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Original poster

Is he doing coke? Should I confront him?

18 replies

fluffyshoes · 24/04/2012 10:39

My DH of 9 years has been trying to quit cannabis after 10+ years of abuse. It caused him to be really nasty to me and I suffered terribly during this time. It seems that he has been doing really well. However, during the last week he has started disappearing into the bathroom (for approx 10 mins) more frequently than before. His mood is a bit over the place at the moment, but I've been putting that down to him quitting the cannabis. He has also been sniffing a bit, but then we all had a cold fairly recently, so it could be that lingering.

Today I went into the bathroom and found a TINY bit of white powder on the floor next to the toilet. I'm trying to think what household substance it could be? We don't have talculm power. He has tried coke before, but wasn't impressed and promised he wouldn't do it again. I think he did it again when he had to do an all-nighter at work and I told him that I will not accept him doing it.

Now, I know I'm very paranoid about him and what he may be doing because I've been lied to so much in the past. I'm not keen on confronting him until I'm 100% sure what's going on. Is there a way to test the substance? Our relationship is at breaking point and I need to be sure before I go to him with this.

Thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2012 10:45

Your relationship is not at breaking point, it has broken down. For 10 years you have endured hardship because of his addiction to one substance, what on earth have you got to lose by confronting him with your suspicions? You are not paranoid... it is pretty reasonable to assume a moody, sniffing man with a history of drug addiction spending undue amounts of time in the bathroom and leaving traces of powder behind is snorting coke.

You may have said 'I will not accept' and he may have 'promised' but your actions -10 years of second chances and tolerating abuse - say you are actually quite happy with his behaviour and his promises are clearly not worth a candle.

Confront him and take it from there.

akaemmafrost · 24/04/2012 10:50

Probably. Do you have dc? Just a thought but what of one of them got hold of it?

From what you say I would get him out.

I don't think you need to wait for proof or for someone on mumsnet to confirm if he is taking coke. Sounds like he has done enough already.

My ex brought coke into the house when we had babies and I had nightmares for weeks about my dc having got hold of it. In hindsight I should have called the police when I found it and had him removed there and then.

chipsandmushypeas · 24/04/2012 10:54

Sounds like he is, sorry. What a horrible thing to bring into your house. I would hit the fucking roof.

Being sniffly/having cold and flu symptoms are from doing coke btw

StrawberrytallCAKE · 24/04/2012 10:56

After 10 years I think that you have suffered because you have stayed not because of what he has done, do something for yourself and leave him! You don't need to have a horrible life wondering whether your dh has done coke.

Original poster
fluffyshoes · 24/04/2012 11:03

He has only started coming off the cannabis in the last 2 weeks, so mood swings are pretty much expected. I have been driving myself crazy about him secretly having joints and I do believe he has been doing well so far. This is the best he's ever done, he knows I will leave if he goes back to cannabis.

I am not at all OK with his behavior, I have just tried my best to help him and not run of and leave him. I have been trying to be supportive although that has left me a shell of the woman I used to be. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

I can't just chuck him out without being sure.

We have DD (6). This is what scares me more than anything. I'm about to go into hospital for a few days, so it's probably not the best time to confront him. I need to be around.

OP posts:
StrawberrytallCAKE · 24/04/2012 11:13

I'm really sorry you have to go in to hospital and sorry also if I was harsh, I have been in a situation similar to this before I met my dh and had dd. My ex was an emotional vampire who took drugs and lied. He only got better after I left him and his life hit rock bottom but by that time I had regained my confidence and realised that I had been an idiot staying with him and trying to help and 'fix' him. I can see it must be a lot more complicated with a dd.

You don't have to have finding drugs as a reason to end the relationship, you can end it because you are emotionally and physically exhausted. It is not a good thing for your dd to see you like this and the stress on your body can make you seriously ill.

I really hope everything goes well for you and maybe when you are a bit stronger and out of hospital you can have a look at the situation again and consider whether it is worth it.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 11:18

He could be coke, speed, or any other drug that comes in white powder form.

