Help me setting lovely healthy new BOUNDARIES

[Berts]

And yes, I did feel like shouting BOUNDARIES, because traditionally I haven't had many, so I want these to be firm.

Having a whole life review thing going on lately, culling toxic friendships, looking back over mistakes made, and the common theme is that I am very bad as setting healthy boundaries and standing up for myself.

So, now that I've got all the 'not getting into relationships with EA men' and 'cutting off frenemies who make me feel bad' stuff out of the way, here are some new, smaller steps I am setting myself.

• I will say something polite, yet firm, when I get slow service/cold food at the local cafe (the staff are lovely, but not v on the ball);

• I will go back to my hairdressers and point out that - although she has given me some really nice cuts in the past - the most recent trim was a bit of a disaster and has undone my nice do so it now looks like a cowpat with split ends. How can we fix this, together, constructively? (I think she is cross with me, because I went from cut and blow dries to wet cuts, because the blow dry costs an extra tenner and I am skint...)

Anyone else got points to add - nice cheerful stuff please, as I really need a break from threads where I discuss past horrible things.

Good for you Berts.

• Do something nice for yourself, just for you, once a day.
• Do the same for someone else who deserves it
• Accept something nice from someone else, because you deserve it

That's what I've been trying to do every day since my recent split from

I struggle with number 1!

Try not say 'sorry' unless you really, really are genuinely sorry - not just to make someone else feel better.

Someone once told me that boundaries have to include your own behaviour towards yourself too. :)

Never do (or internally say) anything to yourself that you wouldn't do/say to someone else.

Eg. Don't mentally say to yourself 'I'm so ugly' or 'I'm so stupid' when you wouldn't dream of saying it to another human being.

I will only spend time with people that make me feel better than I did before... any miserable, moany types will be quietly reduced to a pile of smoking embers :)

Learn to say 'I'm sorry, but no.' and let that be.

(Note to self!!)

Lovely! And in true MN sty-lee, I am training myself to say 'Did you mean that to sound so rude?'

PillarBox, YY to 'do something nice for yourself, once a day' and all of your list. If you struggle with one, maybe start small with something like stocking the house with little chocolate drink sachets, or fancy tea, for when you want something nice and comforting?

Or just make yourself sit and watch a nice TV programme for half an hour, or read a good book, without feeling you should be doing something useful/checking emails/ on MN - it really does make a difference to your head.

In addition to new boundaries, we could have suggestions for nice things you can do for yourself once a day

I really need this nice fluffy thread today

One of my favourite nice/comforting things is a really hot bath with nice bath salts or oils, and a slightly too expensive moisturiser afterward (am not rich but one of my deliberate little treats).

If I'm feeling really decadent, I'll add a couple scented candles and a glass of wine.

The difference in mood before and after is amazing.

I don't like all that negative 'toxic friendships' stuff and all the over-assertion. Isn't it better to focus on good people? That's what I have been doing recently, make more of an effort with the people I like that way the others fade into the background. The hairdresser and cafe thing - vote with your feet and don't go back, or tell them what you want - with a smile on your face, and see where it goes.

I find flylady helps me a lot - for those home routines, makes me feel a lot more positive.

Try and join a group of some kind - book group, choir, community club etc. Getting together with people with a shared interest is very inspiring.

horsetowater - I'm sure you didn't mean to come over as critical and a little bit mean towards me when you told me you don't like the way I say things and that I'm over-assertive. The whole point of this thread is to leave bad stuff behind and focus on creating good, positive things. I find that cutting toxic people out of my life leaves more time to focus on good people.

I'm setting my own boundaries here, so I choose to characterise my former friendship with a particular person as 'toxic'. You may choose a different term to describe people who are bullying and mean, that's up to you.

I also choose to complain - politely and kindly - about poor service rather than walk away as a first option. Of course I won't really tell my hairdresser she made my hair look like a cowpat with split ends - I was thinking something more along the lines of 'You gave me a really great cut three months ago, but it's gone a bit off track - can we try to get it back to how it was, because you did a really good job.' I know she is a good hairdresser, so I could spend the next five haircuts shopping around, with no idea what the results will be, or I could be assertive and get a good haircut. That is the way I'm going to deal with it, other people can do it their way.

