He'll be demanding money for his food/keep next where will it end ifyswim.