Dad being verbally abusive and threatening to Mum, what should I do?

[ShouldIGetInvolved]

Namechanged.

Background - Dad has a history of MH issues, is medicated and has not been as bad over the last few years. I have a lot of awful memories of how he treated my Mum as I was growing up and I used to try to defend her all the time but he got threatening and nasty to me for doing that so I eventually stopped and adopted my Mum's philosophy of not rocking the boat for a quiet life-it never sat right with me though and my blood boils on every occasion I see them and I witness how he treats her.

He was the main reason I never went and lived with them again after leaving to go to University at 18. I now live about an hour and a half away from them and have my own young family.

The last few days she has been very upset (so upset she is unable to speak to me about it) as he has been nasty and threatening to her again, not violent (so she says) but shouting loudly right in her face and scaring her. As usual he shows no remorse after the event and will not accept or admit that his behaviour is wrong/unacceptable.

He is a charmer (aren't they all?) and no-one outside of our immediate family would ever guess he is capable of this nasty, scary, threatening behaviour.

My question is, what do I do with this information? Confront him? Ignore it?

I hate knowing that this is what goes on between them but as adults who have been together for 40 years is it my business to get involved? My Mum has put up with his rubbish for all this time.....

Sometimes I fear for my Mum's life and wonder what he is capable of, and then I think I'm just being paranoid.

So confused :(

I am so sorry to hear this for you and your mum. Have you thought of calling an organisation like Women's Aid on your mums behalf and asking for their advice? I think if your instinct is so strong that you sometimes fear for her life then you should definitely do something because you know your parents and have a 'gut feeling' which definitely does not sound paranoid.
I know this isn't very helpful but I think confronting your dad may possibly make things worse as he could take it out on her in private?? Obviously you know him, though, so this may not be true.

I think it is your right as a daughter to get involved, especially as you would be doing it out of concern and love for your mum.

Thanks mostly happy, yes it isn't a great situation.

I will give Women's Aid a call and see what they say.

Thank you for your post.

Do you know, my Dad would always scream at me when I tried to intercept him/stick up for my Mum, that it was none of my business.....err....I think it is my business when you're hurting my mum in front of my very eyes. I am not that scared child now and do speak up a bit thank god.

What an arsehole :(

I think there is a point with elderly (?) parents where the responsibility shifts around and you become parent to them. In that regard I'd say it is not exactly your responsibility to step in and protect your mother but that it is a legitimate position to take if you choose to. I would give her an escape route (staying with you?) and, once she accepts it, then confront him about his behaviour. You're right, you're not a scared child any more.... she sounds very scared.

What Cogito said.