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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to hold it together

15 replies

Amitolamummy · 23/04/2012 22:49

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and have 2 children with him. I tried to leave many times but he always threatened to take them off me and I was told by 2 (so-called) professionals, he would get custody because he has a large family and I don't.
His family are actually abusive too but like him, put on a great front to people so everyone thinks they are lovely. They controlled everything and my ex actively encouraged it.
He managed to convince everyone it was me at fault, claimed i had mental health problems, phoned the police to say i was suicidal when i had just gone out. He has done so many things but i've recently discovered he was slagging me off to everyone all this time. Its no wonder they think its all my fault. He used to tell me he was asking hisfamily why they didn't like me and trying to make it better, but instead he was making things up about me. I don't even know if they did like me or not.
I barely know who i am anymore.
In order to really get away from him i'm having to take help from my mother and sister. My mother still lives with my father who sexually abused me as a child. She Both my mother and sister are supporting him, have always hated me and were well aware of the abuse but did nothing. They have done so many awful things.
I feel trapped. I need to get out of this house i shared with my ex. I need to move on and get stronger again but taking help from my mother when i just want to scream at her is so hard.
I have so much to do, sort, organise. So many phone calls to make,but my youngest is 8 months and not a good sleeper. Its hard enough getting 3 meals, dogs walked etc done everyday without everything else.
I'm really falling apart under all of this but have nobody to turn to.
My 4 yr old needs me to be strong but i can't be all the time. I cried in front of him again earlier. We talked about feelings and things and he seemed ok but i don't want to be like that.
There is no purposeto thisexcept moaning really. Its just all too much :(

OP posts:
oikopolis · 23/04/2012 22:57

oh OP Sad

have you contacted Women's Aid? they can be your support system! it doesn't need to be like this. x

PooPooInMyToes · 23/04/2012 22:58

Im so sorry that your family have treated you like they have. That's the ultimate betrayal. Sad Im so sad for you. Its no wonder you ended up in an abusive relationship.

Im sure plenty of people will be along soon to give you good advice.

WhereMyMilk · 23/04/2012 22:58

Didn't want to read and run.

What a terrible situation. Have you tried Women's Aid?

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 23:06

What form of 'help' is your mother giving you - i.e. money, childcare, etc - or is she merely verbally encouraging you to leave this abusive, controlling, twunt?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 23:12

You have every reason to feel as you do.

Regarding where you live: Why are you in the house you shared with your ex? Can you move out? Sell it if it is yours? Go through legal channels to force its sale if it is jointly owned by you and ex?

Regarding your mother: what could you do in order not to have to receive any help from her? Because you should really not be beholden to her - not the woman who stood by while you were sexually abused by her partner, with whom she remains to this day. You can and must, I think for your own wellbeing, do without her "help".

Amitolamummy · 23/04/2012 23:24

She is offering to stand as guarantor so I can private rent. The house belongs to his parents, they will let me stay here for a while but I need to get out asap. I realistically can't get out without my mothers help because i'll need to claim benefits and landlords won't take me without a guarantor. The council housing is a complete joke and I can't wait around for that.
She doesn't really want to help me, my sister has told her to. She has already said 'i'm prepared to do this for you now, you probably won't need my support for long'. That's nice isn't it. Not quite a declaration of love to her youngest daughter.
I think she is looking at it as a short term thing, having anything to do with me.
I really can't see any other option. I think its going to be a case of jump from one abusive family back into my own, well the fringes of anyway. My father will never meet my children. Old Mr Innocent there has refused to see me at all without a solicitor present!
Amazingly, my family do actually seem the safer bet! At least I know how bad they are, my ex inlaws are a slighly less known dangers. Their 3 children seem more messed up than me! haha, thats going some!

OP posts:
ManicPanic · 23/04/2012 23:25

So sorry this is happening to you.

I had to go back home at the age of 24 (drug problem and homeless) to a very similar situation. It's hard, really hard. Almost as if by having help from them, you are saying what happened is ok (it wasn't, and you're not).

On a practical side, grit your teeth, take what help you can, and do what you can to make you and your children safe. You don't need your family or your ex in your life.

Mumsnet is a fantastic support for those of us without families Smile

ManicPanic · 23/04/2012 23:25

Btw I think you are fab and brave and good on you XXXXX

Amitolamummy · 23/04/2012 23:27

Thank you :) and thanks for all the support here

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 23:35

Are you definitely sure that you are happier accepting the help of an uncaring mother married to the man who sexually abused you, rather than wait for council housing, which might be shit as well as long in coming, and means you stay beholden to ex's family, but where you could stand on your own two feet?

Neither option is better or worse per se: it's your choice, and sadly does seem like a horrible frying pan-fire situation.

Could you take your mother's help temporarily in order to get you out of ex's family's house, while remaining on the council housing waiting list, and move there at the earliest opportunity?

Amitolamummy · 23/04/2012 23:47

That might be an option, i'm planning to speak to the council in the morning. I am happier - strangely - I know his family feel nothing for me or my children, but my own mother knows she should and is prepared to do this for me. Her words, not mine.
The reality is I want to beat her and jump up and down on her head whilst screaming fucking bitch over and over :o I won't though, because that would be wrong and I have been blessed with those things called feelings, empathy and some form of humaness.
She is a victim of abusive men too, she just refused to see it and turned into an emotionless monster instead.
I think number 1 priority is get away from him. Oh I don't know, i'm so confused. Excuse my swearing

OP posts:
aokay · 23/04/2012 23:49

I am so sorry for you and you're not alone - I'm in a hole myself and have no gfamily support at all whereas my dh (who is divorcing me) has lots. My q is do you own this house or rent? - is there any way you can get your dp to leave? - can you get some advice froma solicitor (they give you 3o mins free).
Horrible parents are'nt quite as bad as horrible partners so if you need your Mum and she will help (however little), Id take it and try to lean on firends (make new ones in the area you're going to iof you dont know anyone thre - mum & baby groups =- that sort of thing).
Hope things are getting better - very brave of you to post - hugs to you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 23:56

aokay: that may well be your experience. But IME horrible parents are worse than horrible partner, since the breach of trust seems far worse to me: abusive ex mistreated an adult. abusive parents mistreated a child in their care; a child utterly dependent on them.

Ultimately, OP, you need to get away from ALL of them. The thing you have to work it is how quickly and in what order. It'll work out eventually - just hang on.

Amitolamummy · 24/04/2012 00:04

Thank you. I have been offered a tenancy agreement to stay here but SS are involved due to ex's domestic violence. If I stay I look like i'm lying about it. I have an injunction against him so actually feel quite safe here at the moment, but part of that is just laziness at having to tackle a big move with 2 small children. I haven't moved house for 4 years, i've forgotten how.
I agree, the ultimate betrayal is my mother but I know what to expect from her, i think. She is getting old now, my ex still has many years and nothing better to do than screw up my life.
Yes, i think its going to have to be getting away from his family, then my mother. I will be keeping my eyes open very wide from now on

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/04/2012 11:53

Good luck, amitola

You sound switched on, I think you will do this x

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