He's finally left us and I don't know how to go on

[SpiderManMum]

Hi, you might remember my thread a few weeks ago about having suspicions that DH was having an affair because of his personality change. Well I've muddled through the last few weeks allowing him to maipulate me and abuse me emotionally by throwing me 'glimmers' of hope which I now know to have been just attempts to appease his guilt over what he was doing.

Anyway, long story short whilst he hasn't the balls to admit to his affair, he has decided that its over, done and dusted without a hint of emotion or remorse. I am devastated. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions getting my hopes up when he puts a X at the end of a text or does the ironing or something stupid.

I already have copies of every financial document with my parents so can cope on a practical level but emotionally I am torn and in pieces and I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I don't have many friends and find it very difficult to open up to family. My weight has dropped to just under 8st and I feel like my life it over. How will I ever recover from the fact that the man I loved with all my heart could just walk out on me and our beautiful 5 year old so easily. I don't know how to get through each hour let alone the rest of my life. My heart has been torn apart.

You can go to your GP and ask what support there could be if you are so torn that you are losing that much weight, perhaps antidepressants for a short time might help. You could try and go to a CODA meeting, which is a support group for relationships (more importantly somewhere you can talk anonymously, and learn to look after yourself). Reconnect with friends. Talk to family. Open up. It will help. Why on earth defend him, shout it out from the roof tops. If you just can't, then find and therapist and talk to them, they will listen and help you organise your thoughts. Don't isolate. Can you go and stay with a friend or family member that you get on with, just for a few days to get away. Book a short holiday. Take your child out of school and go to disneyland, it will distract you. Go shopping and get new clothes, makeup, beauty treatments. And remember this is not the worst thing that could ever happen, you will get through it, and you will be happier than living with an abusive cheat.

Oh and kick him out of the house and change the locks.

indeed as daffy says its the best thing that can happen to you. You and your 5 year old have each other stay strong as you can for them, take a breather and then try to come up with a plan for a new life. change things, look after yourself, and then get dating again. life will move on.... good luck

"I don't know how to get through each hour let alone the rest of my life"

There was a corny song once called 'One Day At A Time' and that's rather how you have to approach this. It's a grieving process which means that some days you won't be able to get out of bed and others you'll feel more together. As time goes on the together days will outstrip the duvet days... you just have to grit your teeth long enough for it to happen.

What helps a lot is making plans for the day, the week, the future. Staying busy at all costs. Even if it's small stuff at first, the less time you give yourself to sit in silence and hashing over what happened in your mind, and the more you can occupy your waking hours with activity, the quicker you'll get from where you are now to something more manageable. Resist any ideas of contacting him.... do keep reminding yourself what a nasty shit he is.

Do find a trusted friend or family member you can be honest with. Pick them carefully, obviously... Sharing the way you feel with someone else can be very therapeutic.

It's a horrible thing to happen and, having been there, you have my sympathy. It's a pity we can't hit a >> Fast Forward>> button but, be reassured, a few weeks from now you'll be feeling far stronger and less bruised. Good luck

One step, one minute, one day....gradually you will piece yourself together.

Many have felt like this, me too for different reasons.

you will be ok.

It takes time.
sorry

He isn't worth this pain....but you are.

I have been exactly where you are and although i'm only 5mths along i promise you it does get easier. I still have days where i cry and find even thinking about what to have for tea a massive chore. All i can say is try and plan your week as best you can. I find weekends the hardest but i make sure there is something to do. I know how you feel to get those kisses, it does give you hope but you will get angry soon. Please don't let him call all the shots, i wish i had been stronger in the beginning. I gave him all the power. Tell him you will be fine and you and your beautiful 5 yr old will have a good life without having to feel that horrible anxiety about him! That will eat you up!!
Now, i am sad for my children but there is some sort of peace. Limiting contact is the best thing you can do to heal yourself. Big hugs, i promise you will be ok x p.s tell him you can do your own ironing x

Thank you all for your advice. Annie I am filled with anxiety to the point where I am physically shaking and wanting to be sick when I'm going to see him or I get another text saying that he isn't coming round to see DS when he promised. It is like I've woken up in hell.

