confused and no-one to talk to

[NooneImportant]

Hi, I've namechanged for this post, and before reading it I know I'm horrible for posting this...

My husband is the only person I've ever been with and we've been together 9 years and have a toddler dd. Life with him hasn't always been great, and we struggle to get on, which i know is common. My husband is very reclusive and introverted. He doesn't like going places at weekends due to crowds. He's also very hands off at home and with childcare, he will do stuf, but generally has to be asked, and huffing and puffing ensues.

Are personalities are so different and while I love him, it is more like as a best mate. There is no spark there, no desire, no kissing or touching, and when we have sex its always a quickie and feels like its more to achieve a goal. I can get on great with him, but it just feels like a mate who I've known for years. On the other hand he drives me crazy, he worries over money to the point I lie how much stuff costs to avoid a row, he hates meeting up with my family, if my mum comes round while he's at work he always asks 'whu, who else came` etc

I work part time and am finishing my degree, yet I do almost all the domestic stuff, he gets lies in oth Saturday and Sunday. I care for him but am not in love with him anymore. My best mate on the other hand, its the complete opposite. I met him after me and my husband were together, otherwise I'd be with him.... sometimes I wish I could catch my husband cheating or doing something wrong so I could justify to people leaving him, but that won't happen.

I feel like he deserves better than me, someone whose in love with him, but I also feel that its so selfish for me to leave him. He has a family atm, and he says he loves having that to come home to. It wouldnt be fair to rip all that away from him, it wouldnt be fair on our dd, and it wouldn't be fair on his parents... they'd be devestated

I dont know what I'm posting this for, I just needed a place to get it out... I dont have anyone I can talk to in my lifd. Sorry for the long post, I know I'm a bitch for feeling/posting this

Sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes... on a tablet.

You say it wouldn't be fair to rip away his family, or fair on your dd, or fair on your dh's parents.

Is it fair for your DH to be with a woman who doesnt love him? Is it fair for your dd to grow up with parents who are unhappy and to learn the pattern of your relationship as her template for a 'normal' relationship? Is it fair for you to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?

No. You need to talk to your husband and find out if you can fix your marriage (maybe through counselling) or if it is better all round to split. He can still be involved in your DD's life. His parents can be too. And don't worry about upsetting them - think now what you would want for your dd - would you want her to stay with a man she doesn't love for fear of upsetting you?

The only thing I would say is to leave your friend out of the scenario: If you try to sort out your marriage, don't compare your husband to him, and if you decide to leave, don't consider a relationship with the friend until you have been away from your husband for some time.

Good luck.

I think marriage counselling sounds like a good idea. It may be likely that your husband has had similar thoughts to you about the relationship. I agree too that this situation doesn't sound great for your DD to grow up in. from personal experience I have struggled with relationships after growing up in a home with very dysfunctional relationships set as an example. You are not happy. It sounds like your husband is probably not happy either, even if he says he loves his family which is probably true it could be that he is too comfortable. You have been together a long time. Life is too short to just settle and put up with things. You both deserve to be loved and have someone love you. Sort this out now while your DD is young and it shouldn't affect her too much.

You sound like you're incompatible with each other. I don't know what attracted you to this man in the first place but it seems well and truly dead. Breaking up can never be 'fair' because someone always ends up feeling hard done by. But staying together out of some sense of duty is not fair either. I think you're being diverted by the prospect of your friend being a new, improved replacement and it's important to understand that the grass may not be greener in that particular direction. Anyone can sparkle when you don't have to live with them 24/7

I think you owe it to your husband to be honest about how you feel. Then take it from there.

Hi, sorry I haven't been back on, had end of semester uni stuff. To clarify, nothing would ever happen with the friend, this is somewhere, despite feelings, that is a no go to me.

I understand how this can effect our DD, which is why I want to find a resolution. I grew up in a house with a very disfunctional relationship between my parents. My mother stayed way longer than she wanted for the sake or 'her kids', which just damaged us further.

I've got counciling lined up for just me on Friday to try and work out what I really want/need. I've told my H before how I feel, but either I take it back because I don't like hurting him, or he doesn't really listen to what I'm saying anyway.

His parents have been so good to me, and aren't in-laws from Hell, and I just feel like I'll be throwing everything back in their face if me and H split up.

It just kills me living like roommates, we don't hug, kiss or show affection, and to be honest I've lost any desire to do so. The thought of being without him used to make me feel ill, and the thought of him with another women was unthinkable, but now the thought of him with someone else brings a feeling of relief, a weight off my shoulders. I'd love for him to be happy with someone.

Whatever decision I come to... I just can't see this ending well :(

Forget your in-laws, him and even your child for a moment. You only get one shot at life and it's just plain wrong to prioritise everyone else's life over yours out of ...what... a feeling of duty? guilt? obligation? Is this how you're planning to spend the next fifty years? Can you see yourself growing old still with this man and still feeling like this? When a relationship is dead, it's dead and the fact that you'd like him to have an affair or go under a bus (wild guess) means it's dead. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault... sometimes the wrong people get together or stay together too long.

It won't end well short-term because break-ups never do. It'll be painful and you'll feel guilty. But once you are no longer saddled with this lazy, unaffectionate, anti-social, worry-wort you'll find life is far better. He'll survive.