Help.............everything is falling apart

[whatdoIdo15]

I am gutted. I love my partner but something is going wrong. He clashes constantly with my teenage son. I feel it is my fault maybe that in the past I have ignored certain issues with dp and excepted things the way they were. Now it is not going to be the case that I can excuse arguements dp has with my son. This morning all hell has broken to the extent my relationship may be over. My son simply had a poison toe and we were quite happily chatting about him going doctors ect. I sugested to ds that it may have been his trainer that rubbed it and caused it to infect up. I asked dp to look at his toe, while ds got his trainer to compare the rub with the folds. Then holy hell broke loose. Dp always sounds arguementative somehow. Has to go on, in his shouty manner, it is not the shoe that has caused it, it may be just because it is poisoned anyway that the shoe now hurts. This is fine, the opinion, but poor Ds is trying to say it is rubbing it, but it is always like Dp never takes anything anyone says or has to be to full on like he does not believe them. Ds then mumbles, 'well I need new shoes anyway' and then Dp had a go at ds badly for being cheeky/cocky. I sat depressed as I brought up the trainer part not ds. Dp then decided to bring up all the things he is not happy with to ds about ds. I go upstairs sorting out dd and hear him going on, 'what, you not talking to me now then?' I came down the stairs thinking this cant go on and stepped in with my opinion. I usually keep stum to a degree as dp is so full on. Which I think is beginning to make me realize that ds is going to have problems soon if I don't do something about it. It is all rather petty I know but dp instantly sees it as ds being bad/cheeky and me taking sides? Even though I didnt see it as our ds being bad dp wont have it. Our relationship was brought up about being over? Poor ds had to go to school with dp and I feel deeply upset about the strain on the kids. It is not isolated incident, I wrote a long post only earlier this week and decided not to post it up about dp and his constant picking at ds. I tried to hug dp and tried in a sympathetic voice that I think he has his reasons for not thinking people listen to him and that him being fairly deaf (ear wax problems) contributes to the way he speaks but he would not have it. He is dyslexic and seems frustrated when trying to express himself but wont see it that he sounds argumentative most of the time. He always says no one listens to him and he has no opinion in anything. I may try to butt in sometimes when he is sounding off or disagreeable because I have to keep the peace. Confused.

I take it that your DS is not your partner's son? Regardless, what an awful atmosphere for your poor DS to have to live with. You say he's a teenager - how old is he? If he's 13 and saying he needs new trainers it's quite different to a 19 year old demanding a pair.

I would find the constant belittling of my child untenable and could not live with someone who did that.

He sounds horrible. What a role model for your teenage son.

I think if the relationship is over then that may not be such a bad thing in the long run, though it can feel pretty bad right now.

What strikes me as really sad is how you did not defend your son. How you let this awful man that your child has to share his home with, go on and on and on, while you simply left the room to deal with a different child.

And even more sad, how you seem to think that your relationship being over is a bad thing.

You have inadvertently described a man who has no respect for your son, and no respect for you, have you both tip toeing around, turned you into a pathetic woman unable to speak up for her child, a man who is constantly picking on your child.

Let me ask you this. Your son is 15. When he leaves education and goes off to Uni, or work, do you think he will breathe a sigh of relief that he is free, or sad to be away from his mum? What relationship do you see yourself having with your son in future when you give him a life like you are giving him through his childhood and teenage years?

This does not sound fair to your son at all. Your partner has a go at your DS, unfairly, and you hug & comfort your partner?

What about your son in all this? I feel you have to decide who comes first in your life, your son or yor partner

He is 15 and doesnt demand any. He is a really good boy. It is not about money, dp knows he needs a new pair anyway and said it weeks ago himself. I have been with him for 11yrs. We had a simular problem at a parent evening the other day. Every teacher mentioned revising. Dp started to talk that ds must do more as every teacher has said so. It still sounded like he was having a go somehow in front of passing children and parents. Ds was a little cheesed as he felt he had had good things said about him and tried to say that was not directed at him like he had not done enough but due to gcse time approaching. I had also butted in to say it was not personal to him and this went down like a lead baloon. Silence fell and was an awful atmosphere for most of the evening. Ds had a fantastic evening with possible A*'s in some.

Also one teacher joked about ds always asking if the class can leave 1 min early for dinner. Like it was funny. Dp instantly asked ds in front of the teacher, 'Why you have packed lunch' Like he was making the teacher hear that he had no reason/ no need to que for dinner or anything. My heart sank. But she piped up, well its a minute earlier to eat it, laughing. But I felt it was like he was betraying him somehow. Is that just me?

Sorry my posts were delayed. This is why I have posted to have your opinions. I will digest everything said.

Op you need to stand up to your bullying dp and defend your son, your dp's problem with his short temper and shouting should not be your Ds problem to sort out! Your dp sounds like he is overbearing and critical this will affect your Ds self esteem and eventually your relationship with him! Sorry to be blunt but that's my advice.

Its very hard when you are in a bad rel. to see a way out sometimes.

but your DS needs to come first I think at least you need to have a serious word.

I think the teacher may well have far more sympathy for your son after that incident.

Sorry but I can't imagine staying with a P who behaved how yours is to one of my children.

I am totally surprised your son is still a "good boy" with this kind of treatment, please do something before it is finally too late.

