Petty but entirely justifiable rant re usually lovely SMIL

[openerofjars]

I am 8 mo pg and SMIL (StepMIL), who can a bit funny sometimes (and likes to dramatise things) but is an absolute diamond and who treats me like a daughter, has just phoned up to mention that she'd like to see imminent DC2 a bit sooner than she got to see DS as she feels she and FIL really missed out on his first couple of weeks.

I reminded her that she had been in contact with family who had chicken pox, the day after DS was born, and that was why she and FIL had been asked to stay away from him (and from the maternity hospital!) for a couple of weeks.

She denied this and said it was because we hadn't wanted them there and they had felt bad about it for the last 3.5 years!

I have just been on the dreaded FB to check details and, sure enough, I'm right: chicken pox visit etc. I would never have banned them from seeing DS, never. Banned from the delivery room, sure, but I was more than happy to have visitors the day after he was born, and did - unless they were carrying nasty lethal-to-newborn-babies viruses. I feel really hurt and narky that she's got this false memory of me being a PFB cow after DS was born and now it's too late in the evening to call her and set the record straight, so I have to wait until tomorrow.

FFS.

By the way, this isn't an AIBU, just a rant. And I know there are people with real problems out there, but this is bugging me, as we usually have a great relationship and she's been going around possibly telling people all about it.

Can I have a huge packet of biscuits now please?

Bumping this.

DH called his dad and apparently SMiL has a lot on her mind and isn't getting a lot of sleep at the mo' so is in a bit of a muddle. Fair enough, I think, but erm, same here! Plus I am still working, looking after a toddler and 8mo pg and getting really painful BH contractions when I get tired and stressed. But I need to remember that this isn't about me or the baby. Argh.

FIL also just remembered that they didn't want to come to the hospital when DS was born in case they bumped into MIL, and then by the time DS and I were discharged they had found out about the chicken pox contact and agreed not to endanger newborn DS.

So DH and his dad have agreed that it's all bygones and DH has reassured his parents that they will be welcome to meet DC2 whenever I am up to visitors after the birth and that, if they manage not to get exposed to any diseases again this time, they will be welcomed with open arms as long as they make the tea rather than hogging the sofa and demanding drinks and bring biscuits this time and as long as SMiL doesn't start up with her standard new baby visiting routine of what a crap job I'm doing looking after the baby, which seems to be some kind of rite of passage that must be endured by any female member of the family as soon after birth as possible .

Okay, sorry, hormones. But I really needed to get that out somehow without phoning them and don't want to rant at DH, who is insisting on being all calm and reasonable. . And I do love them really, but sheesh.

Well I'm glad your DH has spoken to FIL and it's as sorted as it can be!

For some strange reason there's nothing more guaranteed to turn normally sane family members into MILzillas than a new baby. They get all... well, it's not their hormones, but you'd think it was.

I suppose "she's in a muddle" is the nearest thing to an apology you're likely to get.

Wow. I am really impressed that you managed to sort it all out so quickly! In our family something like that would have run and run and run

Trust me, it was all down to DH and his amazing ability to work his dad and stepmum. I'd have gone in there all whiny and aggrieved, and we would still be talking about it ten years later and nervously changing the subject which is why I just typed about it.

Okay, for my SMiL bingo card I am making that will keep me sane after DC2 is born, I have:

"Give him/her here, you're doing it all wrong"

"Ooh, these young mums, eh? Haven't got a clue, have they!" (I am 34)

"Poor DS, has your Mummy been ignoring you since DC2 arrived?"

"I'd love a cup of tea, if you're offering"

"No no, MrJars, Jars can get it for me. You look tired"

"You're going to bf this one as well? Oh well."

"They get so emotional, these young mums, don't they?"

And finally

"Well, we'll be off now [four hours later], see you tomorrow at the same time".

She is great - really - unless you've just had a baby, when Satan possesses her and sends her forth upon the earth to do his bidding, spreading hormonal rage and despondency in her wake, kind of thing.

Any more suggestions for the bingo card are welcome.

How about long ranty moans about her other (real!) DIL who parents in exactly the same way as you...

We were going to get a gift but its all so expensive and its just commercialism isnt it.

Thats probably just my sMIL tho.

Oh yes, the comparisons. We don't get moans, we get "other GCs are so smart/funny/cute/etc" non-stop during any visit, but to be fair I would put money on her doing exactly the same re mini-Jars #1 & 2 when she visits SIL. In fact, she may well be pissing SIL off with pregnancy weight gain comparisons as I type.

We get gifts, but "we got you this enormous plastic inappropriate thing that won't fit into your house and doesn't meet EU safety standards and is covered on stains for pence at the car boot but will be dreadfully offended if you don't like it" a fair bit.

Vile ingrates, we are. How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a mardy DIL, just wait until I'm a MIL etc etc.

Can almost picture her!

Got to give credit to your DH for handling the chickenpox thing, get him to deal with the inevitable stuff when DC2 arrives too!

Always read MIL threads in hope of seeing my SIL rant about my mum, but SIL is far far too tactful, sadly!

BIt harsh Chakra

My ex FIL is actually my eldests step grandad, but he loves them just as much as the others, treats them exactly the same and is to them, their Grandad. MY MIL however is a total bitch to her son, her grandaughter and me.

Blood isnt everything you know.

Yours, maybe. I have some fairly weird biological relations as well, so to me, blood means fairly little apart from sharing the same funny nose/sprout allergy/peculiar upbringing/whatever. If someone spends years raising a person, they are parenting them, whether they share DNA or not, and whether they do a poor job or are amazing, they are still a parent.

I was brought up by my own stepmother and she's ace, so have nothing against step parents at all. Just bitching about one particular relative and her fairly bizarre behaviour. She could be my own mother and I'd still complain about her nuttiness if she did what she did last week.

Chakra, blood has nothing to do with the ability to love someone.

Your SMIL is not very nice, doesnt mean that all step relatives are not very nice.