Anyone got a 'Relate' success story

[Toots]

Once again DP and I are moping around like wounded birds after another hurtful day. We're both very thin-skinned and seem to spend quite a lot of time resenting each other.

We regularly pledge to be nicer, but often fail. Problems start when one of us reacts to what or how we've been talked to by the other, then things escalate. We fancy each other and say 'I love you' and stuff, but we just don't get the best out of each other.

I have this notion that Relate might illuminate some stuff for us, and critically, give us some tools to communicate with each other in a way that doesn't cause things to fire up.

It's so petty, we're both faithful, reliable it's just this bickering and bitching really hurts.

Sorry, bit long. I'd love to hear from people who's bickery, bitchy relationship was turned around in six weeks. Joke, although that WOULD be great. But just to hear about what happens at Relate, what it brings up and whether people have got what they wanted or expected from it would be really interesting.

Hello, anyone got something they can tell me?

I spilled many beans in my earlier message, and it's probably a bit of a tedious read, but would love to hear from anyone.

Sorry Toots, I have no experience of relate but I'm sure plenty of mumsnetters do - don't forget that a lot of people only log on from work and you will prob get some good responses tomorrow.

Hope you can sort our your problems, for what it's worth I would have thought it would be worth trying Relate or something similar.

toots....this sounds very much like me and my dh....waiting to hear of some advice with you..

I went to Relate some years ago. I think it can work as long as you are both honest with each other and the counsellor. Also, you must both want to go. My ex wasn't very pleased when I booked the appointment but that was probably because he was having an affair at the time and couldn't be very honest! Seriously though, I believe it can work if you're both committed. I was really up for it but obviously the other person wasn't and that was where it fell down in my case.

Don't know any stories but didn't want you to feel ignored.

I have a second hand success story. Some friends went and found it very helpful, helped them to understand each other's viewpoint.

I think the main thing is that you both feel you are doing your best if you go to Relate, as in putting in the 'work'. I think that can be reassuring in itself.

Went to Relate a year ago as dp and I were rowing and I was worried about the effect on dd. We too suffered with a great deal of endless resentment (me because dp went out a lot and didn't help enough at home, him for losing so much of his freedom). We were so busy attacking eachother that we never understood eachother's points of view.

We only ever had one session - at the time I felt so much better that he had made the effort to attend something that he really hated and thought was a waste of time that it was enough to turn things around and restore some good feelings. The counsellor was excellent. Her key point was that we were both OK people, neither of us was "bad", and that the problems were not about us individually but about how we related to eachother. Simple but vital information which stopped us ( for a while!) trying to destroy eachother as people -eg "you are lazy good for nothing b*** "instead of "I really need more help and I'd like us to talk about changing how we divide things up in the house".

The counsellor hit the nail on the head as far as I was concerned and I was impressed that in such a short space of time she had identified the key issues between us. I remember being shocked (and feeling very emotional) to reach an understanding in just one session of why I tolerated dp neglecting me so much.

To be honest I would have loved to have had more sessions, but I knew that dp hated the idea of telling personal stuff to a stranger. We agreed that we would go back if we couldn't improve the relationship by ourselves, and although things could always be better and have occasionally hit serious lows they are nothing like as consistenly awful as they were back then. If things ever got so bad that we were preparing to split up I know we'd try counselling first.

A friend of mine has been having couple counselling for about 5 months now and she thinks it has helped to some degree. The first few months she hated it and felt it was a waste of time. I kept telling her I thought it would take longer than she thought and to persevere, and to remember that a lot of men would simply run a mile rather than go to counselling, so to respect her dh for making the effort.

With regard to Relate, our experience was that we went on a waiting list for an initial appointment - I think it took a couple of months- and after that appointment we could put our name down on a waiting list for further sessions, but if we changed our minds we could simply decline to go. By putting your name down you leave the door open and your regular sessions may start as soon as 6 weeks after that first appointment (it will be a lot longer if you can only attend in the evenings though).

My Dad was a Relate counsellor for 20 years, so I may be biassed, but I would really recommend it.

As various other people have said on here, you can be just regular sorts of people with basic relationship issues and still get lots out of your Relate sessions. Lots of people just need to (re-learn) how to communicate with one another, and the presence of a neutral third party can be really helpful at allowing / enabling you to do this without tearing each other apart. Yes, it can be a bit embarrassing the first (or even second time),opening up in front of someone you don't know, but somehow once you get started it's very therapeutic.

DH and I went to someone (not my dad obviously!), about 2 years into our now 10 year marriage, because we just couldn't find a way to communicate any more - just silly little things blowing up into major rows. We found it very useful, only had 6 sessions, and still make lots of use of the techniques we learned. We often talk about how worthwhile it was. Good luck if you decide to do it.

dh and I sought help from relate and found it to be very useful, I think we attended fortnightly for over a year, at one point being referred to another counsellor who was trained in sex therapy!

I found it very useful to have a mediator in the room as we discussed stressful issues; money, free time, sex... We recognised how beneficial it was to have an afternoon to ourselves, ds, our only child at that time, went to the childminders and after the session with the counsellor we went out for lunch and talked.

That was 7 years ago, now when things deteriorate we have coping strategies, I know to give him space, he knows I need to be heard and we realise we need quality time together so plan it.

I really do recommend giving it a go toots, particularly if dp/h is up for it, what have you got o lose?

Good luck, thinking of you.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sounds very helpful, and like it can really have long term benefits.

Got to the nub of what was making him so agressive this weekend, and we're friends again. I shocked him into calming down and talking about what was going on, by saying I wasn't prepared to live with someone who talked to me like this, and if he wanted to continue then he should expect me to leave him. That's when he told me that he'd felt pushed into getting up with DD everyday last week (I have sleep problems when I'm getting up with her)and felt resentful as she is getting up rather early at the moment.

His family don't talk things through or argue (just boil quietly) but he did agree that saying 'actually, you're going to have to do Thursday, I'm feeling really fed up and knackered' would have been fine with me, rather than being shouted at all weekend.

So....I'm going to put our name down for an intro session. I'll tell him, don't want him picking up the phone to them!

Popyscal, sorry you go through this too. DP and I coined a term for ourselves last night - the Squabblings, made up of squabble and sibling. We aren't brother and sister btw, just have similar traits