For sake of children?

[mostlyhappy]

I have posted a couple of times before but essentially am in same dilemma and have been for long time. I would appreciate other people's perspectives as I don't feel like I can think clearly anymore.

I have been with my DP for 8 years, we have a DD aged 3 and DS aged 5. My relationship with partner is 'rocky'. We are fine for a few months (save the odd argument but nothing too serious) and then have a massive row. This has not happened for approx 5 months but this weekend we did have a serious argument which made me think seriously about whether I want to stay with him.

I think the basic problem is we are incompatible - we have very different views and values. I find him uncommunicative, unfeeling and highly critical. He finds me patronising and 'false' (as I apparently pretend to be cheery to people).

This weekends argument had started simmering as we were generally irritated with each other but I found him quite threatening saying 'I'm warning you, don't f*cking start'. I tried to laugh this off asking what he was going to do and was he threatening me (I know this was stupid but it annoys me so much that he gets so angry) but he kept repeating this in a very angry shout. I know he wouldn't be physically violent towards me but can be extremely hurtful/angry/verbally abusive during a row. He then started saying that he was much more intelligent than me and asked what qualifications I had, saying that I didn't have very many. I know how utterly ridiculous this sounds but I'm including that bit of detail because that is an example of how ridiculous our rows get!

I used to be shocked by how hurtful he could be in a row (as though bottling all his anger at me up for the occasion as seemingly fine rest of time) when he accused me of being emotionally unbalanced/a fantasist/hysterical/a liar etc etc but then I started retaliating and now I suppose I am equally hurtful and personal during rows unfortunately. I am trying to give a balanced view here and know it's not at all good that I'm mud-slinging as well but it's hard to sit and allow someone to verbally attack you and not try to laugh it off/respond.

I do believe that he has a bad temper and can get annoyed with me/take comments as personal criticism very easily so I sometimes find myself treading on egg-shells and equally sometimes find myself getting 'sulky'. He tells me I am the one who has a temper and who is emotionally abusive (I told him once that I thought he was EA after reading loads about it on this site). I hate the fact that I'm saying such unpleasant things to him too and this is one of the reasons I feel we would be better separating - to allow us both to be happy and possibly make 'happy' relationships in the future with other people.

I am worried about effect on children of rows (they've seen us both shouting - especially older one - sadly and I know separating is also difficult for them to deal with but maybe better for all than this? We have tried counselling couple of times and he tried anger management but this doesn't seem to have done much for us.

Can anyone offer their perspective? Thanks!

My perspective is that children are far better off in a happy, calm, relaxed home with one parent than they are in a home with a bad atmosphere, vicious shouting & two parents, one of whom is being regularly abused and belittled by the other. Separating will only be difficult for them to deal with if you make it that way. They are 3 and 5 and therefore they do not need to know the ins and outs and will be quite happy with the explanation that mummy and daddy live in different houses.

Thanks, Cogito, I am sure you're right. I talked to my mum about it and her response was that I have a right to be happy but that I should wait a couple of years until I get some more independence and my career back (currently a SAHM) and build up more hobbies/social life on my own in the meantime (she was really supportive, luckily as we're very close). My parents both had affairs when I was a child and I would absolutely never dream of doing this but I do feel lonely in what is basically a very difficult and inconsistent relationship.

Staying for the sake of the children is never a good idea as it teaches the children that the foundations of their parents relationship was based overall on lies.

Would disagree with your mother on one point; waiting a couple more years before leaving is not a good idea and is just postponing the inevitable. Also delaying gives him even more time to grind you down even more. Make plans to leave whilst you still have some fight and will within you!.

Also what cogito wrote earlier.

Does your mum realise the extent of the problem or have you glossed over some of the gorier details to save face? Make plans to leave, start saving up, get a job etc. but don't think 'years', think 'weeks'. The longer you stick around this man the more he will condition you to accept his behaviour and the harder it could be potentially for the children.

You are right, Attila, I do feel ground down. He told me during one row that no-one would ever want me now I've got two kids. It made me feel very unattractive and undesirable. The thing is now, though, I feel that being eternally single might be the answer anyhow! I'm certainly not in a rush to meet someone else.

I don't know if I've glossed over the details, Cogito, I do tell her some things but have only confided in her a few times as I don't feel it's fair really - I know it makes her worry. She stayed with my father even though she had serious doubts about their compatability (and his many affairs) but now says some days she thinks she should have left, other days she's glad they stuck it out. I feel depressed at the prospect of 'sticking it out' though. I've gone past wondering who is right and who is wrong - I think we can both be deeply unpleasant to each other some of the time, and, as you say, that's not healthy for the children to witness. We often have good, romantic, even loving times. Sadly, though, a lot of the time is spent feeling we are making each other miserable.

I have enough money from own savings to keep me and kids going for approx 18 months so don't want to rush in to a job as that would mean putting them back in full-time nursery/after school etc.

Thanks very much for advice.