I think along the years you start to become confused as to what is right or wrong/whether I am right or wrong . mummytime, you obviously feel that was bad at parent evening what he did and I did feel it was. Like a betrayal to ds. Dp has been a good father in other ways, I dont want to paste it all negative. I know I have to do something and I said that this morning that very same thing that it can't go on, but I am made to feel I am wrong in the way I see it all. Sometimes the things dp asks ds to do he does not do and this makes dp moan constantly. I would ignore the petty things but dp doesnt.

Just confused about it all really. Am I making it sound worse than it is. Or am I just bewildered after being in this relationship for so long? Anyone else in a simular situation that can give me any advice please. Would counselling help? Dp wont see he is wrong. He just says he cannot speak or have any opinion?

Have you tried asking DP to tone it down? What was his reaction?

You need to sort this out now.

I can vouch as someone who dad constantly looked at the one bad comment to put me down. To the point that I have very low confidence and feel at 42 I have wasted my life because I haven't achieved as much as I could have.

wheredidiputit yeh I second that, my father was and still is a critical overbearing man who picked on us, still does if he can, and I had a mother who is lovely but gentle and couldn't stand up to him so she would slop off into another room when he started in the hope of not getting involved, this thread has touched a raw nerve with me I don't mind admitting it, that's why op I feel you must take control of the situation and try to make changes for the sake of your Ds and dd because when she is old enough he may well start on her !

"He always says no one listens to him and he has no opinion in anything."

And yet it sounds as though he (your dp) always gets to have his say and no-one else is allowed to do anything but listen to him.

Ear wax problems really don't make a person speak the way your dp does. The only thing it would affect is the volume of his voice, not the content of what he is saying. Is he doing anything to get his hearing sorted out?

Your poor ds deserves so much better than this. :(

I have in the past tried to get him to stop moaning so much at ds but I don't think it worked much. He then would use the comment, I have been good trying not to moan but......He does not see it is him at all esp in rows like this morning . It is always someone elses fault. I can guarantee he feels I am a terrible partner for taking sides with ds who has been cheeky to him? wheredidiputit, thank you for your comments and sorry to hear that you have been affected. I genually dont know how to deal with this situation. Dp moans at silly stupid things constantly and is quite a perfectionist. It is trivial but ongoing. To ds it will be : dont sit like that, dont eat like that, dont gulp your drink like that, why is your electrics still on, why is your phone not on the side, why is the fan not turned off and it goes on and on, more than dp actually speaking to ds. I know ds is not sitting right, eating right or drinking his drink properly but to go on daily at him is even worse. And it is a daily ritual at the dinner table............it gets me down and it must get ds down too. I would rather let it go and ignore it. I know we all need to say it sometimes but daily? And I know ds should be doing these things but I suppose he switches off or has got past caring?

You're not making it sound worse than it is OP, in fact I'm guessing this is the tip of the iceberg.

Your DP is a bully. You walk on eggshells trying to keep him happy. You don't feel that you can stick up for your son without repercussions. THIS IS WRONG. HE is in wrong and you need to realise that.

Do you feel respected? Listened to?
Does your DS?

What does he do if you stand up for yourself or DS?

Yes, I do feel I walk on egg shells. I have told him that at times. I dont feel I can ever stick up for my son not without a problem. Myself, no I do not feel he listens to me much but I know he does love me and the dc's. That is the difficult thing, he is not all bad, else I would not still be with him. No I can tell you now that my ds would not feel respected or listened too if I asked him.

What does he do if I stand up for ds? Well today it was, cause a scene, stamp his feet and shout about ending our relationship. He does not usually use our relationship but we dont seem very secure at the moment. He may be worse for some reason - stress? I dont know?

Could you phone someone like Women's aid? And get some advice.

The scene you described at parents evening, I could imagine being that teacher. I would quite possibly go back and discuss (not gossip) with colleagues about what happened. I would probably be also cross that a "little joke" had got your son in trouble.

You say your husband loves your DC, well is doesn't sound as though he likes your DS. Being a teenager is hard enough without being picked up on every tiny thing, and not having any of your successes celebrated. Your son sounds like a real credit to you.

I will see mummytime if I can get dp to listen tonight. If not I will have to do something wont I and get help/advice from somewhere. I am not cross at the teacher, she was lovely. Made things like she had a nice relationship with ds. I just felt it was like a dig from dp after the revision stress/awkwardness to put ds on the spot. He may just be tactless but I felt my heart sink anyway.

Your DP has not listened to you before now and has you well under his thumb/control. Keeping the peace constantly as you have has only weakened your own position with inevitable result.

"Walking on eggshells" to me is code for "living in fear".

Abusers are not horrid all the time; if they were no woman would want to be with them. Your man does nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle of nice/nasty.

Your man has never accepted your son (is probably too hung up on this individual actually being another man's child) and is thus a crap stepfather to him.

As it stands you yourself run a very real risk of your 15 year old despising you completely when older with the risk too of your relationship completely breaking down. Your son as an adult could well wonder why you put your man before him. How would you respond to him at that time?.

if it's any consolation my exh (my boys bio dad) can be like this and there is also the inevitable clash of males and jostling for pole position in any family imho. And I think the older male always tries to assert his authority in this situation.

But this is the reason why I would be very wary of moving a partner in with the age of my dcs.

In the op situation though she has been with partner for 11 years so it's very difficult.

Bottom line is though the teenager's needs and self esteem come first.

I agree that when you have been in situation it becomes confusing and you find it hard to distinguish what's right. That's how I felt with my exh who I consider to be abusive. The line was crossed for me when I had to step in to defend my then 9 year old son who was being manhandled by his father.