My ex was a big weed smoker and, eventually, became a heavy cocaine user. It is horrible to be around.

Who is looking after your DD when you are in hospital?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2012 11:59

"I am not at all OK with his behavior, I have just tried my best to help him and not run of and leave him."

What you call 'try my best' he interprets as 'she's OK with it'. You're being tolerant, he sees it as accepting. That's the problem

FateLovesTheFearless · 24/04/2012 12:03

8 years of being married to a heavy cannabis user. That was me. Nearly a year separated and I have never looked back. Leave him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/04/2012 12:15

I have been trying to be supportive although that has left me a shell of the woman I used to be. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

There are no prizes for suffering, you know.

Right now, you are making your happiness dependent on his changing. Wrong assumption: Only you are in charge of your own happiness.

I can't just chuck him out without being sure.

Sure you can. All you need to decide whether you want this relationship - with a man you don't trust and who has been nasty to you for a decade - or not. You don't need proof to have "permission" to leave. Being unhappy is a good enough reason. Any reason is a good enough reason: it's your choice whether you want to stay or not.

cuteboots · 24/04/2012 12:23

my ex brought drugs into my flat when his son was about 3 . He will never get another chance as far as Im concerned. I still have nightmares about what could have happened if his son had got hold of them?!

scarletforya · 24/04/2012 13:09

I know you can't lick the toilet floor but if you find it again on a flat surface (such as the toilet cistern etc) taste it and if it's bitter then it probably is coke.

You can also see tell-tale scraping and chopping marks if it was done on a shiny surface and often then finger swipes where the user licked their finger and mopped up any residue.

Sniffing and a streaming nose are definite giveaways too.

WhiteShores · 24/04/2012 13:42

Just another little heads up... has he had any small strange packages coming through the mail (or is he quick to get the mail before you see it)?

There's an absolute buffet of legal research chemicals available now (mostly all white powder), which can simply be ordered online and then delivered to your door.

Their effects are just as powerful as illegal drugs (some even more so), and ridiculously easy to get ahold of. (I work in healthcare)

WineGoggles · 24/04/2012 13:55

Fluffyshoes, is he getting any professional help in dealing with quitting cannabis?

Original poster
fluffyshoes · 24/04/2012 16:33

He came back from work early to check on how I was feeling. He was being really sweet, took me out for lunch and then fell asleep for 30 mins or so. That doesn't sound right?! If he was doing coke wouldn't he be hyper and no appetite? This was 3 hours after he left in the morning, would it have worn off by then.

You see I may be being unfairly harsh on him, I may well be paranoid, but I still have this uneasy feeling.

This is his last chance to quit the cannabis, I walked out with DD a few weeks ago and only returned when he swore this was the last time. I need to give him that chance, he has done so well. And his behavior is so different without the cannabis, he is that sweet man that I married again.

If he fails, or moves on to to coke, then it's over. I will have done everything I can.

He was in the bathroom again when I left to collect DD. Maybe he's having stomach issues Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyshoes · 24/04/2012 16:38

WineGoggles- He's not having any help with the cannabis addiction, he doesn't want it recorded officially that he has a problem.

MagsAloof - My parents will take DD while I am away so that DH can continue with work.

WhiteShores - I'm always up before him, I always get the post. He knows someone at work that can get coke easily enough.

OP posts:
UnChartered · 24/04/2012 16:43

if he's been smoking weed all that time, he's very likely been using other substances as well

if he's serious about giving up and getting help, he can get anonymous support (from a charitable organisation) - the line (sorry for the pun) about not having it on record is bollocks i'm afraid.

Proudnscary · 24/04/2012 16:52

It's perfectly possibly and quite usual for a coke user to fall asleep - in fact especially at slight an odd time ie middle of the day.

If it were me I would keep on snooping - I'm not saying that's right by the way and many would disagree with me and say 'if you don't trust him it's over anyway'. It's just what I would definitely do. I'd check money/accounts, pockets, emails, check for powder etc, check his pupils (are they dilated?).

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