DH having midlife crisis affair

[sadandscaredtoday]

DH admitted last night that he has been having an affair with one of my 'friends'. He has been forty this year and has really struggled with it changed sensible car for hard top sport thing last year and almost changed it this year for soft top all classic midlife crisis type behaviour. Plus in the last year he has tracked down his birth mother (adopted at 6 weeks of age) and meet her for the first time.
Our relationship has not been great for a few years not bad, but not great. I work long hours - a short week is 48 hours a long week can top 70 hours running my own business. We also have a letting business with several properties. In addition I do 80% of the running around of our DC, all the cooking, all the washing, organising cleaner and ironing lady. He empties the bins, takes the out, mows the lawn and looks after DD 20% of the time while I work nights and weekends.
I am prepared to give our relationship a go and work at it to improve things, but he is not certain that he wants to or that it can get better. I know he needs to do more, but which ever way I put it to him he thinks he is doing plenty.
I really am looking for support rather than anything else whilst this plays out.

Sorry about the nasty shock you've had but I think you trivialise what's going on by calling it a mid-life crisis affair. We all reach points in our lives where we have to decide whether this is as good as it gets or we're going to do something to change the future. Can happen at 20, 40 or 60... age is immaterial. He has made particular choices because he's presumably decided that the status quo isn't what he wants any more and maybe he fears death is on the horizon, who knows? It's an incredibly selfish thing to do and you must be feeling very upset about the betrayal but it is no reflection on anything you've done or not done. By the same token, doing things differently, 'giving it a go' and 'improving things' are not the way this is going to play out. He has no intention of changing and you can't make it OK solo.

Make him leave. Let him go. Let him find out he's making a big mistake and you get on with your life. If/when he discovers the grass isn't greener, take great pleasure in telling him you now have a life of your own that doesn't include him.

Why do you want to want to stay with him?

You've been getting a terrible deal here - life with a lazy, unfaithful and spendthrift man who's had an affair with your friend and gives nothing to your relationship other than workload.

What's stopping you thinking you're worth more than that? Or that your children aren't seeing a terrible example of inequality in a relationship?

A mid-life crisis affair? Really - poor him having to grow up. Getting old is better than the alternative though!

Toughen up 1st of all - he'll continue to walk all over you as long as you let him.

He's having an affair cos he's a selfish bastard. he and your friend have betrayed you! Why are you minimising this??

So sorry - I know too well how shocked and devastated you must be feeling

Please do not make any decisions - you need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings.

Remember that the affair was his choice - instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc, he selfishly decided to solve his issues by shagging your friend

We are here for you and in the meantime, I would suggest getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends to read.

I know you all mean well, but ultimately I feel we can survive this and be stronger and better for it. Yes, he made the decision to have an affair, but I also have to accept that the degeneration of our relationship that culminated in the affair was at least partly my fault.
Why do I want to stay with him - because I really love him and the thought of life without him is unbearable. I believe that people make mistakes and that sometimes we need to forgive them.

Yes, you both can survive this BUT your H needs to be 100% committed to the marriage and work bloody hard in helping you recover and repairing the damage done and look into himself to understand why he made the choice of having an affair instead of resolving issues.

You both have 50% responsibility for the relationship but the affair is 100% his responsibility so he has to take FULL responsibility for his actions.

Of course you love him but sadly its not enough to fix things - he has a lot of hard work to do and if he is not certain, its no good I am afraid

That's really dangerous thinking. The affair probably had nothing to do with your efforts in the relationship and is just the opposite in fact. It happened because your husband wasn't as committed to your relationship as you, as evidenced by the inequality in effort and workloads that you describe. It's far more likely that because your husband wasn't putting as much as he needed to into your relationship, he didn't have the motivation to say no to an affair. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it is this particular cause and effect because it's a different one actually. Reduced effort and attention to the relationship = self-permission to have an affair.

It is exactly why you didn't have an affair instead. Because you were making efforts.

I agree with MAHC that if your husband is also ambivalent, there's no point in trying to rescue the relationship. It's a mistake to stay with someone who's done this and isn't sure he wants you. It's a very unhealthy power dynamic and will set the tone of your relationship forever more, especially as you have been the one making more effort thus far.

"Why do I want to stay with him - because I really love him and the thought of life without him is unbearable"

Not really. It's because you're in shock. You thought life was heading in a straight line one way, and you've now been told it's done a 180 degree turn for when you were totally unprepared. He's had many months to get used to this new information, making plans, seeing someone new etc. You've had five minutes and aren't reacting rationally. The thought of life without him may be unbearable at the moment but that's only because you think there is an alternative. There probably isn't. Give it a few weeks and I guarantee you'll feel differently. You'll be rightly cross, you'll stop blaming yourself and you'll be glad to see the back of him.

My ex-husband had an affair (2 years behind my back). I was heartbroken and like you would do anything to save it as I couldn't imagine my life without him - that is a natural reaction but that WILL change. I was prepared to give it a go (I was stupid) but he was not as committed as I was so it failed. He has to be behind it 100% otherwise it won't work - I guarantee you. x

OP, I was adopted at 6 weeks old and I'm turning 40 next month and I wouldn't DREAM of having an affair.

You're making excuses for him.

Your post is all about your husband, but the more important thing is - how are YOU? You must be going through hell. xxx

You can make a relationship work after an affair. It does happen. But it won't happen if he isn't crawling on his knees begging your forgiveness for his disgusting behaviour to you. Sounds as if your DH isn't even sure if he wants to. Taking him back now will only make him disrespect you even more in the long run. He'll see you as a push over and that he can get away with any behaviour.