my husband is a git, but i have no intention of leaving him

[stitch]

thought id mention the middle ground here.

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ggg,
I think lots of people go through the cycle of trying to fix it first, determination to see it through to the end because hes my childrens father, total misery, then divorced bliss. does that sound apt?

stitch
Like you, Ill never be rid of dx, for the same reasons I guess. Can really sympathise about having to bite your tongue about his b*y ideas.

yep anniemac, Im speaking from personal experience of course!

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Hi Anniemac,

Re your comment:-
MeerkatsUnite - surely you are not being serious suggesting that Stitch leave her hubby.

Noooooooo but this particular lady has been unhappy for a long time. Her DH's behaviour towards her is far more unreasonable than the sort of behaviours that all people can exhibit from time to time. You think that clothes being returned because he does not like them and withholding of funds is not somehow abusive?.

I did not suggest that particular course of action anywhere and I would not suggest that first off anyway. She gave reasons for staying - I responded accordingly under her original replies.

I would say that generally speaking it is far better for the children not to see such destructive controlling behaviours in a relationships between their parents in the first place.

Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents. Controlling relationships where one parent dominates the other are far from beneficial for children to see when growing up as they themselves can grow up thinking that such behaviour is normal. They could then act out such patterns themselves.

I would say that there is a tendency for some of the mumsnet hardcore to bay "Leave him!" very quickly, which I think can be counter-productive. Some women start posting on here about abusive relationships which they don't even realise at first are abusive. They need support and time to get to grips with it all. They then get fearful that the support of mn will be withdrawn because they haven't take the advice to DTMFA, to borrow expat's phrase.

Anniemac,

That's quite allright. No offence was at all taken.

P.S Perhaps I should have written it clearer re the clothes. My problem with the clothes being returned is not because he doesn't think they suit her, its because they are being returned because he's thinking that such clothes will give her more attention from men!!. There are many examples of this particular controlling type of behaviour shown by such men to women.

Two of my RL friends are in abusive relationships; infact one divorced her first abusive DH only to end up with another partner who treats her just as badly. The oher is currently undergoing counselling with her DH.

I cannot (much as I'd like to though)tell them what to do - I can only listen and give support. In the end though they have to come to a decision themselves.

i am humbled by the posts on this thread.
thank you all for being good friends.
yes, my problems do run quite deep. something i had not fully reallised till mn. originally i had started this thread as a lighthearted response to the other two threads about loving your h, and about leaving him.
meerkat, i had not replied to your post, as i was in such a happy mood, head in the sand, not wanting to think about real issues sort of thing. and what you said is so true, i didnt want to give a flippant answer.
but anni, what you say is also true.
ndp, ggg, what you say is so true too. my sister says that if she thought i had given this relationship my 100% best, and still this was all i got out of it, then she would unreservedly support me in leaving him. but she thinks that i havent. im not quite the saint i portray myself to be on mn.

Hi Stitch,

Re your comment:-
"meerkat, i had not replied to your post, as i was in such a happy mood, head in the sand, not wanting to think about real issues sort of thing. and what you said is so true, i didnt want to give a flippant answer".

that's quite allright. I just wrote my responses to your own simply to make you think some more about your own situation. After all you are the only one that really knows because you are living it.

I wish you well whatever may transpire. You have my full support.

Meerkats

dinosaur - completely agree with what you say.

stitch,

ive just been reading this thread and it seems we have a bit in common, my dh is controlling i don't know if he actually realises it though, i feel like rapunzel sometimes i work for him from home for start everything i do goes through him first mr dh is same with clothes although i have my own money we have been to relate which i would strongly recommend, having said that we have been on two seperate occasions (lots of appts) but here we are again i am very unhappy in my relationship and i feel very sad thinking about it as i keep telling myself he will change and it will get better, but its not if i am completely honest i am only here for my kids i wish i had the courage to leave him. as for mn advice you have to make your mind up what is right for you and dh. completely sympathise with you

Stitch, sorry you feel so let down by him. I constantly moan about my dh too, but he has never tried to control me or tell me what to do. I admire you for being so honest about your feelings. Hope everything works out for you.

stitch, it was me who started the ' my husband is lovely and i love him dearly' thread , which was actually intended as a mumsnet excorcism (sp?). i've been spending far too much time on here at the expense of real life. have tried plain old willpower to give it up, but that didn't work, so i thought, deliberatly start a contentious thread, hoping that someone would please make me flounce (i'm not really the idiot i made myself sound like, honest!)

i know you started this one as a lighthearted response to it and other threads like it, but i had to let you know that i really hope that things work out for you in your relationship