Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Money - I earn less

17 replies

something2say · 24/04/2012 19:32

Hiya, I need some advice.

Got a lovely new boyfriend, but he is in a different financial bracket to me. He has got a lot nicer house, seriously, and a load in the bank and goes out often to gigs and then there might be dinner and drinks at the gig.

I work for a charity, have a lovely but shit 2 bed flat with no garden (altho we do have the best times at my house lol!) - I got in trouble lately cos foolishly I supported an ex, and it ate all my savings and I allowed myself to get 2k in the hock on a card. And my car / washing machine / laptop / shower are all on their way out.

I save as much as I can and leave a hundred to play with. That goes 10, 20 here and there on the nights out. I always pay my way. It means no holiday, or clothes and it runs out around the 20th each month meaning I have a) nothing to go out on anymore or b) going out and putting maybe 60 a month on my card.

I have spoken to him about this as it worries me a lot. There is no-one to help me because I don't have a family so I have to get it together. He was lovely and said he didn't want to be a drain on me at all and he completely understands and he is going to help me find a way to earn a bit more. I am very independent. My Dad got done over by several women when we were kids and I never understood why they thought he should pay for them all the time. So I want to be worthy of him, be well dressed at all these greats things he takes me to and gets me in free to, be able to pay my way, be able to go out and have fun with this wonderful new man - but I have to put massive breaks on due to the situation IIIII got my own self into.

Any advice? Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 19:34

I forgot to say that due to his job and the amount he probably is worth, I think he is quite cagey about money and wary of being ripped off by someone who thinks that because he has more money, he should automatically pay, and because of my Dad, I too feel that it is very important that I am equal. Its just that I can't keep up with him. Unless I find more work in my spare time.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2012 19:38

I think you are quite right to want to pay your own way and to make it clear when you can't afford something. Same as you would with any friend with expensive tastes, basically. If he wants to treat you to a night out, that would be a nice gesture and you wouldn't be wrong to accept but, as you clearly value your independence and it makes you uncomfortable, try to deter him from doing it too often.

MamaChoo · 24/04/2012 19:38

Yes. Please stop thinking things like 'I want to be worthy of him'. That way madness and possible abuse lies. Self-esteem is valuable but costs no money. As long as you are honest - and you have been - about your financial situation then there is no reason why you should not accept gifts or dates he wants to treat you to, as often as you are comfortable with. Its not taking advantage if he offers.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:01

I don't think this is right, you know.

If you had a friend now who earned a lot less than you, would you keep asking her to come out with you and spend an identical amount, knowing it's making her really broke?

I know you want to be independent, and you're right to want that, but he can afford to be generous. He must like you - he's going out with you and (I assume) sleeping with you. I think that is really tight that you are having to pay for a higher level night life when you just can't afford it.

OK, yes, have him help you get a better job, but in the meantime, can't he take you out for a drink or a meal occasionally?

oikopolis · 24/04/2012 20:08

"I want to be worthy of him"? are you serious??

OP please, slap yourself around the head. money should not be an issue. he should not be cagey about you "taking advantage of him" and you should not be getting into debt to please him.

live within your means, if he wants more meals out etc then he needs to pay for them. it's really that simple.

if he wanted someone who earned as much as him, he should have put an ad in the paper and quoted an acceptable figure.

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 20:17

Half of it is me. I have insisted. I could see the imbalance early, and I addressed it. He has taken me out this month though, twice. My money ran out. I believe he would cover me. But I still feel out of balance about it.

Re the comment that I want to be worthy of him, I guess I mean that I want to be his equal.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:18

Can I ask what happens when you go out? Do you pay 50:50 or do you treat him one time and he treats you the next?

What happened when you first meet?

Has he ever bought you a meal?

He stays at your house more than you're at his, I think you said. Do you spend more than him on food etc at home?

Just wondering, that's all!

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 20:30

We go fifty fifty when we go out. We each pay for the food at our own houses, but he has started paying for more, or rather bringing it round. He has bought me stuff for my flat unasked for and I bought him a serving spoon! His mate paid for our dinner and then he paid for mine. I took him out for dinner last month. He takes to me his gigs (he is a musician) and his mates' gigs and I get in free. He is taking me to everything he can when I am not working and he takes me to stuff at the weekend and I was in a video he had to be in once! He is taking me to festivals this summer as well and has been making noises about New York. I had to say no to that as I wouldn't have anything to take.

Or rather, I would, but my car has 153k on it.....so in the bank it has to go..... he is amazing as well, when I stress out about this he is so kind...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:38

Is he a famous person?

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:39

But you shouldn't have to stress out about it. It's as though you think you're being greedy because he's buying you a meal or a drink. Really, that's ridiculous.

Wouldn't you buy a friend a drink if they earned a lot less than you?

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 20:40

ImperialBlether is has been yes!!! When he first played himself on jools holland and various youtubes I was so embarrassed that we were sitting on the floor of my red carpet crossed legged!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:40

I know he's wary of golddiggers, but surely he can see you're not like that?

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:40

Oh god, I'm DYING to know who he is!

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 20:41

IB, really??? I have had friends, in fact one whole friend group, who always thought that I'd pay for everything, and drive, when we went out. I work, they don't, I pay for my stuff therefore I have it etc. This guy is talented and gutsy and has made his own way. Why should I automatically benefit from that when I have not done so myself?

OP posts:

Original poster

something2say · 24/04/2012 20:42

I think he is wary of gold diggers yes. I am not one. But I am skinter than he is.

However, only for now, I will see to it that I sort it out. ;)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:45

I'm not saying you should benefit from that; I'm just saying it's quite normal for a boyfriend to take you out for a meal without thinking you're after him for his money.

I wonder why you put up with your friends expecting you to pay for everything and drive, too. That's a completely different scenario, to be honest. Expecting someone to do something is rude. I'm talking about your boyfriend saying "Let's go for a meal tonight, my treat."

It would be great if he could help you get a job with more money.

Berts · 25/04/2012 06:11

Hi OP,

You seem to have been over-affected by what you saw your dad going through growing up. But there is a middle-ground between letting someone be nice to you and taking your boyfriend for a ride! Believe me, my ex was always insistent that we were 50/50 on absolutely everything, even though he earned three times as much as me. Turned out he was just mean.

Me and my DH, at times I've earned almost all the household income, at times he has, but we're a partnership.

However, your main issue is that you are currently putting 60 quid a month on cards because your salary doesn't meet your lifestyle. You don't live with your boyfriend, so you are not yet a partnership, so this is your responsibility. You need to think seriously about getting a second job, or just have a serious talk with your boyfriend along the lines of: 'I can't afford to do this stuff, but I don't want to have you paying my way, so can we just do stuff together that I can afford.'

Flip