I like your suggestions about joining groups - singing groups can be especially good for making you feel good and positive and most do not expect amazing singing talent, just a decent voice and a positive attitude.

Well done Berts.I have had to teach one of my DDs this too. She is lovely and quiet and gentle, but did used to be a bit of a doormat.She wasnt bothered about it until she left school and got into the arena of adults. What we do together is , now she is mature enough to realise, we examine each thing that she is uncomfortable about, and devise a strategy of what to do about it. Because like you, she doesnt want to be walked over, she is willing to gently comfront a person, who 9 times out of 10 is apologetic.It has somewhat transformed her, and now, within a short space of time, is able to be a caring boss, of several other people her age.

Good for you Berts. I think we all need to balance assertion with being doormats too nice.

This thread could be a happy, healthy response to the cathartic, useful, but ultimately quite sad red flags thread!

There are probably helpful books to google.There normally are with these things.

You could also try "A Woman in Your Own Right", a book by Anne Dickson which is all about assertiveness basically.

amillionyears - that sounds brilliant, what you're doing with your daughter - if everyone's mum was like you, the world would be a happier place!

I truly believe, as you and your DD have proved, that if we are kindly and politely and constructively assertive, it usually leads to a positive outcome for everyone. With my ex-friend, maybe if I'd pointed out much earlier on that her behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable, she'd have realised how offensive she was being and our twenty year friendship could have been saved. Or not, but then the outcome would have been no different.

And PillarBox - that's exactly what I hoped. I've been on the Red Flags, Stately Homes and other threads recently about bad relationships and it was really getting me down, so I thought it would be nice to think about moving forward.

I've found The 10 Minute Life Coach by Fiona Harrold incredibly useful in helping me to love and value myself and to build a positive and caring outlook on life.

Also, I was going over some of my 10 Minute Life Coach 'homework' tonight and found a note to myself that I'd forgotten: "I will trust my own judgements and recollections." Seems a good one to keep in mind .

Bert that's good that you are making changes in your life that work for you. I admire anyone that can change habits in this way the older you get the harder it is and when you have children and other people to look after it becomes almost impossible.

Sorry if what I said came across wrong, I don't want to pick it all apart but I was talking about the principles behind 'love yourself' and 'culling friendships' and wasn't talking about you specifically. I should have kept that to myself I guess.

The suggestion I made about the hairdressers was positive and backs up what you want to do. I think it does depend whether you live in a village where there is one cafe and one hairdressers or whether you live in a city with hundreds. I'm not sure of your situation, so I offered both alternatives.

I'm in a similar position with my hairdresser - basically she's too expensive (aren't they all) but I don't want to lose her because she's good and does the whole family. I wonder if I could ask to make a deal with her.

I think asking for things with a smile on your face works wonders. I went out with a friend recently who wanted to complain about slow service, but actually we weren't in a hurry and it spoilt our time together focusing on this rather than just chatting.

So, I would add 'don't sweat the small stuff', culling shit relationships/very destructive friendships has to be the most important thing you can do to improve your quality of life.

One of the first questions I ask my daughter is , what is that person like to everyone else.If, as is sometimes the case, they have pretty rude behaviour to everyone, then I tell her to pretty much ignore how they are acting, or else take it up with their boss.It means that that persons behaviour is not personal to you.And most other people have the same problem with them.And you could ask the others how they handle it.
Second I ask , do you think that person was having a bad day. We all have bad days, and may have to be excused, though you could try for an apology, and often they will confess that they were having a bad day.Smiles all round.
Thirdly, I ask her if she knows if they have yuk things going on in their lives. More tricky this one, and much more individual to the person and the situation.

Ah, sorry horsetowater - lot of stuff going on at the mo and I feel like I have no skin, never mind thin skin x