Everyone says that DS and I will be the winners in all of this but how can that be true when he hasn't an ounce of emotional upset, has a nice little set up sorted in a friends house and can continue to have all the contact he wants with the son who's life he has shattered? To me, he is the winner here but I pray to god that one day I will feel differently. x

spide you will feel differently one day..dont forget you are grieving, which has many emotions, anger, denial, sadness, finally will come acceptance..you are not in a nice place >>AT THE MOMOENT... but i promise it will get easier and more bearable to live with..chin up girl ..(ps i have been there)

I searched and found your other thread and I think what's made this worse is the suddenness of it all. From what you said on that thread, he changed from being a loving husband to a cold stranger within a week? My guess is that the catalyst for that was he'd slept with the OW and it suddenly became 'real'.

All the time since he has been plotting his exit until it was convenient for him to leave.

I think therefore you need to acknowledge that this is your personal hell right now. And you've got no choice but to go through it and get as much support as you can while it lasts. Because I think you're still in shock at the speed of this, you won't be able to see any opportunities or bright spots on the horizon. That will come later. Right now, you need to treat this as the trauma that it is and not minimise it.

In terms of your feelings for him and the continued relationship you must have because of your son, the best way of protecting yourself is to have very little personal contact with him and instil some very firm boundaries. No coming into the house to see your son - he sees him at his place or out for the day. No discussions about your relationship either. Perfunctory and businesslike communications only. You need to erect a wall around you that he will not be allowed to permeate.

This will help you to feel you've got some control during this mad turbulence and it will comfort you more than you can imagine. It will also go some way to restoring your self-respect.

hatty is spot on....you need to detach and take back some control in this relationship. Hes got his new life and he has you dangling on a string too. You will not be able to move on until you have balanced the power in this relationship. You dont have to be mean, but you do need to accept that he has moved on.

COnsider what it would need to take him back.....would you just welcome him with open arms and forgiveness...NO! so stop those desperate thoughts and hopes in your head and start putting some ground rules in place for the future. Seal up your heart whenever dealing with him.

"can continue to have all the contact he wants with the son who's life he has shattered? "

This is something you can control. Make the contact in a regular schedule and location that you determine rather than letting it be too casual and all going his way. Agree with keeping contact very specific and business-like rather than trying to remain friendly.

What everybody else says about one day at a time too.

But on the 'it feels like he is the winner' point - I have heard a GP of many years experience say that in his experience, a few years on after a marriage ending, most of the people (this is regardless of whether men or women) who were on the receiving end of the devastating news are ok, while 100% of the people (again regardless of gender) who decided to end it are a mess (and this despite any other factors of meeting new people, having more children etc). That is all about guilt. It is only one person's experience, but I think it is consistent with what I have seen in friends. And in my own experience (I was on the receiving end).

In time, you will be fine. It does take time.

It hurts unbearably now. That will change in time. You will, in time, find yourself in a much better place, feeling happier and stronger in yourself than you ever thought possible.

You have your beautiful child so take strength and comfort from that. You will get through this. I speak from experience.

Spider, you can do this, honestly you can. A lot of what you are experiencing is shock. You can't get your head round the fact that someone you thought would always be there for you has turned into a stranger. I still think about us being back together and then i kick myself HARD, because what sort of life would it be? Always looking over my shoulder waiting for it to happen again!!!That is no life , it would be a living hell. How dare they have no remorse, let karma take care of them. We will be ok :) Get angry girl. I did the crying,begging and i hate myself for it.Lots of hugs xx

Great advice from everyone.

Yes set soem boundaries even if it feels hard to stand up for yourself (dont know your history). Where possible avoid contact, think twice before texting/emailing/ringing and only do it if its necessary. Trust me its a good feeling when you have allowed some terrible painful emotion where you have wanted to punish them or reach out to them depending on your mood but resisited.

I have been there too , its absolutely the worst most all encompassing horrible time of my life even though throughout I knew it was for the best for us all. However you will survive and bit by bit by bit you will start to rebuild your life.

I always knew I wouldnt be destroyed and eventually I would be OK , what I didnt know was that eventually ( just over a year ish) I would be happier, calmer and more at peace than I could ever remember.

Can't take the pain away, but you'll always get support on here , no wait -

Hugs OP. What an absolutely awful time for you.
Time is an amazing healer, you will get through this and come out the other side much stronger and happier x