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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hmm AIBU expecting my partner not to masturbate?

39 replies

SweetPea91 · 24/04/2012 21:57

An odd thread to start considering it is my first but never the less. My partner has been very distant from me since being pregnant. I am 5 months now. Intermittent affection and complete lack of any sexual contact. Being a young pregnant woman at 21 and trying to accept my body is not looking it's best and having the worry of looking unattractive, especially to your partner really isn't easy. A few days ago I caught him masturbating in the bathroom whilst I was making dinner. And I feel really quite hurt....maybe even a little betrayed which I feel is silly to say. Considering he's been so distant and uninterested in me I was shocked and it confirmed it for me that maybe I do really look THAT unattractive that he feels he has to masturbate rather than be intimate with me. We have had an argument about it and he thinks it's all resolved, but I still feel awkward about it. Am I over reacting :/?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 23:04

Wasn't it Malificence who said on here that men shouldn't masturbate? Or maybe it was her husband.

Original poster
SweetPea91 · 24/04/2012 23:24

Well we have discussed it briefly. I don't really want to completely divulge in to my relationship too much, but it is a very difficult one to say the least and I have experienced violence and still do in this relationship which he is now getting help for. It's difficult to bring up certain subjects due to this. I really would like to talk to him about this but I don't want to cause any unwanted arguments.

OP posts:
Malificence · 25/04/2012 08:16

No, I've never said that Hmm.

I do think that he's hugely selfish, depriving you of a sex life but taking care of his own needs.

I couldn't bear to be with a man who didn't want sex with me while pregnant, it's a huge red flag imo. A man who feels like that has some worrying issues.

diddl · 25/04/2012 08:31

"I do think that he's hugely selfish, depriving you of a sex life but taking care of his own needs."

I agree with that-although there are times when you want "release" but not sex.

But I also find not wanting sex with a pregnant woman-especially if she wants sex, odd.

You´re still the same person!

AgathaFusty · 25/04/2012 08:35

SweetPea91 - you say there has been violence in this relationship, and that you find it difficult to discuss certain subjects? It sounds like you have more to worry about than him masturbating. Is the abuse situation improving at all?

AgathaFusty · 25/04/2012 08:45

Could his withdrawal affection and sex be controlling actions, therefore another form of abuse?

helpyourself · 25/04/2012 09:07

Sorry OP, but his bathroom activities are the least of your worries. He's been violent in the past and you're now pregnant and are still experiencing violence - you're in danger and should get out asap.

lou2321 · 25/04/2012 09:18

I don't think the OP is saying her DP can't masturbate, its about the fact he won't go near her.

Surely you just need to ask him why he is distant etc, you will probably need to be blunt about it as you need to get to the bottom of it.

I know everyone masturbates but if DH and I were having a 'dry spell' or something then it would upset me if I caught him masturbating as I would wonder why he didn't want to be close to me. I was so insecure when I was pregnant and we didn't have sex for the first 4 or 5 months as I felt so sick and tired and hated everyone. After that things got back to normal but I was paranoid about the whole situation.

Deep down I know it is wrong to feel like this as the two aren't connected really but you can't help how you feel, if I was in your position OP I would be upset but I would definitely communicate with him to sort it out!

lou2321 · 25/04/2012 09:21

Sorry, I missed the 'violence' post. You still need to talk to him, can you do it with a counsellor instead then if he is getting help.

This is such a concerning post as you are actually scared to talk to him. I really have no advice for you but you need to do something!

tallwivglasses · 25/04/2012 09:28

Sweetpea, here is an excellent place to divulge about your relationship or just vent if you need to. If you're worried about him finding out, clear your history. There's another topic on here that's more secret if that would help (pm me).

Lots of people here can help you. Read some other threads because the advice given could help you too.

This pregnancy should be a magical time for you - not a fearful time. I'm sad for you.

theonewiththenoisychild · 25/04/2012 09:38

I felt the same when i found out my dp had been watching pay per view i think it was the porn part that annoyed me i dont mind my dp going in the bathroom to do it without a visual picture of another woman. I was due to have my baby and was deffinatly in no mood for anything but sleep so would have suited me fine if he had gone in the bathroom to relieve his sexual tension but he didnt he cost us money by using pay per view and was looking at another woman while he did it and that bothered me a lot in fact i threw him out. I felt cheated and unattractive and i was annoyed that while i was in pain in bed at night sometimes so much pain i was crying he was getting off on looking at someone else so i completely understand how you feel Sad

TheHappyHissy · 25/04/2012 09:52

With the ongoing violence against you, i'd say that this IS categoric proof that he IS in fact a WANKER... so tbh, that's to be expected.

What help is this prize getting? if he's still hitting, shoving, kicking, punching you, a 21yo PG woman.... it's not working (and most definitely NEVER will)

Get out. Just seriously, get yourself OUT. You are worth more than this, your baby is worth more than this.

Oh yes, DON'T put his name on the birth certificate, under any circumstances. He will gain PR then and you will be forced to hand over your baby to an abuser for access visits.

Please contact WA and see what they can do to help you. Get legal advice too.

You need to get this DV logged and a papertrail started. You may be rehoused, you will be better off without this creep.

theonewiththenoisychild · 25/04/2012 10:09

I didnt see the bit about violence thats completely different Sad

Malificence · 25/04/2012 11:31

I missed the violence part too Sad
He sounds abusive and withdrawing from sex with you is just another form of control, it doesn;t sound like he cares about your needs at all.

As regards Busters comments -
Imo, a man who doesn't find pregnant women attractive is a worrying prospect, it should be a question asked of a man before entering a serious relationship with the possibility of children. A pregnant woman not wanting sex is not the same as a man not wanting sex with his pregnant partner, the former has hormonal and physiological reasons for going off sex. There is something wrong with a man who doesn't find his pregnant partner sexually attractive - at the very least he isn't emotionally mature.

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