Anyone want to leave a dh who is a good dad and still loves them?

[TryingToKeepitTogether]

I am trying to keep my marriage together, and trying to understand if there is any hope.

For a couple of years now my dw has taken little joy in anything and become very negative about everything, especially but not only me. We are in our mid 40s, one dd though we wanted more. Dws mum got very Ill about the same time it started, which has made her busy and guilty as well as sad. I have been doing my best, increasing my share of looking after dd, which I have always enjoyed and done a lot of, housework and cooking, which we have always shared, and helping whenever allowed with mum in law. This has taken a toll on my work, but I have not really minded. Dw has also had trouble with her back and knees, with sleeping, and other general health, and had a spell of being very busy with work and other commitments on top of her mum. In the course of all this we slowly stopped doing the things together that we used to enjoy, two of us and even whole family together. It seemed to me there was never time, but dw says the fact that i didnt make arrangements shows that i didnt care about her. Now she says she has given up trying to live with me and wants a divorce. She says I lack empathy, don't understand her, and have made her into a person that she doesn't like, take her for granted, dont pull my weight around the house, do any number of small annoying things. We argued like this a few times, and each time I have started by listening and trying to ask how I can make things better, but end up talking back because I can't seem to just sit there and soak up the criticism and negativity. Then we have a few months where things seem better, only to go around again. She now says that she has done all she can and doesn't want to try any more. But I don't think we have really tried at all, not together. She says she will not talk to anyone outside, her friends or a councillor, about it because her mind is made up.

Does anyone feel the same about their marriage?

Can you just fall out of love with a dh, even though she agrees that I'm a good dad and still love her. Would it be better for dd, and the two of us, for me to give up too and try to take the amicable separation that's being offered? Or could it be that her mind will change and I need to keep trying?

Hi trying. I posted here in April under a different name. I'm glad to hear that things are moving on. Even though it is through separation. There's happiness out there for you.

Can you clarify what you meant by I feel I will have to take care not to move into a new relationship too fast, lest I end up in the same place. Does that mean she was right all along? Do you mean your so called "lack of empathy"?

I think everyone needs to take care not to move into new relationships 'too fast'. It's a shame if you're coming out of your marriage feeling like you're to blame and have some kind of problem to avoid repeating. That's not the case IMO.

I just meant that when I am not thinking about my daughter,I find it quite easy, even unavoidable, to look forward to a new relationship, with someone who will renew all the things I was missing, fill all the gaps in our old relationship etc. I have already fund myself thinking about how to go about it, wondering about single women friends I have and whether there might be more there, and appreciating the sense of freedom. So I suspect that I might not be very good at being single, and want to make sure I don't just bumble into the first opportunity that comes along, even if it's not going to work. Still, with this attitude I can hope to avoid it happening.

Hello Trying sorry about your situation. And yes, I have walked out of a marriage, even though I still loved him deep down, he was and is a great person and wonderful father to our only child.
There was never any sort of violence, no abuse, no lying or cheating, and no other person. Simply was very unhappy and couldn't see myself with him longer for the rest of our lives.
Took me very long to go ahead with it, lots of talking and trying and working on changes, it didn't help.
Many years divorced now, and both moved on, he is thankfully happily re-married and I am not by choice.

He always liked to be in a serious long-term monogamous relationship and ideally be married, but I am not necessarily in need of a marriage. So, I feel with you and would like to add that what you've said here, might not be the best approach...
.. to look forward to a new relationship, with someone who will renew all the things I was missing, fill all the gaps in our old relationship etc. ...

Update. I moved out in September, dd stays with me but not enough. Mediation starts tomorrow, so I will try and fix that. Dd has been extraordinarily good about it, though I sense that it is a little tough on her especially when DW and I are in the same room, as it reminds her of how things were. I'm reconciled to the end of my marriage. I don't think I really understood how little DW actually liked my personality, though she seemed to at the time. I think perhaps Things that I thought couldn't really bother her, like not Wanting to buy a new car that we could easily afford because the old one, though a bit tatty, runs just fine and I'm quite fond of it, or leaving the washing up brush in the sink ( where else?! ) , actuall really did bother her. If that's true, she's right that I didn't understand or respect her. I have a date coming up with a very exciting and lovely woman, and I think I am ready to move on, cautiously, with the rest of my life.

"Can you just fall out of love with a dh, even though she agrees that I'm a good dad and still love her"

In short, yes. The trouble with love is that it isn't a rational thing, it's highly personal and intangible. If that wasn't the case, someone could draw up a list of attributes, find someone that ticked all the boxes and then 'love' would instantly happen. If someone loved us wholeheartedly, we'd always reciprocate in kind. We all know that isn't how it works.

What you are describing as things that bothered her are all incredibly trivial and irrational. However, set against the backdrop of her not loving/liking you any more, they make perfect sense and that's about as close as you'll ever get to understanding. When my exH left, one of the myriad reasons he had for breaking up with me was 'the way you brush your hair' . He might as well have said 'the way you breathe'. When it's over, it's over.

Have fun on your date. :)